“Yet another day of March madness for the president,” Jimmy Kimmel announced.
The late-night host, who mocked Melania Trump’s hypocritical cyberbullying summit the previous evening, dedicated a big chunk of his Thursday night monologue to yet another chaotic day under President Donald Trump.
“According to the ‘failing’ New York Times, special prosecutor Robert Mueller has subpoenaed the Trump Organization, the president’s company, demanding that they hand over any documents related to business they may have done with Russia,” explained Kimmel.
Yes, on Thursday the Times broke the news that Mueller had subpoenaed the Trump Organization, requesting that it turn over documents—including “some related to Russia.” Both press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders and a lawyer for the Trump Organization claimed that the president intends to comply with the request, though Trump had previously stated that Mueller looking into his company’s finances would be a “red line” that shouldn’t be crossed.
Kimmel noted how Trump himself has remained extraordinarily silent about the Trump Organization subpoena.
“Donald Trump, surprisingly, hasn’t tweeted about the subpoena yet—probably because he doesn’t know how to spell the word ‘subpoena’—but there are rumors that he may try to fire Robert Mueller, the guy who’s investigating him,” said Kimmel. “That would have to be it, right? At that point, we just have to wait until he goes to Mar-a-Lago and lock him in it forever, right?”
He continued: “Trump said Mueller looking into his personal finances was a red line that he wouldn’t allow to be crossed, and now it’s presumably being crossed. Why do I feel like this ends with Melania in a trench coat handing Robert Mueller a package of files in an underground parking lot somewhere?”
The comedian then transitioned to the latest updates in porn star Stormy Daniels’ lawsuit against President Trump. In case you missed it, Kimmel had previously gone over all the cringe-worthy details of the suit, including the possible existence of “certain still images and/or text messages which were authored by or relate to [Trump].”
Daniels has since started an online fundraiser to raise money for her legal battle with the president. “So now you can give money to a porn star, just like the president of the United States,” cracked Kimmel.
“In 24 hours, she raised more than $135,000,” he added. “I never thought giving money to a porn star would be considered an act of patriotism, but then again I never thought a guy who got into a Twitter war with Cher would become president. And remember, every dollar you donate potentially brings us one step closer to seeing photos that will haunt our dreams forever.”
He then threw to a clip of Daniels’ attorney on MSNBC who, when asked whether there is a “sex tape” of Daniels and Trump, replied “maybe.”
Kimmel couldn’t contain his laughter—or curiosity: “I’ve never wanted to see or not see anything more than I either do or do not want to see Donald Trump butt naked and pumping away. I mean, really. You would watch that, right? Of course! It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”