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The Bag Lady Papers
Alexandra Penney—a New York artist and former editor of Self Magazine—lost her life savings in the Madoff debacle. Now she shares her wrenching trauma in a Daily Beast exclusive.
Last Thursday at around 5 p.m., I had just checked on a rising cheese soufflé in my oven when my best friend called.
"Heard Madoff's been arrested,” she said. “I hope it's a rumor. Doesn't he handle most of your money?”
Indeed, he did. More than a decade ago, when I was in my late 40s, I handed over my life savings to Madoff’s firm. It was money I’d been tucking away since I was 16 years old, when I began working summers in Lord & Taylor, earning about $65 a week. Not a penny was inherited. Not one cent was from my divorce. I earned all of it myself, through a long string of jobs that included working as a cashier at Rosedale fish market in New York City in my 20s, and later, writing bestselling sex books.
Before I reached for a bedtime Tylenol PM, I Googled the Hemlock Society. I wanted to know a painless way to die.
When I hung up with my friend, I turned on the TV and began to scour Google for news until the message became nauseatingly clear: Forty years of savings—the money I’d counted on to take me comfortably through the next 30 years—had likely evaporated in Madoff’s scheme.
THAT MOTHERFUCKER!! The soufflé fell.
I called Dennis, my consort of 16 years, and he canceled the dinner guests. I took half of a very strong tranquilizer that I’d been stashing for years in case of a death in the family.
My son, in his late 30s and my only child, called from California. “You can live in the back house, mom,” he told me, referring to the cottage behind his Santa Monica home. I was immensely grateful to the point of tears. But I am not going to be a burden to anyone. I never have been and I never will be.
I’d imagined living out my so-called Golden Years working on my art, living in my East Side apartment, and God forbid having to hire an aide should I ever need one. Now what will happen to me? The only thing I have left is the contents of one small bank account I’d saved for a rainy day. Terrifying thoughts of state-run old people’s homes and those slow-eyed attendants who drug you and strap you to wheelchairs suddenly became horribly vivid in my mind.
I had a great fear of being alone that night, and Dennis came right over. He walked in the door and gave me the biggest bear hug of my life and said, “Everything will be fine.” Dennis is a well-known artist, but the art market is dead, dead, dead, right now.
I began to think about my options: I’d have to sell the cottage in West Palm Beach immediately. I’d need to lay off Yolanda. I could cancel the newspaper subscriptions and read everything online. I only needed a cell phone. I’d have to stop taking taxis. And who could highlight my hair for almost no money? And how hard was it to give yourself a really good pedicure?
Then there is my jewelry. I’ve always collected nice watches and pearls. In the back of my mind I’d think, “Buy good stuff because if you're ever a bag lady, you can sell it.” It might have been a rationalization then—but here I am now: The nightmare may be coming true.
Before I reached for a bedtime Tylenol PM that night, I Googled the Hemlock Society. I wanted to know a painless way to die. Would you believe the Hemlock Society no longer exists?
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The Bag Lady Writes a Book
Alexandra Penney is an artist, best-selling author, former editor-in-chief of Self magazine, and originator, with Evelyn Lauder, of the Pink Ribbon for breast cancer awareness. Her new book, The Bag Lady Papers, comes out in February from Hyperion. She also had a one-person show at Galerie in Berlin in April and her work was shown at Miami’s Art Basel. She lives in New York, has one treasured son in Los Angeles and more amazing friends than could ever be imagined.
The Bag Lady Photos
Alexandra Penney is an artist, best-selling author, former editor-in-chief of Self magazine, and originator, with Evelyn Lauder, of the Pink Ribbon for breast cancer awareness. Her new book, The Bag Lady Papers, comes out in February from Hyperion. She also had a one-person show at Galerie in Berlin in April and her work was shown at Miami’s Art Basel. She lives in New York, has one treasured son in Los Angeles and more amazing friends than could ever be imagined.
