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Secret Code of Sports Mistresses
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The woman who killed former NFL MVP Steve McNair made a fatal mistake when she got involved with him, according to athletes’ groupies—she fell in love.
As soon as I heard Steve McNair got offed by his mistress, Saleh Kazemi, I couldn’t help but wonder: Jeez, didn’t this girl know the rules? Among pro athletes and those who love them, Groupie Rules are so entrenched that legions of spandexed women manage to abide by them on a regular basis and no one ever gets killed. In fact, if you look at the statistics—as CNN solemnly reported in the wake of the McNair murder-suicide, “80 to 90 percent” of pro athletes cheat (presumably the other 10 to 20 percent are recovering from groin injuries)—and factor in the jealousy and money involved, you might be amazed no one ever got murder-suicided before. But as with any evolved society, there’s a reason for that: there are rules. And as I discovered during an extended visit into their world, the good groupies know them.
Rule # 1: You do not fall in love. EVER. Unless you are Eva Longoria. And even then….
Rule # 2: Never, ever even entertain the notion that they are going to leave their wife for you. These guys have even less of a chance of doing that than your average philanderer. Their wives know the score—that’s part of the reason they aren’t leaving, either.
“If she played by the rules, she would have just gotten knocked up,” America's top groupie expert told me. “And then she would have had child support payments for life. But she got in too deep.”
Rule #3: Try to get jewelry or an Escalade, but for chrissakes, make sure it’s fully paid for upfront. (Saleh, what were you thinking?)
Even a stripper from Minneapolis who for six years, according to the New York Daily News, was also involved with McNair—not to be confused with the other Other woman who apparently set Saleh off on her murderous rampage—knew the rules. As the former manager of her strip club so eloquently put it, “She liked money and athletes. She went out with athletes before. She was one of those girls who said, ‘You’re married? You have kids? So what? Let’s have fun.”
That’s playing by the rules.
I had the opportunity, if not great fortune, three years ago to meet a whole bunch of these ladies when GQ Magazine sent me to the NBA All-Star game in Houston to hang out with groupies for four very long days and nights at the Doubletree Hotel. (My second choice was lethal injection.) It was there that I learned how to drink Grey Goose in Styrofoam cups (with mixers from Costco), how to fake cleavage (finally!) and the difference between a Gutter Groupie and a Fly Girl.
Gutter Groupies wait in parking lots after games and are happy just to give oral sex to an athlete (heck, even a bodyguard will do). Fly Girls have something more going on. They are just classy enough to often merit oral sex a second time. Sometimes there is jewelry involved. I met one of these Fly Girls in Houston at Dave & Busters, the same beer-burgers-and-games chain that Steve McNair would later meet Saleh Kazemi (we both went to to D and Bs, it seems, to find groupies). She was a beauty. And knew exactly what she wanted and how to get it. “You gotta pay to play,” she told me, explaining why she’d sprung for hair extensions and a real Louis Vuitton bag before heading to Houston. “You want a look that says, ‘I’m available but I ain’t cheap.’” Now this is a role model. But the one thing that struck me in Houston was that every woman I met, Gutter to Fly, knew the rules.
So what was up with this Saleh?
Until she bought the gun, everything about her made perfect sense. She was the classic conquest for any pro ball player, current or retired, looking to cheat on his wife with no strings attached—which is to say, all them. (Okay, okay, 80 to 90 percent of them.) She was 20 and nubile. (Yes, it sounds awfully young, but do you think these guys are trying to score 40-year olds? Even late 20s tends to be a stretch.) She worked as a waitress at Dave & Busters. Check. Where he picked her up. Check. (Hooters must have been closed). She adored him (they all do), and was willing to fly to Vegas or wherever he wanted her to be, even if she would get stood up when she arrived. All standard protocol for groupies who end up scoring.
