Blogs and Stories
Hold the Dressing
My night at an all-nude New York dinner party.
"If anyone young is reading this, go, right this minute, put on a bikini and don't take it off until you're 34." This is Nora Ephron, reminding us that now—right now—is the peak naked moment of our lives, the highest point on a steep slope of sagging. I remembered this rule when my email dinged with a dinner invitation. The invite contained details about the host (a friend of a friend), the cuisine (Indian) and the attire (none). A nude dinner party.
I was petrified. I am an enthusiast of other naked activities—skinny dipping, showers, sex. But unlike dinner, those all start with ‘s.’ This seems important. Also, they all involve doing something. A lengthy swimming career taught me that many people are attractive naked not because of their bodies’ particulars, but because of the way those bodies move. It’s why the prettiest people are not always the most sought after. Movement is important. When stationary, my lower body looks like a bean bag chair.
Looking at her breasts six inches from the bread, I lost my appetite.
But I wondered. Nudity is something I can deal with. Perhaps I am a closet nudist. Perhaps nudism is my new untapped outlet, ready to occupy the empty space in my life between knitting and Netflix.
I rang the bell, and a geeky, middle-aged man in bifocals stuck his head around the door. Richard. He pointed to a stack of towels next to the door. The only rule of nudist events is that you sit on a towel. These were hand towels; I was expecting beach.
I was on Richard’s email list because I’d heard that a computer programmer arranges all-expense-paid trips to Florida and the Caribbean for nudist rookies. Richard, the programmer, is a sort of ringleader for New York City nudists, making frequent trips to naturist resorts in Tampa, Palm Springs, St. Maarten's and Maine, bringing along groups of four-to-30 people.
Behind him, another naked man with long brown hair sat with a laptop at the kitchen table. Richard informed me that the female guests were running late. I wondered if stripping with two strange men in a strange apartment was unwise. I scanned. They seemed passive, and I decided they probably wouldn't attack me. On the wall, a digital picture frame flashed group shots of smiling naked people. They didn’t look like they’d been attacked recently. I went into the bathroom, stripped, and took out the beach towel I'd brought from home.
I emerged and gingerly sat down on the towel on the couch, legs tightly crossed. Naked dinner is sort of like public speaking: it takes a couple minutes to win over the crowd, except you’re the crowd. Richard told me about his gig as an extra on Fur, reenacting famous Diane Arbus portraits, while I struggled to find a flattering or comfortable upright couch position. Richard didn’t hold back: one leg out to the side, balls in full view. It wasn’t lewd. When you look at Richard, you understand why he's naked: He looks like he should be naked. Dressed, he would be a 2.5; naked, he's a 7.0. He's rotund-yet-firm, tan everywhere and fully comfortable in his nudity. He says he spends most of his home-time in the buff.
The Right Dumps Carrie
Jacob Bernstein is a senior reporter at The Daily Beast. Previously, he was a features writer at WWD and W Magazine. He has also written for New York magazine, Paper, and The Huffington Post.
Sarah Drops the Act
Tina Brown is the founder and editor-in-chief of The Daily Beast. She is the author of the 2007 New York Times best seller The Diana Chronicles. Brown is the former editor of Tatler, Vanity Fair, The New Yorker, and Talk magazines and host of CNBC's Topic A with Tina Brown.
Palin's Gold Mine
Duff McDonald is a contributing editor at New York magazine and a former contributing editor at Condé Nast Portfolio. His book, Last Man Standing, about Jamie Dimon, chairman and CEO of JPMorgan Chase, was published by Simon & Schuster in October.
The Last Erotic Massage
Arianne Cohen is the author of the first ever book about tall folks, The Tall Book: A Celebration of Life From On High (Bloomsbury), which will be released nationwide June 16th.
No One’s Eating Apple Pie Anymore
Arianne Cohen is the author of the first ever book about tall folks, The Tall Book: A Celebration of Life From On High (Bloomsbury), which will be released nationwide June 16th.
It's odd, but looking good in the nude is the ultimate test of style.
Tom Ford has always said he thinks people look better in the nude.
But then, he probably means only the people he would want to hang around with in the first place.
Thank you for NOT including pictures.
The people we might wish to see nude rarely show up for these types of events.
Nude is the new burka.
@TexasVoodoo:
Do you not understand that these events are non-sexual? Saying that there's people you'd wish to see nude indicates you don't seem to understand that it's supposed to be a social gathering, not an orgy.