Fantasy Shopper
Alexandra Penney is an artist, best-selling author, former editor-in-chief of Self magazine, and originator, with Evelyn Lauder, of the Pink Ribbon for breast cancer awareness. Her new book, The Bag Lady Papers, comes out in February from Hyperion. She also had a one-person show at Galerie in Berlin in April and her work was shown at Miami’s Art Basel. She lives in New York, has one treasured son in Los Angeles and more amazing friends than could ever be imagined.
Hammett
Hey, you're worried about clean white shirts. So, you're going to have to learn how to iron and stand there until your back hurts, like most people. That's life. Get off your ass, and get to work. And stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Inmymind
Interestingly enough, Penney comes from wealth, has an impressive education, plenty of contacts from her past and yet ... she blogs about struggling. There must be something we don't know about her and her relationships.
Penney describes the subway rides and stays at the Hampton Inn as something demeaning. Living in Wealth is something most of us cannot understand, or even survive, believe it or not. Read the work of Ruby K. Payne in understanding the foundations of poverty. Penney is not living in poverty or even middle-class. She must have a safety net somewhere because I have not seen her at the Boca Raton Goodwill or the used furniture store on Federal Highway. Nor did I see her at the launch of KFC's Un-grilled chicken where they gave away a free 1-piece meal all that day! I know because I was there!
While this is a good story and obviously kept us all here reading and writing, she does not put her perfume on at CVS before going to Duffy's for the 2x1 drink specials. Which, by the way, happens for me only when I save money all month!
Penney, you must find humor in all of this. We live the way you have been forced by circumstance to live, every single day! Yet, we embrace all that is given to us. We get in our cars, drive to low paying jobs and never really care how the "other half live ... or in her case ... lived!
Drive up and down A1A in the Palm Beaches ... I have yet to see kids playing ball in their front yards, mothers having conversations on the porch, nonas with colanders on their laps pinching the ends from green beans for dinner, sipping cool Retsina from a small juice glass. This is middle class ... this is poverty ... Penny ... embrace it. It builds families strong. It teaches us to share and be generous to others. We in middle class and poverty are not individuals acting on our own. We are looking into the peripheries of society, the corners of society Wealth does not want to see. Homelessness, elderly, mental illness, teenage pregnancy and other issues that Wealth simply ignores. Writing a big check does not bring us closer.
Visit the poverty in the communities that exist between I-95 and Federal Highway in Delray Beach, Boynton Beach, Lantana and Lake Worth, Penney. Does this remind you of where you are at now? I guess not! Kids who wear shoes too big for their feet dot the landscape, babies born to unwed mothers who just want to own something of their own ... they don't sleep on 400 count sheets ... in fact ... they may not even have sheets.
When you sell your cottage in West Palm, be sure to have the movers drive through the areas west of I-95 on Forest Hill or Okechobee to get a real sense of West Palm Beach. The glare from the Atlantic Ocean may be blocking your view!
niccidanella
It truly is an unfortunate circumstance for you and the others involved in Madoff's evil scheme.
In reading your article, I have to say, I didn't feel as bad for you as I wanted to...
You have to sell the West Palm Beach House and let your maid go?
Wow! With all of the suffering going on in the world - war and violence, political unrest, genocide in the Sudan, child soldiers, not to mention those who are disabled, in wheelchairs, children suffering from cancer, heart ailments...
I've never had much of anything in my life - but what I do have is family - and even my family - who struggles daily with finances working a hard middle class life - we've all adopted a single mother with three boys for the holidays - we've scrounged up 250 dollars from everyone, including friends to work and give this family a holiday.
Don't get me wrong, it's a total blow for you, but really - a subway ride? Most of the world couldn't even afford to buy a Metrocard, for gosh sakes, they can't even afford to buy food to feed themselves and definitely don't have sons with guest quarters... so you... I don't feel bad for you.
Seriously, get over yourself and use this opportunity to give back to the world, help those in need and those who would only dream of having a subway ride in NYC.
Alexandra - Cease the day - use your rage against Madoff to discover the silver lining - potentially more time with your son, a time to give back to those who really need it -
It seems to me Madoff has given you a gift - a gift of reality - because throughout this entire essay - I didn't see one remark about charity or giving back to others.
So no, again, I don't feel bad for you.
