In the book of Genesis, Eve is the first to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Her hapless husband, Adam, has no choice but to obey the whims of his wife; once they’ve both tasted of the forbidden fruit, both realize they’re naked, and God, his divine feelings extremely hurt, casts them out of Paradise. This marks the beginning of one of humanity’s oldest traditions: men’s dicks getting them in huge, stupid trouble.
A lot has happened between the commission of original sin and the year 2016—pyramids, cars, Dippin’ Dots—and America, the country people who know nothing about Ancient Rome would declare the greatest civilization in the history of mankind, is finally poised to elect its first female president. At least, it would be if not for man’s indomitable desire to take his dick out and wave it around at women.
While Hillary Clinton has done plenty on her own to endanger her chances at winning the presidency, in the waning weeks of the 2016 campaign, her personal shortcomings aren’t dominating public discourse. Instead, men who don’t know how to properly manage their sexual whims are dominating public discourse.
Donald Trump’s sexual habits have monopolized the front page and the national imagination after video surfaced wherein he bragged to Billy Bush about grabbing women “by the pussy.” Women began coming forward to corroborate Trump’s claim that his undersized hands have an oversized inclination to grope, and Trump fired back by bringing up the alleged sexual impropriety of Hillary’s husband, Bill. During the fallout from Pussygate, Trump-sympathetic website Breitbart even ran an interview with a woman who alleges she was sexually assaulted by Bill Clinton in 1980. It was among the first times that Breitbart’s knee-jerk reaction to a story of sexual assault wasn’t cruel incredulity. Trump is rubber, you see, and Bill is glue, and everything that Trump did bounces off Trump and sticks on Bill. Belief for me, and not for thee.
It seemed Hillary Clinton had fought her way through all that, through her husband’s philandering and its decades-later fallout. It seemed as though she’d played through all of the circles of hell and won. There was more in store for her. If you thought the pussy phase of this gutter election was arduous, buckle up. The dick phase is just beginning.
Today, FBI director James Comey announced in a letter to the House Judiciary Committee that new emails pertinent to the Hillary Clinton email investigation had surfaced that warranted additional scrutiny by the FBI. The FBI discovered those emails during the course of their investigation into Anthony Weiner (estranged husband of top Hillary Clinton advisor Huma Abedin), who earlier this year was busted exchanging sexually charged messages with a 15-year-old girl over various social media apps. The current investigation is looking into whether or not the former New York City congressman-cum-mayoral candidate-cum-tragic documentary star actually endangered a child in the pursuit of what seems a uniquely technologically-enabled sexual kink.
Anthony Weiner’s sexting scandals have kneecapped his own professional trajectory; so much so that they even have their own Wikipedia page. In 2011, he dicked his way out of a promising congressional career, resigning after an errant Twitter direct message turned out to lead to an active side career as a virtual cheater. In 2013, he torpedoed a real shot at winning the New York City mayoral race after it turns out that he was still at it. He was still at it in 2015, at one point sending a photo of his downstairs bulge while his small child napped in bed beside him. But the feds got involved earlier this year, when texts surfaced indicating he’d been sexting a 15-year-old girl.
And now here we are. Weiner’s role in complicating the final days of Clinton’s campaign feels particularly unfair. While one could feasibly make the argument that her interactions with Bill Clinton’s accusers make their cases germane to the 2016 election, Hillary Clinton never had the same interaction with Weiner’s victims, or Weiner’s life. She never directly employed Anthony Weiner; she employed his wife.
The FBI isn’t technically “reopening” the Clinton email probe, nor are any of the emails unearthed while looking into Weiner from Clinton, or even hidden from investigators by Clinton. But Team Trump has their talking point now, that Hillary Clinton’s email saga is ongoing and untenable, and it’s all thanks to Anthony Weiner’s inability to resist temptation or stay away from technology. This is the third round of Weiner sexting allegations, and the fourth time his wagging junk has humiliated him, his family, and those associated with his family. We’ll likely never know what sort of fruit got Adam and Eve cast from the garden, but we know today’s male sinners are partial to Apple. And Blackberry.
Anthony Weiner’s inability to resist the temptation to snap photos of his junk has made its way from the halls of Congress to Gracie Mansion. And now, like a snake through tree branches, Weiner is rearing its head in the White House.
This should be a historic moment for women in America. This should be a sprint to the finish for two qualified and viable candidates for the highest office in the most powerful country in the world.
But, with a scant 11 days to go, even a campaign that’s half-woman has turned into another dick-measuring contest.
We’ve come a not-very-long way, baby.