So why couldn’t she have just left it at that, like the countless other women who bed married pro ball players? For answers, I called up my old pal, the fabulous and stunning Brenda Thomas. I first met Brenda in Philadelphia on my way to the NBA All-Star Game because everyone had told me Brenda was the groupie expert. She’s former longtime personal assistant to Stephon Marbury who infuriated Marbury (and his wife) when she wrote a juicy novel called Threesome: Where Seduction, Power and Basketball Collide, in which a vast assortment of (allegedly fictional) women spend a great deal of time on their knees, in service to the NBA.
Brenda did not disappoint. We talked about oral sex, condoms (they do stick pins in them!), and what cheating players really want (“what their wives won’t do for them… These are women who will do these things.”)
Your wife will also not shoot you to death. (Though boxer Arturo Gatti’s wife apparently strangled him last weekend.)
So what did she make of this Saleh chick?
“You know, when I first heard Steve McNair got shot to death, I’m thinking, okay, did somebody set him up? Was he into something? You don’t think of some chick knocking him off. Then you come to find out it’s this murder-suicide thing. And I’m like, How the hell did he get himself involved in that? I heard he wasn’t the brightest bulb, but still. My thing is, she did not know the rules of the game. And neither did he. You don’t go getting in a relationship with a 20 year old.”
So what rules did she not follow?
“You don’t fall in love, okay? And you don’t let them know you’re in love with them. Because then they begin to push back, they know at that point, you’re gonna be needy, you’re gonna want them to leave the wife… They want something that’s stress free. They don’t want nobody saying, ‘Where you going?’ Cause they can get that at home.”
And you mentioned that he broke the rules, too?
“Right. And his rules are, You have whatever action you want on the side, but you don’t go in too deep. You don’t buy a truck, with the girl, in both of your names. And you send somebody else to pick up the girl from the police station after she gets arrested for drunk driving. You don’t do that all stuff.”
So where was his thinking? I mean, he bought her an Escalade, but she still had to make the payments. Is that what these guys do?
“No! I mean, maybe in some cases. But it wasn’t like this girl had a corporate job where she could make the payments. You should not have all these bills if you’re dating Steve McNair. But she was trying to prove to him, ‘I’m not like the other girls, who need expensive gifts.’ She would have been better off doing that. But she wanted to trap him.”
Has anything like this ever happened in this world?
“Other girls get pregnant, they tell the media, they go harass the wife. But I can’t recall anything like this. If she played by the rules, she would have just gotten knocked up. And then she would have had child support payments for life. But she got in too deep. I mean, thank God that other women that she followed, she didn’t knock her off too! “
Lisa DePaulo is a correspondent for GQ magazine.
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CountRaoul
I guess Lisa's telling the truth. Makes me sad though. 80-90% of pro athletes cheat. OMG!? As the father of two daughters, I wonder what makes women think this horrible self-distructive behavior is a good thing. I used to be jealous of men who attracted sexy women. Now I just feel dirty knowing the 'rules' exist.
GREGORYABUTLER
It's not self destructive - wifey gets the last name, the money and the respectability - mistress gets the money and the hot sex with a muscular hardbody famous guy - and the athlete gets the best of both worlds, a loyal wife at home, and hot anonymous sex on the road!
What part of that don't you understand!
It's all win-win as long as everybody understands the rules!
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jeffzekas
This reminds me of the Clint Eastwood movie, where Clint and a bad guy have their guns drawn. "Before we fight, first... the rules," says Clint. "What rules?" the bad guy drawls. Clint fires his gun and kills the bad guy. "Rule number one: there all no rules" he replies.
Cinghiale
@jeffzekas You're thinking of Paul Newman and Harvey Long in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. And it was a knife fight. "Rules? In a knife fight?" The Newman kicks him in the nuts.
webhead
Actually it wasn't Clint, it was Paul Newman in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. It was a knife fight with a really huge dude, for the right to lead the Hole in the Wall Gang. While Paul (Butch) was saying 'we need to set the rules' he kicked the big dude, by surprise, in the groin and then said 'first rule is there are no rules' and then proceeded to win the fight. One of the best movies EVER!
piktor
Yes, it was Paul Newman. Kick in the nuts. Bad guy falls to the ground. Discussion and fight, over.