I don't feel bad for you one bit.
pokerguy
This brought me to tears. Since the news broke about Madoff, I've been compulsively drawn to every story I can find on the subject. Human pain is not additive;every individual suffers alone, all tragedy is local. But the sheer numbers of people hurt by this is stunning. My sincere good wishes to the writer. The human spirit is miraculously resilient. There's no doubt in my mind you'll write another best seller, perhaps about this experience. You're younger than you think. You'll build again.
Inkstainedhack
It's The (Lack of) Transparency Stupid
I recall as a reporter sent to get the dish on the Securities Traders Assn.(STA) annual bash in Palm Desert, Calif. that the Madoffs, their wives and the other elites were all there. I attended the poolside reception first, chatting with some friendly traders. A man I didn't know walked up to us, pointed to my press tags and asked them what the hell they were thinking.
When subjects are that press shy, you're supposed to be curious. But when the top agency, whose job it is to ask the first questions isn't asking, the story stops there. Oh, I
did try playing round robin tennis with the desperate housewives, in the hope of an inside line, only to get downed with tendonitis by an ace serve in the first round.
Don't think it's just Madoff who played a 'nontransparent' game. Doing a phone interview with a Merrill Lynch employee who rattled on at high speeds, I was told by the PR woman on the conference call that I could pass his quotes by her for accuracy. That's ok, I said, I tape all of my interviews. This is on tape?? she barely screamed across the phone lines. Yes, why, didn't you expect me to hear it? Poor woman raved and threatened everything she could think of, to no avail of course. But it all goes to the same thing - what were they hiding? We now know - plenty!
As for poor Alexandra, were the rumors true that her magazine frequently ripped off freelancers' pitches? If so, moving into a cottage by the pool at your son's Santa Monica home barely seems just. What sappy hyperbole!!
Maureen Nevin Duffy, Planet Finance
Skyrider
What a perfectly horrendous situation. I wish you all the best and know that a sharp, talented woman such as you will find a way to turn this around.
FunnyBusiness
Hopefully, this blog will be a great first step to earning money. As horrific as your story is I did read a wicked sense of humor coming through. So instead of feeling sorry for you,( you give the impression that you will take care of yourself) I just feel immensely sad over what happened to you.
I do believe that your blog can be a comfort and inspiration-- not to mention cheer up anyone who is finding that their world has also changed on a dime.
Midwestobserver
I lost everything when I was in my late 30s and twenty years later am still not back to where I was, but I can say that you do find ways to recover and you learn that there's a lot of stuff you can do without. You've got to be open to big changes. BTW, I read that some people affected by this matter will be able to recover $500k from some kind of fund that covers fraud or something- it's not much, but it might tide you over.
bravian
I agree with the prior commenter. You spend your life accumulating money, living the good life in a very expensive place to live, and give all of your savings to one person or organization to invest. This is financial 101. Don't place all your eggs in one basket. At the very least it may show other 'well-off' people not to make the same naive mistake.
In addition - you apparently have some set of skills outside of being an artist (editor, author, ...) - in a few years you will be back to having a maid - while most other people will have to actually work.
Lawmichele
Well, I DO feel bad for her. Very bad.I don't have a maid, and practically no reserveds, and one primary asset - being my ability to work long hours and bill them - but I would not, for a second, be the least bit snide about the sufferings of someone who worked her entire life and built her nest egg on her own, from her own sweat and talent, even from multiple low paying jobs, and then decided to live the well deserved life of comfort in the last third of her life. She did not inherit wealth. She did not marry wealth.She did not win it in a lottery. She obtained it exactly the way that we are supposed to - the way the American Dream is supposed to work - and she did not do those things that so many do - i.e. spend beyond her means, incur debt, leverage everything to her eyeballs. She did it right.She did it carefully.She did it admirably, in small ways, saving the way everybody is supposed to, in the simple way that Jimmy Steward did it in old movies - nothing fancy - and to have the rug pulled out from under her, through no fault, during the period of her life when she had a right to surround herself with comforts and take a deep breath , this is very very sad. Have some compassion, lady!
FollowerofStPaul
I can assure Ms. Penney that many in America today feel her pain, however, we must all remember that every thing we see around us is temporary; those things which we cannot see remain will always remain eternal.
