It’s 2017, and celebrities are reckoning with their relative insignificance in the face of omnipresent news updates and escalating terror. Stars—they’re just like us!
This isn’t to say that celebrities haven’t been up to their old tricks—misbehaving, fighting, fucking, and going all out on Twitter. It’s just hard to pay attention to these antics while also counting down the four horsemen of the apocalypse and calling up your senators on speed dial. Between the constant headache of a never-ending news cycle and the life’s work of maintaining a running list of male abusers, it can be hard to keep track of just how many Kardashians are currently knocked up. It’s difficult enough to remember the dumb opinions that Matt Damon shared about sexual harassment last week, let alone Selena Gomez's new kidney
When we talk about celebrities these days we are, more often than not, talking about rampant sexual misconduct in the entertainment industry. We’re in an era of speaking out against bad men, and thank god for that. But what about the run-of-the-mill idiots? The A-listers who have done stupid things and the C-listers working overtime to get our attention? What about the relationships, the drama, the ill-managed high end music festivals that descend into Lord of the Flies-style chaos? Sure, North Korea could nuke us all tomorrow—but if you’re too obsessed with impending nuclear annihilation to learn everything there is to know about future princess Meghan Markle, then hasn’t Kim Jong Un already won? To that end, we’ve assembled a list of the most important unimportant happenings in Hollywood—the best celebrity gossip of 2017.
The (Still Unconfirmed) Kardashian Babies
Looking back on the year that was, a healthy portion of our celebrity scandals came courtesy of the Kardashians. Either the famous family really is PR inept, media training aside, or Kris Jenner takes turns offering up her spawn for less-than-complimentary coverage to maintain her chokehold on the entertainment industry news cycle. The family’s foremost sacrificial lamb this year was Kendall Jenner, a lightning rod-shaped lightning rod who dominated the national conversation with her offensive Pepsi commercial and Fyre Festival hype posts. Jenner may not have eliminated police brutality with her carbonated soft drink campaign, but she did succeed in bringing together all of Twitter, temporarily united in their mockery of Jenner’s ad for world peace and Pepsi. In other less than flattering Kardashian news, Kendall and Kylie offended the ghosts of Biggie and Tupac, and Khloé Kardashian was accused of ripping off a black fashion designer for her Good American collection. Kim Kardashian arguably wore blackface, Rob Kardashian posted Blac Chyna revenge porn, and Caitlyn Jenner remains too problematic to even go into at this point.
Apparently, a savvy member of the Kardashian kamp picked up on the fact that rampant cultural appropriation was laying waste to the reality TV family’s reputation. Cue the babies. On top of Kim’s gestating kid-by-surrogate, a shocking report surfaced in October claiming that the 20-year-old Kylie Jenner was also expecting. News of Khloé Kardashian’s alleged pregnancy quickly followed. While the Kardashians have oddly failed to confirm either of these reports, a resurfaced anonymous item seems to have predicted this flood of fertility. In 2014, the site Blind Gossip posted the following: "In the never-ending quest for ratings and attention, this TV maven is trying to get the cast on this show excited about a new storyline: Three of the women on the show… all pregnant… at the same time! No, it does not matter what the fathers of those potential babies think. What matters is the attention these three women would get! Just think of the photo ops! The daily gossip updates! The reality show ratings! The endorsements! One has agreed, but they still need two more to join her. It doesn’t matter which two. If they can reproduce, they are eligible to be part of this storyline." So it shall be written, so it shall be done.
Scott Disick, Serial Dater
If there’s one thing Scott Disick has (in addition to a substance abuse problem and commitment issues), it’s a healthy libido. Not since Justin Bieber’s summer of blondes has one man been spotted with so many social media influencers. Back in May, Kourtney Kardashian’s ex-boyfriend/co-parent managed to fill his Cannes visit with an alarming number of lady friends: Bella Thorne, Chloe Bartoli, Ella Ross, a “mystery woman” and Sofia Richie. The 18-year-old Richie was quick to shut down the Disick rumors, tweeting, “Just so everyone can get their panties out of their asses, Scott and I are just homies #relax.” Unfortunately for the entire internet and our collective panties, Disick and Richie ultimately proved to be much more than homies, and have been living out their alarming romance in various paparazzi photoshoots ever since. Lionel Richie is “scared to death”, thanks for asking.
