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The Ethical Slut Returns
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Into threesomes? Foursomes? Moresomes? The co-author of a cult classic about open relationships talks sex communes, romantic one-night stands, and offering chicken soup to lovers.
An underground hit for years in sexually experimental circles, Dossie Easton’s and Janet W. Hardy’s The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships and Other Adventures makes the case that we should all enjoy an occasional threesome, foursome, and moresome with friends and strangers. “We believe it’s OK to have sex with anybody you love,” Easton and Hardy write, “and we believe in loving everybody.”
“Many people find their partner advertising unbeknownst to them; people set up anonymous dates and it turns out to be their spouse who answered the ad.”
Newly updated, expanded, and blurbed by the likes of Margaret Cho and David Crosby, the book’s authors seek to help individuals and couples who “dream of freedom.” The Daily Beast spoke to Easton, a sex therapist outside San Francisco who “has been an ethical slut since 1969.”
By “slut,” you don’t mean someone who detaches sex from emotion, or who selfishly takes advantage of others; instead you urge readers to seek love—genuine emotional connections—in “abundance,” rejecting the notion that our affection is a pizza with only so many slices.
This idea started way back in the communal era in 1969 when I was in Haight-Ashbury. I said, “If I want to change my world in terms of how relationships are, and be non-monogamous forever in my own personal life, it should be about warmth and affection.” One of the very first things I learned was how to be affectionate toward many lovers, which is very hard to do coming from New York where things are very cool and detached.
There was no precedent but it worked; I could love them, be there for them, care for them—if someone was sick I’d bring them chicken soup—and be loyal in a new way that fit for a lot of people, including other women and single mothers. We were the love generation, and we were very new to sexual freedom. There was a lot of idealism. Very quickly I had a community of people excited about raising our children. We created the proverbial village long before It Takes a Village.
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures. By Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy. 288 pages. Celestial Arts. $16.95.
Young people in the 21st century seem much more utilitarian about hooking up, whereas emotions are reserved for relationships, so it’s bizarre to think of one night stands as romantic.
My primary partner is of your generation, actually. People who prefer polyamory are very into the notion that these relationships can be connected and full. I have a whole bunch of lovers whom I have dates with once per year. We’re dear, dear friends… I have a primary partner—my life partner—whom I live with, and a secondary lover, and some playmates locally. Essentially what you are creating is a very complicated, interconnected family. It’s a community, and if someone has an illness or a breakup, everyone is there to offer support. I can’t go around in the Bay Area though because I’ve ceded it to my clients; I’ve ruled out sharing sex with my therapy clients.
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Lloyd Grove is editor at large for The Daily Beast. He is also a frequent contributor to New York magazine and was a contributing editor for Condé Nast Portfolio. He wrote a gossip column for the New York Daily News from 2003 to 2006. Prior to that, he wrote the Reliable Source column for the Washington Post, where he spent 23 years covering politics, the media, and other subjects.
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Marty Beckerman is the author of Generation S.L.U.T. (MTV Books) and Dumbocracy (Disinformation). He has written for Playboy, Discover, Radar and Huffington Post. His website is www.MartyBeckerman.com.
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No, Russian roulette is a blast for the losers...
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Hello --
Actually, the book itself contains extensive suggestions for minimizing the risk of STD transmission. Given that the interview questions didn't touch on that subject, my co-author didn't discuss it -- but if Marty had asked, Dossie could have given him lots of good information about how sluts stay safe.
Janet W. Hardy
co-author, "The Ethical Slut"
If you practice safer sex, you'll be fine. Sure, there's always a chance of getting an STD, but you can minimize that risk while living a happy life, just like any other potential condition (cancer, etc.) Live a happy life, and stop worrying so much, so long as you've taken precautions. Don't use scare tactics irresponsibly to disguise your prudishness.
As for polyamory, whatever floats your boat, if it's amongst consenting adults. Which is only fair.
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Consenting adults ought to be free to pursue whetever relationships they desire with other consenting adults.
Government ought to stay out of legislating morality - it never, ever works - and leave that to religious institutions.
too bad so many people have the ethical standards of a three-day-old doughnut.
Oh Lord.... (shakes head)
Where do they get these people?
Divorce as been a big part of my life, and I see no reason why the study of love and human relationships cannot include polyamory. Don't be so quick to judge.
"Young people in the 21st century seem much more utilitarian about hooking up"
As a young person in the 21st century, I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit.
We can't call "bullshit" unless we know what the hell she's talking about.
u%u22C5til%u22C5i%u22C5tar%u22C5i%u22C5an
%u2002 %u2002/yu%u02CCt%u026Al%u026A%u02C8t%u025B%u0259ri%u0259n/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [yoo-til-i-tair-ee-uhn] Show IPA
-adjective
1. pertaining to or consisting in utility.
2. having regard to utility or usefulness rather than beauty, ornamentation, etc.
3. of, pertaining to, or adhering to the doctrine of utilitarianism.
-noun
4. an adherent of utilitarianism.
Origin:
1775-85; utilit(y) -arian
Synonyms:
2. practical, useful, functional, sensible.
Sorry. Some weird dictionary font translates as garbage. Nevertheless, we've clarified the issue. NOW we can call "bullshit".
This article turns me on...good thing it's almost happy hour!!
I'm going
To look
At the mailman
In a whole
New way.
To each their own of course. I'm just glad I don't have to socialize with people like this. The separation between sexual impulse and responsibility is going to have devastating effects on these people. They deserve the consequences of their actions.
This type of activity is not necessarily pure sexual impulse, I doubt she's advocating a free-for-all. It's completely possible to approach sex with multiple partners responsibly and avoid "consequences" ie stds. Not everyone has to be a free-spirit sex therapist in san francisco, she's just saying we shouldn't feel obligated to be miserable in the death-trap that is monogamous marriage.
They will indeed reap the consequences of their choices.
But it isn't any of our business, is it?
Ethical standards we can judge. Morality is a bit different, and the judgement of what is and is not moral is up to the individual.
The difference? Ethical conduct requires one to treat others as one desires to be treated. Ethical conduct is quantifiable. Moral conduct is utterly subjective. Morality says which things are right and wrong based on an interior belief system.
It could be ethical for one to engage in responsible polyamorous relationships.
The morality of it has to be determined by the people involved.
The rest of us should mind our own business.
what consequences? as long as everyone involved gets tested and uses protection it's no more dangerous than a monogamous relationship.
education is the way to promote responsible behavior, no matter what type of relationship. marriage is often a method to contain people who aren't educated in safe sex.
Not really my thing. Not knocking anyone else, but hooking up with lots of women seems unstable..like on is constantly looking..never satisfied.
It amazes me that people who appear horrified of reading this article took the time to read the entire article, and comment, if this is not your cup of tea, stop reading and move on, don't post your judgemental and idiotic comments, and also don't assume that because someone has an alternative lifestyle they go all willy neely into a bar and have sex with a random person... if you are going to read the article, make sure you understand it!!
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