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Shabbat Sha-Lohan!
Lindsay Lohan even tried converting to Judaism to save her relationship with Samantha Ronson. No surprise, says Andy Borowitz: Her movies are filled with subtle but rich Talmudic themes.
Just when we were getting used to the idea that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian, now comes word that she may become a Jew. According to Page Six (דף שש in Hebrew), Lindsay has considered converting to Judaism to show her commitment to her beloved, DJ Samantha Ronson. If Lindsay had announced her lesbianism without announcing her Judaism, it would have been enough—or as members of Lindsay’s new tribe like to say, “Dayenu.” But with the big Lindsay shocker dropping just before Passover, the youngest child at the Seder table may be tempted to ditch the traditional Haggadah and ask a new version of the Four Questions: 1) Will Lindsay change her name to Lohanstein?; 2) On Passover, does Lindsay smoke a different herb than she usually smokes?;3) Do Lindsay and Sam play “Hide the matzoh”?; and, most crucially, 4) Why is this lesbian different from all other lesbians?
Georgia Rule, pulled from theaters after one week, represents darkness, while the Volkswagen or “bug” in Herbie Fully Loaded represents either locusts or gnats.
Even as reports swirl that the two Jewesses' love might head for the exodus, Lindsay's relationship with the Torah is likely to endure. This is the opinion of Talmudic scholars, who are among the staunchest admirers of her cinematic oeuvre.
Enjoy.
Freaky Friday (2003)
Interestingly, Lohan’s breakthrough film was titled Freaky Saturday before the teenage actress signed on. After reading the script, however, Lohan insisted on the change, telling one studio executive, “I don’t mean to kvetch, but my character would never be freaky on a Saturday.” One thing she did not ask to be changed was the film’s plotline, which subtly evokes the story of Pesach. In the film, Jamie Lee Curtis switches bodies with Lohan—her firstborn—and thus her daughter is “passed over” by the torments of adolescence. The film garnered raves from such Hebraic movie magazines as Reel Jewish, which gushed, “Freaky Friday makes Yentl look goyische.”
Mean Girls (2004)
At the time of its release, most critics saw Mean Girls as a lighthearted satire of the world of high-school cliques. Many Jewish scholars, however, maintain that the film is a complex allegory for the Jews’ enslavement under Pharaoh, a theme that was first touched on in Freaky Friday. Upon closer examination, clues to the film’s real meaning abound, such as the cafeteria scene in which Lohan’s tray inexplicably carries a bowl of saltwater and a lamb bone.
Herbie Fully Loaded (2005), Georgia Rule (2007), I Know Who Killed Me (2007), etc.
On first glance, Lohan’s most recent movies do not appear to be as overtly Jewish as her earlier work. But not so, according to Yeshiva University professor Shlomo Sitowitz, a leading Lohan film scholar and the only person known to have seen all of her films, including the little-known Confessions of a Teenage Shmata Queen (2002). Sitowitz’s theory, which has gained traction in Jewish cinema circles of late, is that Lohan’s later films are meant to symbolize the Ten Plagues of Egypt. For example, Georgia Rule, pulled from theaters after one week, represents darkness, while the Volkswagen or “bug” in Herbie Fully Loaded represents either locusts or gnats. Scholars may quibble as to which film corresponds to which plague, especially because any number them seem like incurable boils. But one thing is certain, in the words of Professor Sitowitz: “Taken as a whole, Lindsay Lohan’s body of work cements her status as the greatest Jewish film actress since Madonna.”
Andy Borowitz is a comedian and satirist whose work appears in the New Yorker, the New York Times, and at his Web site www.borowitzreport.com. He is appearing live in New York on April 30; tickets are available here.
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Writer and comedian Andy Borowitz's work has appeared in Condé Nast Portfolio, the New Yorker and The New York Times. His Web site is BorowitzReport.com.
Borowitz- you have elevated film criticism to another dimension. Are you sure "Herbie Fully Loaded" doesn't mean something else? Too funny!
And how do two girls play "hide the matzoh?"
Andy, thanks for you commentary...do i have your permission to make 12 copies and substitute it for the Horowitz & Margareten hagaddos I usually place on the Seder table?
You never cease to amaze me! Your satires are brilliant...you just keep getting better.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
This comment has been removed by The Daily Beast's editors.
graphs two and three say almost the exact same thing. Do you have yourself proofread or just a quick spell check and out the door?
Good work. You are a 50 year old (judging by your picture) nobody who is trying to tear down a 22 year old sombody. Good work! Bravo! Did it make you feel good? I sure hope so. Loser.
"And how do two girls play "hide the matzoh?"
You don't want to know. And before you ask, you should bite your tongue.
And why is this night different from all other nights? Guess.
"Good work! Bravo! Did it make you feel good? I sure hope so. Loser."
Is it only the British who have a sense of humor, or does it just seem that way?
Hey bigwurzz: lighten up, it's a joke - get it?