Stuball
I love this sub thread. It reminds me a WWII Veteran I knew who was challenged by a man much larger/stronger than he. They went outside to have their fight - this would have been in the late 1940s - and my friend sweet talked his opponent and then kicked him in the nuts. I was told this story probably 20 years ago and my friend clearly was very pleased with himself.
djanimaequeen
Are you also wondering why these athletes feel that it is okay to cheat on their wives? It takes two to tango but often times it's the woman who takes all the blame in these situations. It angers me that all of the moral responsibility lands squarely on the shoulders of the woman. Forget that this man made a promise to God to honor his wife! Granted he didn't deserve to die, I'm just saying that men who cheat should be just as shunned from society as the hoes they cheat with. If you are caught cheating on your spouse (man or woman) you should loose your job, your reputation...everything! If you're a ho, don't get married! Why is that so hard to understand?
StreetProse
The reason behind it has somewhat to do with the fact that the celebrity drug of choice is to use that 'celebrity' he or she has to achieve whatever desires that takes their fancy at any given moment. They are weakened through their drug at some point and crumble like any other human does.
Steve McNair was just living out the life of the pro athlete/local hero and unfortunately got involved with someone willing to take his life and hers, the only reason we are even discussing this is because she was crazy enough to kill.
THINKNIUM
I don't wonder, i KNOW it's ok,
What about the wife who also made a promise to God to be his partner but then later refuse to do her part in the partnership: from the article: ("what their wives won't do for them... These are women who will do these things.") I know I did., find someone else to be my woman when wife refuse to keep up with romance and sex. I disagree, men who cheat should not be shunned if their wife stop being a wife(partner). What's not mentioned in the news is that these guys wives stop being a wife to them for a long time. (Edwards, Ensign, Sanford, Spitzer, McNair, Clinton.....etc) Why is that so hard to understand ?!, djanimaequeen.
wonkguy
All I'm gonna say is we are failing, failing young women in this country if we are raising them in a culture that suggests "Yeah you could work hard and try to do something meaningful with your life, or you could put on a pair a booty shorts, get a job at D&B and give BJ's to atheletes in parking lots". Is that really any better than these fundamentalist societies that treat women like chattle?
bernieg
Does anyone believe that this girl being Iranian came from terrorists roots, she's only been in the country for a few years...could it be why she could pull a trigger without blinking an eye... come on people its not normal to just shoot to kill over love... its hardly that way today... usually u find someone else or cheat on him or whatever... not just pull the trigger. what a horrible way to end a relationship, but not if ur born with a certain mindset... we in America just don't get it...this was a cultural move provoked by jealousy...this is not the action of an American girl...think about that
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MikePost
So... the Federal Defense of Marriage Act didn't protect this guy? What's going on here in America when so many guys are not honoring their marriage vows? Why can't congress enforce this Defense of Marriage for America? Shame!
wvliberalgirl
Oh, you are so clever. I love it!
nortonclybourn
How can you deny that gay couples are undermining The Institution of Marriage? Look what they made Mark Sanford do!
Johnnyappleseed
"Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"....Anon.
If congress did that they would all be under investigation...don'tcha think?
mdoukmas
actually, that quote's from William Congreve.
pretty insightful article though!
webhead
Why is this an insightfull article? Nothing here that we all don't know already, some women like rich men, wow how insightful! What is insightful is the sexism. If this were a Man who killed/suicide all the articles would talk about violence against women, how we need to stop it, we need tougher laws...etc. But this case seems to get almost comical status, well dude you cheated on your wife, got what you deserved. She's a murduring wench, who took the cowards way out, what the hell does love and the code have to do with it.
baptox
webhead, I agree that the tone of the article (and many comments) is appalling. I think when something shocking and violent occurs to a public person, a way for humans feel better about themselves is to use sarcasm as a distancing mechanism. ("He got his because he was stupid, a philanderer, rich, egotistical"...-fill in the blank). We all do this to some degree individually, but it is becoming a numbing cultural response. It's a shorthand version of explaining the inexplicable in a simplistic manner
.
