STRIKE OUTHumiliating Retreat After Trump Goon Considers MLB Park PlotThe MLB has taken a swing and a miss. Harry Thompson
OUT OF LEFT FIELDTrump Goons Scout ‘Ludicrous’ Site for MLB BallparkMLB has pitched the Trump administration on building a ballpark in Grand Teton National Park.Annabella Rosciglione
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPFat Bear Week Unleashes Its Chonkiest Contest YetSixteen bears have spent the summer packing on pounds. Now it’s time for the public to decide which one is the chunkiest.Lauren Hartley
DEADLY DAY OUTTourist Dies on Popular National Park Trail The 79-year-old is the second person to die while visiting Sequoia National Park in a month. Ewan Palmer
CLOAK AND DAGGERTrump Goons Launch Sneaky Operation to Scrub History ExhibitThe sneaky op follows a federal appeals court’s ruling earlier this month.Vic Verbalaitis
MUDDYING THE WATERSWhite House Rages Over Trump’s Brown Fountain FiascoThe water in the recently renovated fountain looked more like wastewater.Sarah-Jane Collins
‘THE NATION COMES FIRST’Trump, 80, Gets Roasted by a Hologram in Pep Talk Gone WrongThe president’s visit with a long-dead predecessor was an odd choice given his progressive credentials.William Vaillancourt
😬😬😬😬Trump’s White House Fantasy Contains Awkward Confederate NodIt contains a small but controversial design element.Leigh Kimmins
ON REFLECTION...Trump Goons Quietly Rewrite Rules After Green Slime DebacleThe National Park Service has slipped in a new clause demanding future contractors keep the algae-choked pool looking nice.Tom Latchem
RANGER DANGERPark Rangers Sound Alarm Over Secretive New Trump PolicyAn internal memo has informed staff to remain silent.Cameron Adams
SPLASH AND GRABTrump Mall Cops Declare Slime Splasher Nation’s Most WantedThe president’s pool enforcers can’t do this one alone, apparently.Vic Verbalaitis