Have you noticed the States has never produced a Monty Python type of troupe?
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!
The British sense of humor is about as good as their dental care! Yeah we never produced a Monty Python "troupe" because we know what funny is. We only produced Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, SNL, etc. etc. etc.
That has to be the lamest comment I have ever read?
OMFG Monty Pythong? Jesus Christ go down to the market and buy yourself a clue.
And this no talent, ugly, old man is still a loser. I could care less about Lindsay Lohan, I just think it rather absurd that an old man would be so interested in making fun of a 22 year old girl.
the states have produced Kids in The Hall and also Mr. Show, which was truly weird. We're good at shooting people, but we can do comedy too!
I thought Kids in The Hall were Canadian? Anyway, can't we all just be funny, without broad nationalistic generalisations?
Andy rocks!!! Its amazing how much detail he can satirize in his columns. I wish he would come to Buffalo NY
I cannot attest to the acting abilities of Miss Lohan, since I know her only by her publicity-grabbing shenanigans. But in the kosher department, does she go all the way? I certainly do hope that whatever she's puffing on or snorting up her nose is kosher, and kosher for Passover. God worries about these kinds of things. Anyway, Andy, a Happy Passover to you and yours; and thanks for sharing your humor. You're a gift.
My God.... 7 of the "Best of the Beast" are fluff entertainment pieces. I can't believe this site anymore.
I saw Andy Borowitz live last year - he was incredibly funny and sexy. This Lindsay piece is hilarious!
I thought the Talmud perscribed stoning to death for homosexuality, silly satire, total waste of time
As we Texan's of the Hebraic persuasion are fond of saying "Chhhhhhowdy." "Good Pesachhhhhhhhhhh." And "Has anybody got a napkin?"
On this second night of Passover, we're asking everyone to seriously consider leaving an extra goblet of wine out for Lindsay. All converted up, but now with now with no place to go. Who needs the tsouris!
Andy, you've opened our eyes and lifted our spirits. Your t'filim reviews rival the Talmudic explication of The DaVinci Code, where, if you'll remember, we learned among other revelations: 1) Fifth station of the cross - crudit�s, 2) Mary Magdalene's middle name, oddly enough -- "Zeta;" 3) Jesus replaced Martin Mull in center square - with a cross to block; and 4) although it was a Ron Howard picture, Opus Dei had almost nothing to do with Opie on Andy Griffith. Just setting the record straight, since Easter is just a hop, hop, and a hop away.
Now since you brought it up, have you ever noticed that the 4 questions are actually 5 questions? Why is this night different from all other nights? Why only unleavened bread? Why bitter herbs? Why tonight do we dip them twice? Why do we recline?
So,Is this part of the tradition? "My kid's got 5 questions - but, for you, 4.99? I'm guessing all still kosher, because, as a people who have perfected the art of answering a question with a question, the ratio is pretty much the same. I'm also guessing that for an outsider to ask this same stuff, it would just be considered being nosey.
Also couldn't help notice that you neglected several of the 6 appetizers on the Passover Combo Platter. Or as we like to refer to them down here, Talmudic Tapas -- because a sprig of parsley can only remotely be considered filling in comparison to the lamb shank bone. Of course it's the symbolism that counts.
The horseradish -- this evening reprising the role of Bitter Herb -- represents the bitterness and harshness of slavery in Egypt. But, because one can never be redundant enough, we also dip the parsley in salt water to represent the bitterness of slavery, combined with the saltiness of our tears. The Charoset - which we understand had been particular favorites of Xavier Cugat - symbolizes the mortar used by the Hebrew slaves to construct the gated communities deemed essential to protect the Egyptians from the overpopulation of Hebrews. (Note: this was the last time at least secular Jews may have ever posed a threat from having too much sex.) But with the honey and the walnuts and the cinnamon and the apples and dates already, also representing the sweetness of our liberation from bondage.
So let's recap: bitter herbs = the bitterness of slavery; dipped parsley = the saltiness of tears; coochie-coochie = the sweetness of liberation. Indentured servitude, on the other hand, is said to be just kind of tangy. The New Settlement Cookbook later explains that three Jewish stars next to any of these in the Haggadah = extra spicey.
As for the matzoh, the Lohan-Ronsons can relax, a new interpretation of the Dead Sea Scrolls says that the Jews actually survived 40 years wandering in the wilderness almost exclusively on Trail Mix. They were originally schedule to wander only 40 weeks, but it was a FEMA project.
Finally, because it's so hard to keep up on these things, everybody should also know that, Jews being the only people for whom 13 is apparently a lucky number, 3 additional plagues have been added this year: cellulite, enlarged prostates, and Bernie Madoff. We certainly hope this helps to clear things up.
Kids in the Hall, pretty sure it's Canadian.
I've sent Andy's column to a lot of friends and they all love it. Thank you, Daily Beast!
bigwurzz doesn't know who Andy Borowitz is? OMG.
Thank you.
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