America has chosen to abandon it's core values in exchange for pride and greed. We all must reap what we sow.
Although it may be difficult, we must learn to forgive. Hate the sin, not the sinner. I cannot help but feel that as time goes by we will continue to hear these stories of tremendous loss and sorrow.
Killing oneself is not the answer, however, attempting to find a new beginning truly is. I have lost everything recently due to my own grandisement, greed, and failing to accept my addiction to alcohol. I lost my home, my law practice, but I also lost alcoholm gambling, and debauchery. Although as I write these words to another who suffers monetray and personal loss, I can assure Ms. Penney and others that a simple act like prayer and reading God's Word can bring a certain sense of serenity and peace.
Even if you choose not to accept the concept of an Almighty Creator, look to a Higher Power to assist you in your plight. The now famous poem commonly referred to as "Footprints" could be a start! Good Luck Ms. Penney, and may your God bless!
wholeuser
Everything is relative.
lynneseed
Welcome to the world of real life Alexandra. It's not easy living on less. It's not easy to wake up in the middle of the night and wonder where your next meal is coming from. It's not easy to look at your beautiful home and your beautiful clothes and your beautiful jewelry and think I may never have or see you again. If you don't what then my friend? Having been down the road of downsizing I can tell you it's OK. You WILL get through it. In fact at the end of the road you will be a stronger, healthier, happier person. Right now you r saying WTF but if you had it once you may even get again. It's only money. THINGS give us the sense of security but THINGS are not security they are THINGS they are not real life. The fact that you have a son with a home with a cottage for you to live in is one of the biggest gifts of the universe. Maybe you should live there, be dependent, see what is real and what is not. Love my friend of a son of your friends of yourself is more important than anything. Those are the things you will discover with this loss of what was material and so important. You may discover 'you' and all that is within 'you' that has made you strong and successful in the past. You haven't lost that. The loss of your money by that theif allowed you to write this blog and share your story and help others which is what life is really all about. Helping, loving, giving, allowing others to give to you. It's really a beautiful thing. The next time you want to reach for the poison or do away with Mr Madoff who is being taken care of in the way of the world, full exposure and for sure a hefty jail sentence, say thank you God, thank you world, I am reborn to live the life I was meant to live. Just wake up look at your beautiful self in the mirror and say he may have taken my money but he didn't take me. He made me a more giving, caring, self aware soul who by virtue of this very blog has today helped others. Like your son with the cottage and your friend who helped teach you to use a metro card take a look at life and how lucky you are to be living it to the fullest.
Go girl. YOU have a future. It it will be better than any home or pearls or dinner party you ever had. We suffer to gain and that you have in triple digits. Enjoy it gets better and then some other lesson of life will come along and hit you in the butt.
Lynne / LynneWhitesite.com
vankuyk
Welcome to the club of the working sixty year olds!
Freddy2000
You kind of had me until the last bit about not taking a subway in THIRTY years-- sounds like you needed a cosmic wake up call--BIG TIME!
citivas
niccidanella misses the boat. Theft is a personal violation, a psychological rape. Not to minimize the suffering of others, but they have nothing to do with what happened to her. There is always someone with a worse circumstance. You and your middle class family still live in a setting that would be considered lavish, secure and rich by the standards of many people in the world. Yet if someone broke into your family's house, stole everything then torched the house, then committed identify fraud and robbed your bank accounts and canceled your insurance, you would be devastated and feeling pretty sorry for yourselves too. I doubt you would be thinking, "oh well, at least we're still better off than people in Haiti." This woman didn't have any of her wealth and security handed to her -- she spent decades earning it. And now its gone. She's probably still better off than me, but I still feel enormously sorry for her. And she's absolutely right -- this evil man must be a sociapath of sorts He is basically the equivilent of a mass murderer who's actions for his own personal glory and success will ruin thousands of lives, not just his direct investors but people many times removed who were dependent on the charities that are closing their doors as a result of the money he stole from them. This is a man who has literally stolen medicine from sick little children so he can live in style and be the center of attention. Sick.
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