Rob Gronkowski is known for inspiring cries of ecstasy throughout New England as the Patriots' essential element to a successful Super Bowl run. With 12 touchdowns during the regular 2014 season, Gronkowski became the first tight end in NFL history to score at least ten touchdowns in four separate seasons, helping the Pats nab their sixth AFC East title in a row. But the 25-year-old may elicit different types of off-field pleasures as the object of desire in A Gronking to Remember, in which he helps one lonely, sex-starved Connecticut wife liven up her end zone.
Or, the erotic novel will leave you baffled and in a state of shock, like how the Patriots feel after facing the New York Giants in the Super Bowl. Lacey Noonan's A Gronking to Remember makes 50 Shades of Grey look like Madame Bovary in terms of its literary sophistication. The clichés about football-obsessed husbands and frustrated wives are pretty heavy-handed. Early on, the sexual protagonist complains that her Molson-drinking husband is pretty much an incompetent Neanderthal. Of course, he is also a Jets fan, which is why he is so angry, pigheaded, and sexually inept, a fact that Noonan, who is a Patriots fan, hits readers over the head with quite a few times.
That said, I did appreciate the use of “butt fumble” to describe how the protagonist's husband falls against the wall when he's unable to sexually perform. As the protagonist gets herself off in front of her impotent husband, she moans “Oh, Gronky.” It's about as subtle as being tackled by J.J. Watt.
But that doesn't mean A Gronking to Remember isn’t a deliciously entertaining read. It's cheesy and ludicrous and, therefore, delightful; it's the reading equivalent of hate-watching.
“Gronkowski” itself never manages to sound more erotic than the name of a hearty Polish stew or a D-list WWE performer. “Hitchhiking up the Gronkalicious turnpike” may be the most creative euphemism for onanism that I have ever encountered, but I can't say it did much other than make me laugh. Noonan can call clips of the New England tight end running the ball “Gronkalicious pussy-stroking material” all she wants, but that doesn't mean his on-field performance will suddenly become the stuff of spank-banks—at least if you're not Bill Belichick.
With all due respect to his athletic skill, Gronkowski is not high on the list of NFL players that elicit carnal thoughts. In fact, he's not even high on the list of NFL players one jerks off too during halftime at Gillette Stadium. Tom Brady, the prettiest of pretty boys, leads the Patriots. Yeah, the “Giant man-puppy” that is Gronkowski won't hold a sexual candle to the blue-eyed dreamboat.
Thus, I was dubious of the entire premise of A Gronking to Remember before I even saw the cover of a couple sweetly embracing against the fading background of Gronkowski giving the goony smile of someone who has had plenty of concussions and tequila shots. Although the NFL party animal loves flaunting his washboard abs, he seems more fratboy than Fabio. Sure, he's been linked to porn star Bibi Jones and was even offered $3.75 million to do a single scene with her. But it's hard to make the bro-tastic Gronkowski the stuff of subtle sexual titillation, and one wonders how this novel is only book one of the “Rob Gronkowski Erotica Series.”
Once I began reading, I realized A Gronking to Remember was a masturbatory tribute to the New England Patriots. Literally. There is no sexual act in the entire 60 pages that isn't a form of self-stimulation unless you count the protagonist's orgasm via a spiked Gronkowski football inadvertently hitting her at just the right angle to be a form of intercourse. I wouldn't, but I also wouldn't be surprised if Patriots fans didn't properly comprehend the mechanics of sex, either.
Here are the steamiest bits of A Gronking to Remember in all the self-loving glory that only a true Patriots fans could get off to.
Love at First Gronkowski
“I'll never forget the first time I saw Gronk spike a football.... The unrivaled power of his touchdown dance: ‘The Gronk.’ It jettisoned jiggling ribbons of electric jelly through my body and melted my knees like two pads of margarine—turned me on quicker and made me wetter than at any other time in my life other than my wedding night.” (Page 1)
“Suddenly, all I wanted to do was watch Gronk do his thang-thang in the zone place there. My vagina demanded it.” (5)
Gronkowski Spikes the Ball Through Leigh's Goalposts
“Gronk lifts the football in his hand and spikes it with such violence the ball launches 50 feet in the air...Silky ribbons of juice pleasure wobble through my nethers. My nipples harden beneath my sweater...My fingers take a detour to the front of my pants. I back up against the door of my kitchen and sink my hands all the way down the front of my panties into my hot pussy and begin furiously rubbing my clit.” (7-9)
“I picture being mauled by a huge monolith of a man. My body used for his hard pleasure; a stone god gripping me in his hands. He hoists me in the air. My clothes are ripped from my body, my quivering flesh open and available, my body ready to be used by the strong force of the universe, a ravaging, rampaging man. He brushes aside his loincloth. And then…out comes his stone pillar of a cock.” (9-10)
Leigh’s Dumb Husband Dan is a Jets Fan “'This is a Jets house and this has always been a Jets house!' Dan shouted, angry. Why the hell was he so angry?” (16)
“Dan...squeezes my hand and looks me deep in the eyes. 'I’ve just been so lost lately. I don’t know. I don’t know if it’s actually just because I’m a Jets fan or my head’s all muzzy from watching so much football on TV.'” (52)
So, She Escapes to the Library For Some Gronkalicious Web Time
“I would sneak away to a dark corner of the library and fire up a computer. I’d google info on Gronkowski, check his stats, read his bio, watch some videos, then rub one out right then and there in the library—let jiggly ribbons of lady-sensuality cavort on my body, strangle me, swallow me whole and annihilate me in its pink and roiling.” (24)
Nothing Like Gronking Under a Quilt in Front of Your Husband’s Football Buddies
“I realize the quilt was a bad idea. Because I’m naughty now; that’s the problem... Gronk’s hands are on the ball and my hands are on my throbbing pussy...I begin to masturbate secretly right there in the den surrounded by my husband and his friends. What can I say? The sight of Gronk knocking over little defenders like toy soldiers sends erotic thrills up and down my spine.” (31)
She Begs Dan for Sex, But He Butt Fumbles
“Dan jumps out of the way even though he’s drunk as shit and he falls off the side of the bed. He butt fumbles back against the wall and I land on the ground in front of him.” (39)
Then She Trash Talks Him
“'Oh yeah, watch me. Watch me play with myself. Fumbleroooohski…'” (39)
“'Look at me, ungh, splitting my own seam, oohh… going deep. You like how I work my slot receiver, like a tight end. Like Gronkowski…'” (40)
Leigh Gets Her Hot End Zone Celebration
“Just as the ball comes flying out of Gronk’s hand... In front of the entire country, Gronk’s spike impacts right between my butt-cheeks. I don’t know how to explain exactly to you what happened to me since it was so otherworldly. There really is no accounting for it. But I can tell you that it felt amazing. Gronkowski’s ball unleashes a rainbow of sensation throughout my body. Pleasure shoots magically in every direction like an explosion of sparks. It jettisons jiggling ribbons of joy to every part of my body. It feels as though I am being fucked by a stampeding horde of marauders.” (55)