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The Audacity of Oops
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
Pete Souza / The White House
Daily Beast columnist Christopher Buckley procured an early draft of President Obama’s upcoming State of the Union speech.
My fellow Americans,
Tonight I can report to you that the state of the union, on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being excellent, is a 9.8.
Now, you may ask—and I wouldn’t blame you for asking—how I came up with that number. You might be saying to yourself, “Wait a minute. I’ve got no job, no health insurance. My house isn’t worth half the amount of my mortgage, and I just got called up by the National Guard to do a fifth tour in Afghanistan. How the heck did he come up with 9.8?”
So it’s a good and valid question. And the answer is that 9.8 is pretty good, considering the mess my predecessor and the Republicans left me. Fair enough? I think so.
A year ago, I inspired the nation to have the audacity to hope that I would change the political culture in Washington. Now, it turns out I’m another hack politician.
I want to acknowledge some folks in this chamber here tonight. The cipher-faced, light-skinned fellow right behind me is Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader, from the great state of Nevada, home of gambling, legal prostitution, and empty nuclear-waste facilities.
Over the last year, Harry has managed to do something I wouldn’t have dreamt possible: make me look like a total tool of the political establishment. How did he manage that? How did I manage that?
A year ago, I inspired the nation to have the audacity to hope that I would change the political culture in Washington. Now, a year later, it turns out I’m another hack politician—from Chicago, where, believe you me, we know a thing or two about hack politics.
I was going to set a new standard. Now I’m just a complicit bystander as Harry bribes, among others, a senator from Nebraska who wants his state to get a free pass on Medicare—in return for his vote on a health-care reform bill that would make the Founders weep, or throw up. Or both.
What a difference a year makes. But I’m pleased to report that before I came up here tonight, I was able to sign a contract with my publisher for a new book. I’m going to call it The Audacity of Oops.
As you know, it is customary procedure, during a State of the Union, for one Cabinet officer not to attend, so as to provide continuity of government in the event someone, say, flies a plane into the Capitol Building or sets off a nuclear bomb or what-have-you. Tonight, you will be reassured to know that Secretary Janet Napolitano of the Department of Homeland Security is at an undisclosed location, making sure that, as she would put it, the system goes on working.
I can further report that Secretary Napolitano has come up with an ingenious plan to prevent a recurrence of the Christmas bombing attempt. From now on, all planes flying into the United States will carry not air marshals but Dutch artists. For we now know that when it comes to disabling well-born Nigerians attempting to detonate their underpants, Dutch artists are proven first-responders.
Meanwhile, we must, and will, continue to strip-search 82-year-old white, Protestant grandmothers and 2-year-olds, lest we annoy the tender sensibilities of Muslim countries that practice, among other time-honored religious rituals, genital mutilation of young women, live burial of homosexuals, and stoning and beheading of adulterous women. God forbid we should upset them. We’re Americans. We’re better than that.
And now, let me say a word or two about a subject that I have not had time to address much this past year, what with arranging summits between the Cambridge, Massachusetts, police, and aggrieved Harvard professors, to say nothing of flying to and from Scandinavia to pick up gold medals—namely, the economy.
Frankly, the economy is not what it should be, which is why the state of the union is a 9.8 instead of a perfect 10.
I called in the smart folks in my administration, many of them educated at Harvard, and I put it to them directly. I said, “Is this my fault?” And to a person they said, “No, sir! No way!”
I said to them, “Well then, whose fault is it?” And they said, “It’s the bankers, Mr. President. The scum-sucking, stimulus money-accepting, bonus-awarding, self-regarding swine who inhabit the street of shame and infamy, the harlot’s den known as Wall Street.”
I said to them, “And what are we going to do about them? We can’t hang them all. We don’t have enough rope. And anyway, rope is expensive and I’m trying to cut the deficit. Ideas, people. I want ideas.”
So tonight I can announce to you, my fellow Americans, the creation of a bipartisan commission to study how to kill the bankers in an efficient and hemp-sensitive manner.
Now, it is customary on these occasions, after offering the American people bromides and yes, even downright lies about how well the nation is doing, to acknowledge American heroes sitting in the gallery.
Unfortunately, no pilots have landed planes in the Hudson River lately, so we don’t have any of them. But there are a number of Dutch artists with us tonight…
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
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Rebecca Dana is a senior correspondent for The Daily Beast. A former editor and reporter for The Wall Street Journal, she has also written for The New York Times, The New York Observer, Rolling Stone, and Slate, among other publications.
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Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
The Right Stifles Debate
Christopher Buckley's books include Supreme Courtship, The White House Mess, Thank You for Smoking, Little Green Men, and Florence of Arabia. He was chief speechwriter for Vice President George H.W. Bush, and is editor-at-large of ForbesLife magazine. His new book is Losing Mum and Pup, a memoir. Buckley's Daily Beast column is the winner of an Online Journalism Award in the category of Online Commentary.
