Cannes, the Frenchest of all the film festivals, has long been regarded as a luxurious gathering of glamorous actors, directors, and industry bigwigs. Held at a picturesque beach town on the French Riviera, Cannes offers a vital showcase for talented filmmakers, and a necessary opportunity for dramatic headscarves. This year, the festival featured even more drama than in prior years, with Jessica Chastain passionately advocating on behalf of including more female-directed films in next year’s selection (and Will Smith adding, “a couple black folks won’t hurt there either.”) Perhaps in a misguided attempt to balance the scales of gender equality, the brunt of female representation at Cannes seems to have taken place on Scott Disick’s lap. If reality star Scott Disick seems like an odd addition to the Cannes contingent, that’s because he is. It’s almost as if the Keeping Up with the Kardashians star just happened to be partying on the French Riviera when the film festival rolled around, and is just going about his business in complete and utter ignorance, occasionally wondering why he keeps running into Kristen Stewart. The 34-year-old father of three does not appear to have seen a single film throughout his French stay. Let’s put it this way: Disick won’t be caught dead at a Cannes screening until Sofia Coppola casts Sofia Richie in The Beguiled 2: Even More Beguiling.
These days, we’re used to jam-packed news cycles that make two hours feel like two months. This time warp has now distended past politics and into the strange and beautiful world of celebrity romance, as evidenced by the fact that, in just over a week, Scott Disick has managed to associate himself with as many as six separate women. While Disick has been taking up with and disposing of women at a rate of approximately one aspiring social media model per day—a regular advent calendar of flawless ombres and cut-out bikinis—his ex Kourtney Kardashian has been vacationing merely ten minutes away. Basically, there were more KUWTK cast members at Cannes this year than films helmed by black directors.
Since Kourtney Kardashian is at Cannes with her new boyfriend, Younes Bendjima, Disick is clearly attempting to make the mother of his children jealous by cavorting with a bunch of 20-somethings she technically could have given birth to. Disick’s paparazzi-friendly romance Rumspringa took off last Monday, when the self-proclaimed British royal left for Cannes with actress Bella Thorne in tow. You may recognize the 19-year-old actress from her Freeform series, Famous in Love, or her hit Google search, “Why is Bella Thorne famous?” Thorne and Disick proceeded to spend the next few days cuddling in Scott’s poolside villa. At one point, according to E! News, “Bella laid on top of Scott and ran her hands through his hair.” And while this maneuver won’t technically make a baby, it can produce a boon of breathless tabloid bulletins.
While Bella and Scott were certainly a TMZ treat, they were also a deeply ill-matched pair. Not since Romeo and Juliet have two smitten lovers been so stupid. First of all, Disick was clearly only in the relationship for the free press; according to a source, “Scott bringing Bella is 100 percent to piss Kourtney off. It's a very ‘Let’s see how it makes you feel’ kind of thing…It's immature, but that's Scott.” Luckily, when you’re wooing a Snapchat-famous teenager, your emotional immaturity can often go undetected. What’s harder to conceal is your debilitating dependency on drugs and alcohol. After Disick was spotted with a new paramour on Wednesday, news leaked that Thorne had been put off by the druggie dad’s hard partying ways. By Friday, the newly stateside starlet tweeted, “I’m not talking to Scott or anyone else.” When specifically asked by a fan what she was doing with Disick, Thorne responded, “Legit nothing trolololo.” But is Thorne actually trolololo-ing? According to TMZ, which has deemed Thorne “a 19-year-old girl utterly humiliated in a foreign land,” the actress “says Scott pursued her in L.A. and led her to believe he seriously wanted to date her. Now she believes he used her.” Is it just me, or does this sound like a better Freeform show than Bella Thorne’s actual Freeform show?
Since unceremoniously ditching Thorne, Disick has cycled through romantic partners faster than you can say “this man is clearly transferring his addictive behavior to love and sex, is desperate for companionship and attention, and needs help.” On Thursday, he was snapped with his arm around Chloe Bartoli, his 26-year-old stylist ex. Bartoli, who was assumed to be the reason why Disick and Kourtney split back in 2015, was in Cannes styling celebrities like Sofia Richie (more on her later).
On Friday, Disick was back to his old tricks: specifically, cuddling poolside. Disick celebrated his 34th birthday like any other well-adjusted adult would—he invited over a model, Ella Ross, and a “U.K. blogger,” Maggie Petrova. “Ella was sitting on Scott's lap out on the terrace,” a source told E! News. “There was a big group of friends sitting around the table drinking rosé and toasting Scott, but he really only had eyes for Ella. She never got up from his lap and seemed very happy to have her there.” The 21-year-old model has been linked to Disick in the past. When not out on group dates with Scott Disick and his paparazzi friends, Ross is often at her part-time job, which is being photographed walking around L.A. without a bra on. And on Saturday, Disick kissed a “mystery woman” by his pool.
If Disick’s patterns seem ickily routinized, that’s because they are. In fact, his one seduction move— “invite an aspiring famous person to my villa”—is about as predictable as a late-season episode of Keeping up With the Kardashians. Of course, given Disick’s relatively tight budget, his hijinks are constrained to two sets: his pool and whatever yacht party he manages to score an invite to. On Sunday, Disick took his show on the boat when he was photographed manhandling 18-year-old Sofia Richie. Richie was quick to address romance rumors, tweeting the next day, “Just so everyone can get their panties out of their asses, Scott and I are just homies #relax.”
Speaking of panties in or around asses, Disick was also spotted laying hands on model Chantel Jeffries’ bikini-clad butt during the very same yacht party. It seems pertinent that Richie and Jeffries, 23, have both dated Justin Bieber—and tabloids have routinely claimed that JB is Kourtney Kardashian’s boy toy on the DL. In his own mind, Disick might be getting his revenge on both the pint-sized pop singer and his long-term ex. But to hear the Kardashians tell it, Disick’s sex spree is just embarrassing.
Kourtney Kardashian, a woman who has ingested her own placenta, draws the line at taking any more of Scott Disick’s shit. As a source told E! News, “She's focused on her life and doesn't care what Scott does to try and get her attention. She thought it was pathetic for Scott to try and one up her in Cannes. It didn't work at all.” Meanwhile, the rest of the Kardashian klan isn’t down to take the high road. According to a TMZ post, “Scott Disick is dead to the Kardashians.” The dramatic bulletin continues, “The Kardashians, especially Kourtney, are done with him. No more family dinners, vacations, and as we reported, Kourtney will not let Scott see their 3 kids until he proves he's sober.” The one exception, according to TMZ, is Kris Jenner, who is reportedly shopping a house-flipping pilot starring her daughter’s estranged baby daddy. The show is called Royally Flipped, and—let’s be honest—we will all watch it. Damned if this irresponsible philanderer and his enabling sort-of momager aren’t destined to make great television.