Selena Gomez And Justin Bieber (And The Weeknd And Bella Hadid And Selena Gomez’s Kidney)
Much like the Kardashians, on-again off-again A-list couple Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber rule over their own distinct kingdom of petty celebrity gossip. To really talk about the year in Jelena, we’d need to branch off a bit—into Gomez’s ex, The Weeknd, and the mysterious circumstances behind their split, and into his ex, Bella Hadid, the internet’s second favorite Hadid and first favorite sneaker narc. In late October, Gomez and the Weeknd ended their surprisingly long lasting relationship, paving the way for former child stars Gomez and Bieber to play footsie at church and make eyes over mammoth blue drinks. Bieber, who spent much of 2017 clearing his professional schedule for Jesus, appears to have nothing but time for his rekindled lady love—hence the never-ending stream of cute couple pictures and elaborate date ideas.
Meanwhile, sources say that it was Gomez’s recent health scare that urged the exes to reconnect. This fall, the pop singer revealed that she had spent the summer battling with lupus, as the autoimmune disease attacked her kidneys. Her friend, actress Francia Raísa, gamely offered up her own organ for a transplant. Armed with a new kidney, Gomez found the strength to start hanging out with Justin Bieber again—so we all thank you, Francia Raísa, for your sacrifice. After weeks of rumors, Jelena were photographed making out at a hockey game on November 15.
Oh Taylor. What’s left to say about the alt right’s favorite pop princess? TayTay, unlike the rest of us, had the best 2017 ever—she released a top-selling album, landed a hot new boyfriend, and, most importantly, left her apartment building in a giant suitcase (allegedly!!!!!!!). Swift has spent the year recovering from perceived attacks on her reputation, only to be called petty, manipulative, and Trumpian. She’s been accused of copying Beyoncé (a bad look) and mocking Kim Kardashian’s robbery (an even worse one). Still, against all odds, Swift managed to land a spot on Time’s Person of the Year cover. While we don’t exactly agree with Swift’s status as a “Silence Breaker,” we’ve got to applaud her for standing up to a groper—and for pulling off quite the PR coup.
In a year that quickly went from bad worse, the Fyre Festival was a rare moment of unity, a reminder of our shared love of watching rich kids totally fuck themselves over. The image of a bunch of Blink-182 fans paying for a luxury musical festival only to find themselves huddling together over a Costco hamburger bun and slice of American cheese will never not be funny. Adding to the hilarity the VIP shit show, with price tags ranging from $4,000 to $250,000, was planned by none other than Ja Rule (with an assist from “entrepreneur” Billy McFarland). While the co-creators invested heavily in pre-festival marketing, flying famous models to the Bahamas to photograph them in bikinis, actual concerns like “housing concertgoers and feeding them” fell by the wayside.
O.J. Simpson Released From Jail
The La La Land Oscars Gaffe
That happened…this year!
The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show That Almost Wasn’t
Every year, toned twenty-somethings from around the world congregate in some sort of massive arena, take off their clothes, pop on diamond encrusted push-up bras and massive angel wings and struggle to stand upright. It’s called the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show, and it’s gross, objectifying, terrible and sort of amazing, all at once. America, for all of its failings, has always been a safe space for Gigi Hadid to walk down a runway half naked. The same cannot be said for the People’s Republic of China, which, ahead of this year’s Shanghai show, basically sabotaged the whole thing. Page Six reported total chaos on the scene: “We’re told fashion bloggers booked to cover the glitzy event are canceling their trips because the Chinese government won’t give them visas; TV producers are grappling with bureaucrats over permission to shoot outside the Mercedes-Benz Arena, where it’s being held (‘If you’re going to China, you want to show that you are in China!’ fumed an insider); and Victoria’s Secret staffers in China can’t send out press releases because they have to be approved by government officials.”
Adding insult to bureaucratic nightmare, news broke that a number of models aka “angels” had been barred from entering the country. Adriana Lima was reportedly denied a visa, along with four Ukrainian and Russian models. Gigi Hadid took to Twitter to announce that she would also have to hang up her wings this year, writing, “I’m so bummed I won’t be able to make it to China this year. Love my VS family, and will be with all my girls in spirit!! Can't wait to tune in with everyone to see the beautiful show I know it will be, and already can't wait for next year!” Rumors held that the elder Hadid had been banned from China because of a controversial social media clip of the model squinting while holding up a Buddha cookie. Last but certainly not least, performer Katy Perry was denied a visa on account of perceived anti-Chinese politics. No wonder Taylor Swift “couldn’t have asked for a better year.”
Apparently constitutional monarchy isn’t dead, because we are living for former Suits star and future royal Meghan Markle. This November, England’s foremost ginger announced his engagement to Markle, a mixed-race, divorced, American actress and self-described feminist. Markle is set to marry into the super-white royal family on May 19, and everyone’s very excited about it. In an equally historic move, this occasion will likely mark the first time a USA network star has graduated to duchess-dom.