I am saddened that two lives were taken unnecessarily by a person's violent acts. Whatever Mr. McNair's faults or shortcomings, he did not deserve to be murdered. I do think, however, that the age difference between the two (he was nearly twice her age) and her mental frailty were factors here. Too bad this young lady didn't receive help at an early age for her serious mental health issues.
jst4horses
Well, maybe one or two that would not.
Congress is as sad as athletes and other celebritites who are addicted to sex. Like drugs, drinking, gambling, or any other addiction, it harms other people and can lead to situations such as these.
But, we do not teach children or adults about reality, we still say "in love" and describe what is either a mentall illness that turns to stalking when we do not want that obsessed person around us anymore, or hate, when one or both figures out the feeling in the groin is not what a partnership is based on.
Like any other addiction, and I wrote the book for women in domestic violence programs "Addicted to Dick", sexual addiction causes a lot of heartbreak and self esteem breaking problems.
Even death I guess if this case is an example.
THINKNIUM
Partnership is based on meeting each other's needs., which includes feelings in the groin. Natural desire for sex almost is biological instinct for most normal healthy men and women, It is not an addiction, you are full of it. If one partner refuse to fullfill the their partner's needs, then the unfullfilled one have the right to leave and find another partner. My guess is that, at your older age, you still don't understand the strong biological natural instinct for sex, especially in young men. (a lot of heartbreak and self esteem breaking problems.) occurs because too many women still don't understand this biological nature. When is the last time, you heard of a woman that does great sex (and understands his needs) to her man, that her man leave her for another woman.
baptox
Her fury must have been fueled by his behavior, though. I mean she was arrested for driving while impaired a few days prior to the murder-suicide, and Mr. Mcnair, a passenger in the car, escaped in a taxi. After her release from jail, she then sees another woman leave his condo?
I am not making excuses for her behavior but she was, afterall, lead on by Mr. McNair to believe that they had a future together. She was also twenty years old and quite mentally ill. Did he not see something like this coming?
Mercy1981
Great Read! Growing up I know a lot of women who dreamed of getting knocked up by a pro athlete. Nobody wanted to be a wife, just knocked up. I only know one girl who made it he plays for the NFL. lol
jst4horses
This knocked up only thing is sad for the kids. I know a very rich man who had a mother who just wanted to get knocked up and force a rich man to marry her. She did. She made all her children miserable. Sad.
It goes on both sides of the track. These get pregnant for some weird selfish reason women. Sad.
THINKNIUM
I don't call payment for life, a weird reason. quote from the pro groupie above; "If she played by the rules, she would have just gotten knocked up. And then she would have had child support payments for life."
baptox
Sad crowd you hung out with. Most jocks who go pro end up loosing all of their money, disabled (or suffering from serious health problems) and out of a job by the time they're thirty. Not a very dependable source of child support!
martykz
Rather than Defense of Marriage we need Legalization of Prostitution.
jst4horses
I think we need "He's not really that in to you" as required class material for 9 year old girls in America and then they can make a commitment to themselves and their unborn children to get thier own life together and make sure they find a partner, not a man they "make" or are owned by.
I thank my Mom for teaching me basically what Donald Trump has said which is that love is great, but divorce is for the mistakes and don't make a fool of yourself. And of course PRENUPS.
The book Monster, is about a child who had one of these athlete fathers, really nice guy.
We need to train boys that sperms lead to kids and cheating leads to hurting everyone, and they do not have to be poorly behaved dogs humping on anything in sight.
My Dad taught me that.
pclayton
You had a wonderful dad. What you wrote is a very constructive piece; too bad "sweetmoses" and his cronies use the excuse that men--especially ones who earn tons of money "playing ball"--are incapable of understanding.
