Alec Baldwin’s Trump Orders Steve Bannon to ‘Fight Globalist Cucks Like Jared’

There was only one way for Weekend Update: Summer Edition to top Tina Fey’s unexpectedly controversial appearance on last week’s episode for the third and final show Thursday night. And it was with the president of Saturday Night Live himself: Alec Baldwin.

The show didn’t even bother opening with Weekend Update anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che this time, going straight to a cold open from the Phoenix Convention Center where Baldwin’s Donald Trump was holding his big rally.

“How about that eclipse, folks?” he began, with dark glasses on his face. “A lot of people don’t know this but you can damage your eyes by looking into the eclipse. No one predicted this, they wouldn’t have. I figured it out all by myself. Let me take these glasses off and see what you people look like. Wow, everyone’s so white, so white here. It’s fantastic.

“As we all know, there was a tragic victim that came out of Charlottesville, me,” Trump added. “Folks, the media has treated me so unfairly by reporting my entire remarks, even the bad ones.”

The president went on to promise a pardon for Sheriff Joe Arpaio and hit the “dishonest media” for refusing to tout his many accomplishments. “I’ve done so much. First off, last night I solved Afghanistan. I sat down with our military, we looked at the map and I asked the hard questions, like which one is Afghanistan? And is that blue thing an ocean?”

And on the border wall, Trump no longer said Mexico would pay for it, instead pinning it on the American taxpayer. “If I have to shut down the government to get it built, I will,” he said. “Congress will close. No IRS, military will stay home, there will be no FBI, Latin gangs like MS-13 will roam free chopping up people because we want this wall, right?”

SNL’s Trump also gave Steve Bannon a “proper goodbye,” saying, “Steve is going onto Breitbart where he’ll be fighting the good fight against globalist cucks like my son-in-law Jared.”

“You’ve only made me more powerful,” Bannon said in response. “I’m going to crush you.”