FarLeftFist
I never thought someone could make Meghan McCain's writing look so good, that piece was a travesty of journalism. I realize the effect the author was going for but the comedy was dry and un-climactic, almost childish. It was very monotone and amateur, seemed like a typical Daily Beast comment post by a lightweight RW blogger, I seriously hope they didn't pay you for that "article". I mean, you painted it as a state of the union address-alternative, but it wound up off course and sounding like an ordinary rant. The first piece of advice I would have given you would have been to stay the course as a satire acceptance speech; keep it professional sounding, like how a SOTU address would actually be, the second would have been to tread the line of reality before going off the deep end. Daily Beast readers like wittiness and even the occasional snarkyness, this article lacked both. It came off as a satire done by a teenager who doesn't pay attention much to politics. Go big or go home.
stingrey
I completely agree! This article is a poorly written, uninformative, piece of drivel. But this author isn't really known for his substantive arguments, and the image of him displayed in the top left is indicative of how seriously he expects to be taken. The Daily Beast needs to fire this nut job. I have no issues with the point he attempts to make, if only he projected an intelect above a grade school student. You need to be a skilled writer to pull of satire. Christopher Buckley may be many things, skilled writer he is not.
cappadizzy
"if only he projected an intelect above a grade school student."
Now that's irony!
Decoragenus
Brevity is the soul of wit.
AlKoholic
"It was very monotone and amateur" ... Just like an Obama speech! Well done!
senorlechero
Precisely! I could "hear" the pauses, the "um"s, and the exagerated sylabic intonations the O uses, and the leftists love. This post is written exactly as the O speaks...like an idiot
Michaelshock
I totally agree. This Buckley character should take a few courses at his local community college. He obviously doesn't know how to write. He's a teenager and a troglodyte - and clearly can't discern the minutiae of American Politics. He's probably the son of some middle American insurance salesman that, along with his son Christopher Buckley, attended a bad college. I, for one, pity Christopher Buckley. He can't understand how politics, public service, and satire really work. KEITH OLBERMANN MR. BUCKLEY...LOOK INTO IT!
I'd bet the author grew up in a household that didn't place much value on American duties of citizenship, politics, writing, public service or Blackford Oakes novels. Of course, I went to Eastern Michigan University, so I, like you "farleftfist" can see through his bullshit article. For shame Mr. Buckley. Go back to your Jersey Shore TV Show and Crystal Meth labs. The intelligentsia and "The Daily Beast" does not need you, YOU WHITE TRASH HILLBILLY!
MacEamonn
I guess Michaelshock doesn't get out much. Mr. Buckley is the son of the late Conservative Icon, Willam F. Buckley, and he is a Yale graduate. He also endorsed "The One" for President in 2008.
Here's a link to his Bio at Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christopher_Buckley
jay-eye12
@MacEamonn, Michaelshock was clearly trying to be clever...
note the Blackford Oakes reference...
Michaelshock
F-U Jay-eye12. That had a modicum of cleverness? Mission Accomplished, bitches!
leftylosers012
Michaelshock and farleftfist just showed the world the extent of their ignorance, I think it may show that they know more about those Crystal Meth labs. than Mr. Buckley. But isn't that par for these faux intellectuals, yes indeed, you must have sore lips after putting you're foot in that uninformed mouth that just screams....I'm a puffed up windbag. lol But, oh well, as they say ignorance is bliss. PS, maybe Eastern Michigan University will refund the tuition. Naaa, you must have attended courtesy of the taxpayers. Look up Mr. Buckley's pedigree before running off at the mouth again. PLEASE, DO US ALL A FAVOR.
Michaelshock
I am lost in my own bad joke. I apologize to everyone. This is beneath you and me and I feel we should all just put it behind us.
morris1030
Dear Far Left Fist,
Your Villager water carrying critique of Buckley is expected considering your inability to assess the current situation regarding the incompetence and hypocrisy of Obama. Obamabots are true believers. In what?
Watching Obama on ABC being interviewed by Diane Sawyer was cringe making. Obama was creating Mind Farts.
I don't find Buckley childish and enjoyed his rather gentle poke at the absurdity of probably who will be the most incompetent president of my lifetime.
And I've seen a few. I voted for Obama hardly believing all the hype, but Palin was too much for me. But my remorse in having done so leaves me thinking that I've made a terrible mistake.
Twilight2000
Absolutely Brilliant! An absolutely beautiful piece of satire!