THINKNIUM
My dad taught me don't turn sperm into kids, shoot it somewhere else. and sometimes you have to cheat if your woman refuse to be a woman to you., and time to leave and find another. You can hump if it's done smartly by understand the nature of the (thinking difference) between man and woman. My friends and I discuss this often, and you won't catch this group of men "lead to kids and hurting everyone"
Quadravion
Sheesh, Lisa. Isn't it too soon too laugh . . .
I did anyway . . . Very entertaining.
Can you PLEASE write something about Debbie Rowe?
Maezeppa
She was proabably an alcoholic. Most of these kinds of killings are alcohol-fueled.
jst4horses
I would wonder what research you have to back that up.
I would say hate is more likelty the cause, and what right did she have to hate.
What part of don't date married men unless you like to get screwed did she not understand, or maybe she did not have a Mom to teach her, or she ddn't believe her Mom.
I also think the wives are a problem in these killings from time to time, and I would want to see real academic statistics on the number of those related to alcohol as well before I buying that statistic.
And there are the ones who just take it.
I felt really sad for Elizabeth Edwards on the rerun Oprah yesterday and her thoughts about her husband and his cheating. I think women need to stop taking care of cheating husbands, and face facts, it is a form of abuse.
I think that needs to be taught as well.
If a person, man or woman, wants to leave a relationship, they should be honest, follow Danny Devito's advice in "War of the Roses" pack a bag, take off and leave everyone the hell alone.
I also think if any cheater said, I am a selfish jerk that wants to harm my kids, my wife, you and take advantage of women who are so stupid they think stripping or prostitution is a career not being used, few would have the opportunity to cheat.
I think marriage is the hardest job anyone will ever have, but worth it, if both work on it, I have friends who have been married for seventy years, a Grandmother and Grandfather who made it to seventiety anniversary. It can happen, but even some of them admit, it was hard, and sometimes cheating was a way to figure ot the problems were getting deep.
THINKNIUM
I don't feel sad for Elizabeth ASSwards, she writes a book and go on the media circuit to make MONEY for herself in order to deny and refuse to admit her part of the mistakes in the marriage. But at least John admitted his. In other words it's ok for her to ignore his needs but not ok for him to ignore her needs (whatever those were).
redeye99
Get it straight. When rulebreaker McNair hustled her, she was NINETEEN, high school dropuot, and a waitress who had a longtime boyfriend. McNair , the millionaire mid-thirties ex-jock, entered a relationship with her and turned her into Mrs. Goodbar. She was no groupie and didn't need the rulebook.
CathyB
My daughter and I attended a Barnes & Noble Mother/Daughter book club several years ago, a very nice young woman with her daughter sat next to us and we started to talk. Getting to know her via the monthly book club, exchanging phone numbers and going to her home (just relocated to Texas from the East Coast). Single Mom raising her daughter on her own and come to find out the daughter was the result of an affair with a pro athlete. He already had a family, she was the "other women." Photo's to prove it along with Super Bowl items she received from this very well know pro athlete. I would never tell her name or what she revealed to me. This type of situation goes on more than you will ever know. The Head Coaches are also communicating with the families as well as the other women in their players lives. She indicated she was going to, one day, write a tell all book to help, not only the other women, but also the families, to understand what actually goes on in the high stakes world of a pro athlete (football).
Slim45
Is it me, or is this article just cold-hearted? Fall in love..blah, blah, blah. They are both dead for heaven's sake!
jst4horses
They are both dead because they both thought they could beat the odds. Love is an emotion we should not mess with, the opposite is hate, and first of all we need to look for stable people (if there are any, myself included in that thought about maybe there being none) and then work hard.
I work with gang abatment, and racism abatement, I have my own animal assisted therapy program, along with the smiles and the success come the suicides, the deaths by gun, the horrors kids in the streets put on each other, and lots of crap that is beyond the horse and dog, cat, and bird poop.
But it is worth just one life changed for the better.
Marriage is like that. Just one day of amazing partnership is worth the hard work, and if you work hard, most of the days will be good ones.
