IN-VIDIOUS

Why Jensen Huang Might Just Have Screwed You Too

The sex-mad tech CEO’s antics are extraordinary—and wholly unsurprising.

Opinion

Men and their d–ks, amirite?

You would think after a couple million years of evolution, human males would have developed to the point that their brains would drive their behavior more than the dangly thing between their legs.

But no.

Every day we see countless examples of lives ruined, stupidity unbound, conflict triggered, and general mayhem unleashed because men give their penises reign over every aspect of their lives. It’s likely that in your own life you see examples of this sad reality…or are an example of this sad reality.

Every once in a while, however, the consequences are hugely disproportionate to the size of the organs involved. (Come to think of it, aren’t they always?) The entire sad and repugnant life of Donald Trump is one such example. He may think he’s a king. But he’s ruled by what Stormy Daniels described as his little toadstool and so, sadly, at least until recently, were we.

And now comes one of the most costly out-of-control schlongs of our time, the one belonging to Jensen Huang…one that has sent shock waves throughout the world, admittedly with the help of and magnified by the aforementioned Trump schween and the incredibly tiny little guys of many of those in Trump’s orbit.

As a consequence of this combination, Huang has achieved the impossible: Although he slept with only three women (that we know of) outside of his marriage, he has managed to f–k millions.

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How? Let me count the ways.

First, of course, is the damage he has done to his family. Then, we have the damage he has done to Nvidia’s shareholders, who have endured seeing literally hundreds of billions of dollars of the company’s market cap wiped away because of the scandal. By extension, we have the damage done to Nvidia’s employees. Their company has been thrown into chaos. This is due in part to the failure of Huang and the company’s board to have a reasonable succession plan in place (or to deal with this issue when it first began to emerge, which may be as long as a year ago).

There are industry-wide ramifications too. Huang oversaw a complex network of cross-company investments that helped prop up and grow the AI sector. Without him, and with the company in turmoil, the shockwaves will hit the entire sector.

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Valuations in the AI sector have been under a cloud for a long time. (They’re sky-high, some roughly at the level tech stocks were before the dot-com bubble burst a quarter century ago.) One big company, Anthropic, has an IPO looming. A jittery marketplace caused by the downfall of one of its most important players won’t help matters.

In Washington, les affaires Jensen are causing shockwaves too. One of those with whom he allegedly had a relationship, Alice Huang, an executive at a Singapore-based tech firm, is allegedly a Chinese agent. There is controversy over when senior Trump administration officials knew this and what they did about it. Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent went on television to say he wanted to put her company on a watch list but claimed that Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick resisted. In other words, he threw Lutnick, with whom he has a fractious relationship, under the bus.

Donald Trump allegedly knew of the relationship and decided it was no big deal. Jensen Huang remained in regular touch with Trump, traveled on Air Force One, and the sale of sensitive Nvidia chips to China went on unaffected by the possible spy scandal.

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Congressional investigators from both parties are now promising to investigate. One thing they will look at is the perennial question, “what did the President know and when did he know it?” The same question will be asked regarding other members of his team, like Lutnick. How much will be allowed to come to light is another question, as Trump is likely to classify key elements. In a seemingly defensive move, Attorney General Todd Blanche on Friday began to downplay the idea that Alice Huang was a spy or that intelligence agencies were concerned by the fact.

It is reported that Trump unloaded Nvidia stock prior to this story breaking—per Reuters, he sold “as much as $1 million” back in August—and that other politicians may have sold their Nvidia holdings, too. It is also reported that Lutnick’s sons had a big stake in Nvidia. The scandal will have wide repercussions and remain in the news for a long time.

But it doesn’t stop there. The scandal is likely to generate new scrutiny about what U.S. tech companies are doing to protect their secrets. New stricter rules may be passed. Almost certainly, it will lead to more export controls on U.S. AI tech to countries like China. And coming on the wake of an election in which AI skepticism and fears about too much power in the hands of tech billionaires were central issues, leading to big Democratic victories, this may mark the end of the cozy regulatory free ride the Trump administration was giving the tech sector and mark the beginning of a new era of oversight and tougher regulations.

Trump is supposed to see Xi Jinping twice in the next few weeks. While he may not want to upset the relationship, the pressure on him to do something in the wake of this will be high. Chinese officials are very concerned this will mark the beginning of a new period of tension in the relationship, one that could last a long time and deepen with Democratic control of both houses of Congress and perhaps, after 2028, of the White House.

That will be bad for global stability, investment flows, growth and markets.

All because big Jensen could not keep his little Jensen in his pants.

It would be shocking if it were not the story of much of the history of the world.

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David RothkopfChief Global Affairs Columnist

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