Johnnyappleseed
Tired fist just doesn't get satire.
morris1030
Tired Fist is an exhausted Obamabot. No time for humor.
crypto
I know this was meant to be comical and was to me. But there's some truth in there that he is poking fun with. Hope he doesn't lose his job. TDB doesn't appreciate any one making fun of their candidates.
rain39
I love Christopher Buckley! The rest of you bring shame on yourselves by saying out loud, in a public forum, that he can't write. He is a gifted satire writer and a very interesting human being to boot! With the eccentric and brilliant but difficult parents he had, it's a wonder he can even stand up straight.....but he does and beautifully.
Genni2002
Oiiii! The Harvard analogy was touching and well executed, but I don't really get the point about the Founding fathers? With all due respect: for the people, of the people, by the people? And the analogy to the Olympics is trite. OK, the Repubs really screwed it up, done. Finished! Kaput!
Now, it is time to move forward and I, too, am so sick of the blame game and wondering what happened to the Obama of last year. Could the aliens please stop experimenting with his brain?
Cara-C
The Founding fathers intended for us to have a limited government that protected our individual liberties, not one that forced us to buy health insurance policies from corporations in bed with the federal government.
The Obama of last year was an illusion. There was nothing in his past to indicate that he was the person he and the mainstream media portrayed him to be.
Mandalorian
Ms. Cara,
Amen.
morris1030
Ms Cara,
Amen, amen, amen.
Genni2002
Yuh! Well, lately it feels like our Gov is in bed with all big business and I really, really hate that - but do agree with the idea of people getting basic/ serious illness medical care so guess I will have to reconcile what you said...hmmmm....
mbgillil
I'm a huge fan, Mr. Buckley, however this piece was not remotely close to your normal standards. Write us more often, please sir, and if possible offer constructive criticism in the ingenious ways that you often do. Leave this sort of mess to The Onion.
menckenlite
What about us in the educated class? Why did The One forget us?
GeneTouchet
Oh, Dear. Someone needs a nap. Or at least a break from Faux News for a couple of days. Yes, it is catching.
JohnConnughton
A bit funny going in but it got less and less fun. Far from your best; C-.
Johnnyappleseed
Was this an arcticle about the writer?
I give him a B plus or 9.8 at best.
celticnan
The Hope of Audacity!
rebekah
mr. buckley you have a new fan.
if this isn't your best, as some have said, then i must find and purchase your best because having given up on HOPE i'm determined to have HUMOR.
flyoverland
They're not only turning on Obama, they're also turning on Obama apologists. This guy could use a big "I told you so".
easton
For one, he was never an Obama apologist, he simply viewed the alternative option of Palin being one old man's heartbeat away from the Presidency, way too frightening.
For even many national security minded Republicans there is much to like about is administration, with Dennis Blair as DNI, Jim Jones as NSA, Robert Gates at Defense, this is a cabinet that John McCain would have had. As to Domestic, the economy would be worse off under McCain since he had no agenda that could have passed in a Democrat controlled congress. So I suppose this is my waying of saying "I am telling you so."
morris1030
Your analogy stinks. Obama is not making it and he's a faker. He has no credibility at this point except among the Village Bots who are in a delusionary state.
Obama is a disaster and his White House is on wheels.
He stands for nothing and as Buckley pointed out he is nothing but a political hack. A ham handed political product of the Chicago Dems who happened to be a motivational speaker.
There is no agenda, no policy, no transparency, no honor, no political skill, no strategy,no credibility, no communication. And no reading the minds of those who voted for him and BTW, the rest of America.
senorlechero
"he simply viewed the alternative option of Palin being one old man's heartbeat away from the Presidency"...so he voted for Biden to be one heartbeat away......
The congnative disconnect of folks like you amazes me
flyoverland
yeah, sure, uh huh, whatever you say...
Happy hour must have started early at the Yale club today.
senorlechero
AMEN! 47% of the voters saw this guy as what he was, not as the illusion he created. The "independent" voters in the US often blow it, seldom admit it, and nearly never learn from their mistakes.
sonofloud
I think what the reader needs to remember is that this is Buckley speaking AS Obama.
I most noticed how Obama blamed everyone else and in that regard, it was accurate.
Monk66
Are you retarded?
Wait i've asked you that question before..
Obama is the first president to say "It was my fault."
Leave it to someone who watches Fox News to feel the need to tell the rest of the readers something so obvious.
You are at the top of your class sono.
But that's like being the smartest kid with down syndrome.
Looks like that extra chromosome didn't work out so well.
sonofloud
what was his fault?
morris1030
Monk66, Apparently you didn't watch Obama's terrible performance on ABC with Diane Sawyer. He blames everyone but himself. Mind farts all over the place, and in general Mr Cool was being pathetically defensive.
