A Field Guide to Valentine’s Day Office Etiquette

On this day celebrating love and relationships, some helpful pointers on how to best handle workplace crushes and romances.

The Daily Beast

Workplace etiquette is tricky enough, but on Valentine’s Day it becomes a veritable riddle! Check out these tips to keep your Valentine’s Day office-appropriate.

-Women especially enjoy receiving gifts on Valentine's Day, so give chocolates to your female coworkers. If you’re unsure of a coworker’s gender, give them an apple.-Valentine’s Day can cast an oppressive pall over your single coworkers. Break the tension by tying a balloon to a single employee’s desk that says something goofy like, “Unloved Crone.”

-If overhearing your coworkers’ romantic evening plans is getting you down, use your lunch hour to refresh and recharge. Visit an animal shelter, pick out the sorriest mutt you can find, and then put it down. There’s no buzz on earth like the rush of taking a life.

-When it comes to giving flowers, remember that the color of your Valentine’s Day arrangements corresponds to different types of affection: white means platonic friendship, red signifies love, and pink is for crippling lust.

-A successful office Valentine’s Day comes down to enthusiasm and participation, so before heading into work, find somet time to experiment with the mood stabilizer cocktail that’s right for your height and weight.

-You might as well send your supervisor an email with the subject heading, “I take my position at this company for granted” if you give them a generic, store-bought Valentine. The key to impressing your boss is to make it personal. Try throwing some glitter on a recent x-ray for a whimsical, homemade card that says, “I care about you, I care about this team, and I’m concerned about this growth.”

-Valentine’s Day has its roots in the ancient pagan fertility ritual Lupercalia, so impress your coworkers by paying homage to its history! Have your office’s fertile women draw lots, determine a winner, then beat her with a goat hide and fill her with your seed.

-If you work with your significant other, just bear in mind how that can wear down a relationship. More of a general tip.

-Above all else, remember what Valentine’s Day is really about: love! And there is no purer love than that which abounds from our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. All too often, worship is kept out of the office, so lead employees in a passionate song praising His guidance and light.