NAILED IT

SNL’s Weekend Update Celebrates American ‘Hero’ Stormy Daniels

Porn star Stormy Daniels storms ‘Saturday Night Live.’

The government is shut down, but “Weekend Update” is open for business.

This week, SNL’s Colin Jost and Michael Che wasted no time blaming the shutdown on President Donald Trump and the Republicans.

“Congratulations to Donald Trump, who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year!” Jost began.

“Even production on House of Cards didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator,” Jost added. “If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also, in that fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president, and got a female president instead. So just something to think about.”

But the pair’s most brutal jokes concerned the story that has somehow flown under the radar this week: Trump’s alleged affair with a porn star.

“This week, I was finally able to google Stormy Daniels on my work computer,” Jost joked. “In an interview from 2011, porn star Stormy Daniels said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump, he told her she was beautiful and smart, just like his daughter, which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels.”

“The worst part was that it was such a lame story. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a porn star, clutch my pearls!” Che added. “I thought we would at least get some freaky details out of it, I mean Donald Trump grabs women by the vagina as his opener, so his sex must be insane, right? But the craziest thing that we got was that he was spanked by a magazine and is afraid of sharks. Well of course he’s afraid of sharks, the man has the body of a seal!”

Later, Cecily Strong appeared as Stormy Daniels to tell her side of the story. As Jost pointed out, she has become an “unlikely ally” for Trump critics.

“I know, it’s crazy, right?” she said. “I’m all over Huffington Post and Daily Beast. I’m like a liberal hero, even though I’m a Republican porn star who loves Sarah Palin. Things are so bad right now, there are just so many women just desperately trying to figure out how to be empowered by me. And the best they can say is that I’m a female director.”

“I get that I’m not what these people envisioned their hero would look like, but guess what, America?” Daniels asked. “I’m the hero you deserve right now.”