I do not watch Fox News. I voted [unfortunately] for Obama who so far has been a terrible president and has made backroom drug deals with BigPharma, toadied and compromised secretly from the get go, and in general has offered NO transparency as promised. He allowed The Republicans to frame and control the healthcare debate and in general on all matters has been hesitant & timid where forthright strength and daylight was required.
His failed vanity trips to Copenhagen were merely embarrassing, but the egomania, the lack of focus, along with watching the HC debacle being sold by the piece in the Senate, are all a reflection of his poor advice and his inexperience. Even women's rights were bartered in both House and Senate bill, and nothing from Mr Cool.
And the economy?
. We have the same bunch of Wall Streeters that caused this mess continuing the mess, and his mortgage program has been a total failure.
It was not thought out and intended to fail with overlengthy paper work and no formula for implementation. 4 million mortgages were promised to be renegotiated. I believe last count was about 50,000.
And, BTW where and how was the stimulus spent? What is left and where will it go? With Obama's freeze his economic problems will increase and become even more severe.
Using Down's Syndrome as a critical tool isn't worthy on any level. Put downs of this kind serve no one. And if anyone were retarded they'd need our kindness and concern. You show only contempt for those who don't agree with you.
You have a lot to learn.
Monk66
thanks rush morris for another rant as we have seen down this section of postings..
And the comment about downs syndrome was taken from a movie called Waiting.
Although I shouldn't expect many of the DB readers to know any movie lines that weren't shot in black and white.
And since we're speaking about your postings above. Have you watched what the other campaigners have been doing with their lives since the loss?
senorlechero
Talk about "retarded"! Perhaps it's because you are a Monk and don't know what's going on outside the monastery, but Obama has been on vacation most of his 1st year in office.......how could anything be his fault?
utahmink
Phew! I'm soooooo glad not a single republican has ANY responsibility for the mess that was left in November 2009.
Odysseus
Fair enough, but next time someone brings up Clinton failing to take bin Laden out of the picture though he had three separate opportunities, don't shout "August PDB! August PDB! Bin Laden determined to attack inside US!"
possumdearie
I would love to hear more about how the Democrats have had a Congressional majority since 2006, as well as the White House since 2008. Yes, we all know he is President Obama, especially when he's the guest on The Tonight Show With Jay Leno or on The Late Show With Letterman. He's certainly presidential when he's posing like a JC Penney catalog model on a billboard above a Red Lobster in Times Square. He sure loves to read from his teleprompter. But aside from date nights, parties and golf, when does he ever actually work at his real job? You know the answer to that. He's a failure. Kudos to Rush Limbaugh for calling it.
Monk66
Correction.
The Dems have had the WH since 2009. Obama was inaugurated in January of 2009.
But what would we expect from someone who cites Rush..
RightofCenter
Nancy & Harry have been in charge of the House & Senate since 2006, at which time the economy was humming along at almost 4% quarterly growth, and unemployment was lower than 4.5%. If you don't think that they deserve some "credit" for the mess that we're in, you're delusional.
micko11
Wow, this is worse than normal. So now Pres Obama is only responsible for the last couple months?? "November 2009", now that is a new low!
possumdearie
You didn't want a candidate with a record of achievement (and failure). You didn't want a man already measured. You wanted a blank slate. A blank slate you could project all your hopes and dreams upon without having to worry about reality.
You got what you wanted.
At the time of his election to the presidency, Barack Obama had no meaningful experience or accomplishments in the field of politics. You knew nothing of his character or his capacity to lead. You didn't care. He looked the part and said the right things. Your imagination did the rest. Now that Obama is faced with real life, and his lack of experience and defects of character have been exposed in the most painful manner imaginable, you find yourself professing shock...
Really? What did you expect? Seriously. What did you expect?
You didn't want the sort of politician who could draw on experience and strength of character to get things done, you wanted the sort of politician you could give yourself a big hug for supporting. It was never about Barack Obama; it was about you. And if he's fucked it all up, it is in no small part because you fucked it all up, too. You got what you wanted. You wanted Barack Obama and you got him.
That's not Barack Obama's fault.
Signed,
Dennis the Peasant
Odysseus
Agreed. Next time someone says "Hey, that guy has a radical for a preacher, cavorts with terrorists, and is involved in shady business deals," don't respond with "But he is sooooo cool."
Monk66
haha.
And Palin, one heartbeat away from the Oval Office, was a better deal. If George Washington rose from the grave and ran for office with Palin he would have lost too.
One heart beat away.
I remember when I gave myself a nickname.
sonofloud
lol well said
morris1030
Dennis,
I thank you.
jcon4140
Excellent post. My thoughts exactly, Plus, Obama drove the funny right out of Chris. Sad.
Odysseus
Buyer's remorse eh, Chris?
Thank you.
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