So, yes they are both dead, but maybe the rest of us can learn something, or teach something and make it worth something, not just the sad waste it was. If he had only spent the time he wasted degrading women upgrading his wife and family, what a great thing that would have been. If she had spent the time building self esteem and a career as she spent having sex with a celebrity, they both would NOT be dead.
THINKNIUM
You have no proof that he spent time to degrade women, I seriously doubt that those women were forced to be with him.Truth is that women believe they have something to gain by being with him. I know your thinking, just like many older self righteous women i know. Men are evil and Women are not evil, just have to spent time building self esteem and a career and blah blah blah, blah blah.
GREGORYABUTLER
The article is REALISTIC!
jst4horses
One would think, that after Lorena chastisted her cheating spouse, and mean spouse, someone would have gotten the message that we need to be better educated in relationship matters.
THINKNIUM
One would think, if Lorena can cut his off down there; by gender equality, shouldn't somewhere else on the planet a man can glue shut down there, a total none responsive spouse and mean spouse. i support the true equal rights.
Laughingheresy
just a small observation. If Sahel had any arab origin, this is kinda funny, because her name, in Arabic, roughly translates to "easy."
keemia
she's persian and her name means "beach". nice name, actually.
pclayton
Apparently, contemporary women have achieved and have learned very little over history about what constitutes female self-esteem. Unfortunately, the easiest and most acceptable way for a woman to be considered "valuable," attractive, and empowered remans being willing to strip/perform sexual acts for rich and powerful men (athletes, politicians, actors, musicians, etc). Until this value system changes, there will be stories with outcomes like this one.
Liberation was a concept that died with the 60's. Ask any teenaged girl if she would rather be considered "hot" or "smart" and she will opt for the former. Ask her brother if he would rather be a doctor who finds a cure for cancer or a professional ballplayer with a multi-million dollar contract and he will select the latter. This article tells me that women accept the fact that if we marry a man who wields any kind of power, and especially if he is a physically endowed, well- recognized, and a well- (over-) paid athlete, we should expect him to cheat (80 to 90 percent is a lot of men). To set up professional athletes as role models and accept their extracurricular sexual behavior as "just the way it is, it comes with the territory" allows these people to become are our sons' heros and our daughters obsessions. Accordingly, we are encouraging our sons to be philandering dogs and our daughters to become playtoys for the big boys that daddy watches on TV.
This really turns me off to professional sports entirely. Ever notice that when a ballgame (any type of ballgame) is televized, the cameraperson (man?) nearly always finds the bimbos in the audience to pan--like the audience expects to see this or the game would not be complete. Even the bloody UFC (mixed martial arts, where anything goes) has their own little bimbos, whose job it is to dress in bikinis and sneakers to carry the round-number signs as they walk around the octagon in bikinis and sneakers blowing kisses to the crowd when the camera lights on them (and, of course, they are always introduced as "the lovely blah blah blah"): What's the message? Women have no real function except to be the eye candy for men who supposedly are watching other men demonstrate their testosterone levels and brutal fighting prowess. So, this is where we have come. How base can we get? It may as well be first century Rome
Granite
Everyone is over-thinking this. They're dead because that girl was crazy. She was probably able to hide her insanity from her co-workers but I'll bet people who knew her better will attest that she had some form of mental illness.
Also, in the picture, why does her name-tag say Jenni? Is the name Sahel too ethnic?
sweetmoses
First of all, 100% of athletes cheat. The women married to these men know full well what they're getting into.
McNair is the one that broke the rules. He lied to her. Had he told the truth and told the girl,
"Look, I'm married cause I got 4 boys. I really like you and want to spend time with you, but I can't leave my family."
he'd probably still be alive.
hcrimson
Ok, but you realize that this girl was naive and unhinged and that even if he did tell her that he would never get a divorce, in her mind she might have still thought that she'd be the one to succeed in getting him to leave his wife? It's silly thinking, but it's the way a lot of foolish women think.
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