SCALDING HOT TEA

Future and Blac Chyna’s Viral Fauxmance

The strange case of Blac Chyna, who got her alleged dream man Future’s name tattooed on her hand—only to have him break up with her over social media. Love and hip-hop, y’all.

In light of recent events, Blac Chyna is surging ahead of BFF Amber Rose in the “rapper’s girlfriend you’d most like to share a bottle of Nicki Minaj brand Myx Moscato with” Lamborghini drag race.

Sure, Amber Rose’s sex positive brand of feminism and noted talent for turning trigger fingers into Twitter fingers makes her an undeniable frontrunner. But with a new rumored beau and a tattoo trainwreck scandal of Tidal proportions, Chyna is now on our radar as more than just the only woman in the world who can effectively pull off a cutout Monokini. We speak, of course, of Tuesday’s Twitter revelation that rapper Future is “Single & focusing on what makes me happy.”

That sense of awkwardness you’re feeling right now is Chyna’s palpable, unfathomably powerful side-eye…because Chyna got “Future” tattooed on her hand just 48 hours before Future went on social media to declare himself a free man.

This whole drama is like an episode of 24, except it’s double the length, because the stakes are just that much higher. So let’s take a second to backpedal from the scene of the crime, aka Future’s Twitter account.

The rapper and model were first linked back on Oct. 2, when they were “caught in a PDA situation.” In the rap world equivalent of a shotgun wedding, Future and Chyna were quickly paired off in the magical world of tabloid gossip.

But before the buzzworthy duo could get engaged, launch a line of high-end hip-hop dog couture, and throw a wedding that Beyoncé and Jay Z would have to fabricate a really good excuse to get out of, Chyna had to tat his name on her, so you know it’s real. Unfortunately, it totally wasn’t real. Not only is Future single and ready to mingle…he also added in a subsequent tweet that “U kno I dnt fuck wit no rumors,” leaving Chyna in the uncomfortable position of being the last person in the world to know that she’s not dating Future, in addition to being the last person in the world to discover the wonder of temporary tattoos.

But for anyone who truly knows Chyna and/or has taken a rudimentary glance at her Instagram page, this foray into the fabulous world of ill-informed body modifications is just the latest installment in a series of questionable decisions pulled off to fabulous results.

Chyna started her career as an urban model and hip-hop video girl in September 2010 and was promptly name-dropped in a Drake single—which is already grounds for early retirement. But the indefatigable Chyna refused to rest on her laurels and was named the Model of the Year at the 2011 Urban Model Awards. Like any aspiring multi-hyphenate, Chyna knew she would have to add another talent to her repertoire. But Chyna doesn’t trifle with uninspired models-turned-singers or models-turned-actresses. Instead, she enrolled in professional makeup artistry school and launched her own brand of adhesive eyelashes called “LASHED by Blac Chyna,” then opened a Lashed Bar in California. When not living the American dream as a full-time business owner and part-time Nicki Minaj stunt double, Chyna was embarking upon the romance of a lifetime with “Rack City” auteur Tyga. The two met in 2011; in 2012, their son, King Cairo Stevenson, entered the world. One Calabasas mansion and one broken engagement later, the couple split up, and Tyga confirmed his relationship with the then-underage Kylie Jenner.

Jenner and Chyna quickly embarked upon a feud of epic proportions, spanning months, Ferraris, and multiple forms of social media.

Jenner started baiting Tyga’s baby mama on Instagram, posting pics of herself wearing the same watch Tyga bought Chyna when they were still together. Not one for subtlety of shade, Chyna posted personal texts from Tyga in which he begged her to come back, promising, “I want to be with you.” Third parties quickly got involved, with Chyna’s mom calling the rapper a “pervert” for dating a 17-year-old, and Amber Rose adding that “he should be ashamed of himself…He has a beautiful woman and a baby and left that for a 16-year-old who just turned 17.”

The beef climaxed over Jenner’s 18th birthday, when Tyga gifted the KUWTK star with a $260K Ferrari. Chyna quickly commented that the whip was a “common car” and implied the allegedly cash-poor rapper had leased the extravagant present. Tyga subsequently lashed out with a subtweet, “When the hating don’t work they start telling lies. #WhereYoFerrariTho?”

Ferrari or no Ferrari, Chyna has never run from controversy. Whether she’s re-creating Jenner’s Instagram outfits piece by piece, or tattooing Future’s name on her body after only one month of hypothetical dating, or pasting some adhesive eyelashes on a lucky customer/unsuspecting victim, Chyna is more interesting than a Kardashian any day. As for Future, aka Ciara’s baby daddy, calling out your girlfriend on Twitter instead of just sliding into her DMs isn’t a good look—even if she isn’t actually your girlfriend.