Bill Maher firmly believes that Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX) is a better choice for president than Donald Trump.
On Friday’s edition of his HBO program Real Time with Bill Maher, the political satirist ended his “New Rules” by breaking down the Republicans’ version of Sophie’s Choice: Cruz or Trump. He then compared the two candidates against one another with a series of digs, branding Trump “like Ebola, he’ll violently kill you right away,” whereas Cruz “is more like the Zika virus: we won’t see the damage until future generations.” And, in a below-the-belt blow, Maher quipped, “Ted Cruz has a daughter who doesn’t want him to touch her, whereas Donald Trump’s daughter is fine with it (he said it, by the way).”
The biggest difference between the two men, said Maher, is that Trump “is the most thin-skinned person in human history, and reacts to the smallest slight with the hair-trigger wounded ego of a male flight attendant, whereas Ted Cruz is immune to insults because he’s learned to live in a world where everyone—everywhere—has always hated him.”
So, while acknowledging that Republicans are “stuck between a rock and a gross place,” Maher announced: “We have to accept that being a grown-up means hard choices between disgusting options. You have to decide—we all have to decide—so, let me just say, in the choice between Trump and Cruz, I foresquarely choose: Ted Cruz.”Then, he took a big swig out of a jug marked “Bleach.”“Here’s the deal breaker with Donald Trump: he’s a lunatic,” Maher continued. “If a non-rich or non-white person said the things he says, they wouldn’t put him in the White House—they’d put him in Bellevue. We can’t make a crazy person commander-in-chief, there are actual job requirements. It’s not like Mardi Gras parade king.”“Do I think President Trump would actually disappear people? No, but I can’t rule it out,” he went on. “With him, I can’t rule anything out. What does he do on day one? Send Megyn Kelly to Guantanamo Bay? Or me? He’s already sued me! The president signs off on a kill list every day and sends out the drones, and I like going outside. So, yes, Ted Cruz will be our worst president, but Donald Trump might well be our last. Which is why I say: Better Ted Than Dead.”
Maher then put on a red baseball cap with “Better Ted Than Dead” plastered on it in the style of Trump’s “Make America Great Again” hats—and his HBO comrade John Oliver’s “Make Donald Drumpf Again” ones.
Back in mid-January, in an interview with The Daily Beast, Maher was singing a different tune. “Ted Cruz is scarier than Donald Trump,” he said. “Because I think Donald Trump, despite some of the crazy things he says and some of the disgusting things he says, he also says some things that a liberal can love.” He went on to brand Cruz “high intelligence in the service of evil” who’s been “on the wrong side of every issue.” Well, this was before Trump took public pressure to denounce ex-KKK leader David Duke’s endorsement, defended the size of his penis during a nationally televised presidential debate, fomented racism and violence—in particular at his rallies, which have transformed into White Lives Matter gatherings, and his never-ending string of misogynistic behavior, from his bizarre preoccupation with Megyn Kelly to his recent smear against Heidi Cruz. “The very mature Republican campaign that we’ve been watching has moved on from the debate of a few weeks ago where they were trading barbs about who had a tinier cock to whose wife is more fuckable,” said Maher.
The comedian then weighed in on the National Enquirer’s recent, very dubious claim that Cruz has carried on at least five extramarital affairs.
“The National Enquirer says they have the goods that five women had extramarital affairs with Ted Cruz. Yes, ladies: sex with Ted Cruz,” joked Maher. “That’s where you close your eyes and imagine you’re fucking Newt Gingrich. I mean, really, even Bill Cosby’s pharmacist says, ‘I don’t think I’ve got anything strong enough for that.’“Now, I personally don’t believe any of this is true,” he added. “I think I know who Ted Cruz is. I’m not saying he doesn’t enjoy screwing women, he just does it by defunding Planned Parenthood.”