10 Hot Valentines

Sexy is subjective. For The Daily Beast's Jessi Klein it means funny, tall, and geeky—anything but People magazine-obvious. VIEW HER GALLERY of ten hotties.

Sexy is subjective. For The Daily Beast's Jessi Klein it means funny, tall, and geeky—anything but People magazine-obvious. View her gallery of ten hotties.

Every year, People magazine purports to show us the Sexiest Men Alive. And every year, as I wearily flip through yet another photo spread of a shirtless Matthew McConaughey (it seems he’s running away from decent scripts) or a blazer-draped Patrick Dempsey, I think to myself: I’m bored. Obviously these guys are all handsome (obvious being the operative word), but they all seem so glossy, so shellacked, like those weird fake gourds you see at the supermarket. Where are the compelling men? The funny men? The passionate men? The tall, geeky drinks of water? I’ll tell you where they are. They’re in my head. All the time. See below.

Hot Adult: Clive Owen

Clive Owen has a power over me. Maybe it’s because in a sea of androgynous Tiger Beat Hollywood boys, he is a Full Grown Man. Or maybe it’s because he is the closest a human can come to looking like a wolf. A beautiful wolf who speaks with an incredibly sexy British accent.

Hot Imaginary Boyfriend: Ryan Gosling

Like most girls who first saw Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, I am torn between wanting him to marry his on again/off again girlfriend and co-star, Rachel McAdams, and wanting him to marry me. I want him to marry Rachel because it would be insanely romanticals, but I want him to marry me because it would be AweSome. Actually…I’m not that torn. Screw her. Marry me, Ryan. Marry me forever and ever. Pick me. Love me. Choose me.

Hot Imaginary Football Coach: Kyle Chandler

I think the power of Kyle Chandler is best understood via this story: My friend L and her husband Mr. L were in a bit of a sexual dry spell. Then they rented the first season of Friday Night Lights on DVD, and suddenly it was all sex, all the time. The turn-on was mutual. As L put it, “We were both just so aroused by Kyle Chandler’s incredible manliness. Maybe technically he was more ‘inspired’ than ‘aroused’—but hell, he was also a little aroused.”

Hot Kiwis: Flight of Conchords

I am counting these two hilarious, scruffily hot guys from HBO’s Flight of The Conchords as one guy, simply because I cannot decide whom I love more. Just when I think Jemaine is the dry cute one, Bret does something even cuter and drier. Then when I decide it’s Bret, Jemaine ups and sings “Hurt Feelings” (last Sunday’s episode: genius).

Hot Older Guy: John Slattery

You know those personals that ask you to complete the sentence “blank is sexy, but blank is sexier”? Well, for my money, Jon Hamm is sexy, but John Slattery is sexier. His turn as Don Draper’s silver-haired boss Roger Sterling is funny, compelling, and just as foxy. Hamm’s been getting the lion’s share of the attention, but as my friend Kate says, “It’s hard for the moon to get attention when it’s standing next to the sun.”

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Hot Slightly Too Young Guy: Dev Patel

I was all set to write about how much I love Dev Patel. Then I went to check his age—and saw that he was born in 1990. Um…oh dear. I thought I was at least in a late '80s ballpark. I feel a little dirty for having a crush on a teenager, but it’s not my fault he looks like an adorable forest animal.

Hot Angry Guy: Rahm Emanuel

In general I don’t go for guys with tempers. But in general, guys with tempers don’t have a background in ballet, and in general they don’t run Barack Obama’s White House. Rahm is the exception to my “no jerks” rule. I have a fantasy where he yells at me for being too sexy, and then we have passionate angry sex on top of an Israeli flag.

Hot Genius: Sacha Baron Cohen

I remember the first time I saw Sacha Baron Cohen sans character outfits. He was at the Golden Globes, he was wearing a tux, and he looked like a dream I once had about the perfect man. It’s sort of like the first time you saw Brad Pitt, except I’m right and you’re wrong.

Hot Renaissance Man: Tunde Adebimpe

I’m about half a music nerd, so although I liked TV on the Radio, I had no idea what they look like. Then I saw Rachel Getting Married and got weak in the knees when Rachel’s groom, Sydney, sang an a capella version of Neil Young’s “Unknown Legend” to his bride. I ran home, googled, and discovered that Sydney is played by Tunde Adebimpe, TVOTR’s frontman. Swoon. He is the kind of guy I’m looking to meet when I drop $30 on a cab to a party in Brooklyn.

Hot Sugar Daddy: Jamie Dimon

You know what’s really hot? Not running your company into the ground like every other Wall Street douche. You know what else is hot? Looking a little bit like Simon Baker from The Mentalist.

Jessi Klein is a writer and comedian who has frequently appeared on Comedy Central, CNN, VH1, and the Today show. She also likes to think she has value as a human being aside from her numerous credits in the entertainment industry.