@TexasVoodoo
From what the author stated, often the people we wish to see nude end up looking more appealing clothed, but satyricaldude is right in pointing out that this was a social gathering.
I would think that for someone totally new to this there would have to be a period of time in which your brain did some rewiring so that the sight of a beautiful naked woman, in my case, would not be instantly directly associated with sexuality.
Great post, Ari.
@satyricaldude
My comment was not intended to be sexual in nature. It's just that for my sensibilities I would prefer the nude people to look more like Michelangelo statues - not sexual per se, just beautiful.
Average looking people do not look good naked.
And asking the sweaty 350 pound guy with the fur mat on his back to pass the rolls would be too much.
I give kudos to the people that can be nudists and enjoy each other's company - flaws and all. I admit I have too many hang-ups to do that with grace and ease.
Thankfully there are clothed gatherings for people like me.
It could be a Ho Hum event viewing wise...you are catching on...nudism is natural and engaging.
Better social interactions I have found.
simply impractical:
rear ends & genitals on the seating?
...paper or plastic?
I hope that when this issue's gone
I'll see you when your clothes are on
And take 'em off in private
Where are we heading...
sajshirazi.blogspot.com
No 36 hour "ready when you are" vicadin allowed.
Concordian you literally made me laugh out loud.
I applaud Ari for taking it off - with strangers none the less!! More power to the nudists!
Snail trail escargot and hair pie surprise "ooh yum yum" I want some!
Once told by Buddy Hackett: If all civilization went nude, picture a wedding, all present are nude. Minister says to bride"Do you take this man etc,etc. She looks around the church, points and replies, "No, I think I'll take that one."
Went to a nude compound in Kissimmee, FL.. I was 35 at the time, so I was in pretty good shape. You had to be nude to enter the pool and you had to use a towel in the restaurants to sit on. It was quite a treat to see the young and not so nice to see the old farts. It was not sexual at all. But it left nothing to the imagination. Try it sometime!
I've had a number of nude meals, and many with strangers. The difference is that we were all at various California nudist resorts.
It takes a little practice....because we are all clothed far too much since childhood. We're all told naked is "bad".
You need to do it a few more times, preferably sitting out in the sun...not inside an apartment. You quickly find you enjoy the people, and thier smiles and their enjoyment of being nude. It becomes addictive...it's freeing, relaxing, and fun.
Take up Richard on his invitation and go to Florida with some other newbies. You may find it harder to get dressed a the end of the trip than you ever imagined.
PauPer, you make a good point. That's why the first rule of nudists is to always sit on your own towel.
@TexasVoodoo:
I hate to say it, darlin', but the quickest way to get over your hangups is to strip down and face your fears.
another half-baked pseudo-sexy article? i honestly can't understand how you people keep your jobs. are these licks supposed to be tantalizing? or are you just dumping your petty frustrations out on nobody in particular?
listen, there is nothing unappetizing about nudity. if you're eating shit, thats one thing. if not, would suggest you move to europe and watch television for once. you would realize that you're probably an american. i for one, would love to admit to being one, especially if people like you would get over bad writing and a lack of intelligent insight into more interesting topics.
if all it takes to cover your beat is cynicism and another ego depreciating life in new york, then consider you and your four closest lunch pals fired. muaha.
I personally eat dinner naked...
Are there ever any HOT people at these nudist gatherings ? Don't most of the women lack a certain perkiness, while the men resemble big-bellied hairy-back trolls hung like acorns ? But, they must have "GREAT PERSONALITIES." When people go out to dinner they don't show up in scraggly wrinkly clothes. Nobody wants to see wrinkled body suits either. Seriously what's the point ? Stick with the "knitting."
I've been a closet nudist for a while due to lack of opportunity, so I did wonder why Arianne sort of squandered hers by worrying so much. Nudism is about being yourself, but most people don't get it because they can't even be themselves when they're clothed. Every human body is beautiful in its own way, and so is every human. I think if we're picking and choosing who we want to see, naked or not, based on looks, then we've missed the point. I think the article offered some interesting insights into nudism, but throwing the adolescent angst in took some of it's power away.
Thank you.
As a first time user, your comment has been submitted for review. It can take anywhere from a few hours to a day or two for your comment to be reviewed, depending on the time of week and the volume of comments we receive.
Please log in to leave comments.