Stephen Colbert Is Dying to Know Who Sean Hannity ‘Had Sex With’

Stephen Colbert took his time getting to the news that Sean Hannity was exposed in a courtroom today to be the third “mystery client” of President Donald Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen.

“We already knew that Cohen represented Donald Trump and paid hush money to cover up his affairs,” the Late Show host said in his monologue Monday night. “And last week it was revealed that his second client was Deputy RNC Finance Chair and Donald Trump-flattened-out-by-a-rolling-pin Elliott Broidy.”

Colbert could hardly conceal his smile when he led up to telling his viewers about Cohen’s “secret” third client. “It was—nope! You know, CNN, you’ve earned this,” he said, letting anchor Brooke Baldwin do the honors.

When the camera cut back to Colbert after Hannity’s name was revealed, he was lounging in a leather chair, moaning as he gently rubbed his own nipple and sipped from a glass of red wine.

“Jon Stewart, after the show I’m going to come over and we’re just going to spoon,” Colbert said. “This is crazy! Cohen only has two other clients and all he does for them is pay off mistresses, which raises the obvious question: Who did Sean Hannity have sex with?”

The Late Show’s Twitter feed also released a “sneak peek” of Hannity’s Fox News show, in which they re-edited the host delivering this piece of “breaking news”: “President Trump’s longtime attorney Michael Cohen is my attorney and I defended him right here on this program. Can anybody say conflict of interest?”

Colbert’s version of Hannity went on to report that he “should be fired, like yesterday.”