RIP

John Oliver Feels Sorry for Jeb Bush: ‘The Side of Plain White Rice Nobody Ordered’

The host of HBO’s ‘Last Week Tonight’ poured one out for Jeb! and it was a doozy.

Last Week Tonight is back, and just in the nick of time, for we have now entered the Eighth Circle—fraud—of Hell that is the 2016 GOP presidential race.

On Sunday night’s edition, host John Oliver first mocked the absurdity of the recent feud between frontrunner Donald Trump and Pope Francis, who said of the elaborately coiffed xenophobe: “A person who thinks only about building walls, wherever they may be, and not of building bridges, is not Christian.”“This week saw a battle between an infallible force and an illogical object,” said Oliver, who failed to point out the hypocrisy of Mr. Vatican Wall decrying walls. “And it was amazing. The most inclusive pope in recent history questioned Trump’s faith, which I guess means the pope feels that Donald Trump is #NotMyChristian. And yet Trump still won!”

But Trump the Troglodyte’s huge win in the South Carolina primary was not the most talked-about story from Stephen Colbert’s neck of the woods.

“Perhaps the even bigger news is what South Carolina did to Jeb Bush: the side of plain white rice that nobody ordered,” joked Oliver. “Jeb Bush dropped out last night after finishing fourth despite really pulling out all the stops in South Carolina this week.”

Oliver then threw to a CNN clip of Jeb! bringing out his mother, Barbara Bush, on the campaign trail, with the alleged news channel posing the silly question, “Is she the closer?”

“No! No. She could not be the closer. You bring on the closer when you have a lead,” said Oliver. “When your campaign is where Jeb Bush’s was, you don’t need a closer—you need a fucking coroner. And look, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I kind of feel bad for Jeb Bush, because not only did he bring his mom along to help him campaign, just wait until you hear what she said about him.”

Cut to Barbara Bush delivering a truly cringeworthy “compliment” to her bespectacled kid, the second son of ex-POTUS George H.W. Bush and brother of Dubya: “What’s left for me to say is that Jeb has been a great son, great father, great husband, married well… and is one of my four favorite sons.”

“One of my four favorite sons.” Ouch.“Oh, no! No. I know she’s joking, but that is literally what you say about your fourth favorite son,” Oliver remaked. “She actually went on to call him ‘steady,’ ‘honest,’ ‘modest,’ and ‘kind,’ and his campaign was over right then and there, because you know you’ve lost when your own mother is selling you to America like an unappealing blind date: He’s steady, he’s honest, he has a pet mouse, honestly, he hasn’t been with a woman in a long time and he really needs this.”

Please clap for Jeb! We hardly knew ye.

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Marlow Stern

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