August: the thirstiest month of the year. The summer is almost over, the temperature keeps rising, and swimmer abs have us feeling some type of way. The internet has decided to quench this thirst with a sea of celebrity D, making it one of the sexiest (and most morally repugnant?) summers in social media history. In case you missed it, Twitter has basically devolved into Harambe memes and reaction GIFs to Orlando Bloom’s peen.
In the entertainment world, dicks have always been behind-the-scenes heavyweights—casting 18-year-old Victoria’s Secret models in blockbuster films, writing magazine profiles of female celebrities, and generally reproducing the patriarchy. But while famous penises have historically remained reclusive, this summer marks a rare instance of male genitalia taking center stage.
We’ve been breaking phallic news from the frontlines all summer long aka looking at Twitter with our eyes. Weiner Watch 2k16 began when Orlando Bloom decided to take his dick—and Katy Perry—out for a paddleboard ride. The vacationing trio was snapped by the paparazzi, to the delight, fascination, and/or mild disappointment of anyone with an internet connection. Next came a truly below the belt attack from Justin Bieber, Bloom’s nemesis, who immediately conspired to get his genitalia plastered all over the worldwide web. As Bloom and Bieber squabbled over their relative dick size and Katy Perry struggled to “Rise” above the red flags of her boyfriend’s naturism, 50 Cent’s penis entered the fray—well, just the tip. The rapper served up some full-frontal nudity and fake beef, pretending to feud with the producers of Power over his dick’s on-screen debut.
That brings us to our fourth installment of celebrity D. This story has it all: Adrian Grenier, former Bachelor contestants, Andy Cohen, a bush, and climate change. It all began way back in 2014, with season 16 Bachelor “winner” Courtney Robertson’s tell-all book. Robertson’s manifesto is titled I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, which already makes it the best memoir I’ve never read. And the book gets even better, spilling the tea on the seedy underbelly of The Bachelor machine. Robertson famously came across as a very mean girl throughout her stint on ABC. But why be nice when you can get laid? In her book, Robertson confesses that she and bachelor Ben Flajnik slept together three times in the Fantasy Suite. She also confirms that she broke Bachelor rules by having sex with Flajnik in the ocean prior to the Fantasy Suite, “but it was only for about 20 seconds and, um, it was just the tip.”
But according to Courtney, actor Adrian Grenier’s prodigious junk blew the tip of Ben Flajnik’s penis right out of the water. After bonding over “mutual loneliness in L.A.,” Robertson writes that she and the star went on a date. In a chapter titled “Catwalking & Starfucking”—this is such a good book—she confesses that Grenier “had the biggest penis I’d ever seen—and the biggest bush!” In light of this new, crucial piece of information, the concept of Entourage actually starts to make sense.
Since HBO’s ode to Hollywood homoeroticism folded in 2011, Grenier has kept a fairly low profile. Perhaps in penance for the Entourage movie, he’s worked on a number of crucial campaigns, from saving the oceans to combatting climate change. While Grenier has been known to take the occasional sponsored selfie with a piece of produce, he’s kept his own aubergine out of the spotlight. All that changed on Wednesday, when Grenier appeared on Watch What Happens Live. If Adrian Grenier thought that Andy Cohen was going to let him waste his last remaining years of celebrity influence promoting important environmental causes, he had another thing coming.
Luckily, the man who inspired millions of boys to move to L.A., grow their hair out, and pursue unemployment didn’t disappoint. Grenier, who is a 40-year-old adult, boasted that he was “just glad she got the size right.” When Cohen corroborated that Robertson “said you had the biggest dick she’s ever seen,” Grenier replied, “And she’s seen a couple of them huh.” Between the casual misogyny and the phallocentrism, it was like the Entourage sequel we never asked for. The actor continued, “I mean, you’re always on the edge of your seat waiting for something bad to be revealed about you… And then every once and a while it’s not so bad.”
Thank you, Adrian Grenier, for confirming the size of your penis. Surrounded by uncertainty—Does Justin Bieber have one girlfriend, or two girlfriends who I can’t tell apart? Will Kim Kardashian lose the baby weight? Does anyone care?—it’s nice to know, without a doubt, how big a celebrity’s dick is. Adrian Grenier’s penis: the still point of a turning world.