The mogul, spon-con pioneer, waist trainee, app millionaire, reality TV star, contour queen, wife and mother otherwise known as Kim Kardashian is back, bitches. On a Thursday Ellen appearance—her first interview since she was robbed at gunpoint in Paris last year—Kardashian showed off her new, decidedly toned-down demeanor. In a simple black mini-dress and sleek bob, Kim was altogether monastic (at least, for a Kardashian). When asked about her traumatic ordeal, she responds, “I know this sounds crazy, but I know that was meant to happen to me. I don't want to start crying, but I feel like that was so meant to happen to me.” She continues, wiping away tears, “I’m such a different person…I really feel like things happen in your life to teach you things. It was probably no secret, and you see it on the show—I was being flashy and I was definitely materialistic before.”
After Kardashian’s robbery, internet idiots had a predictable reaction to seeing a powerful and wealthy woman brought low; specifically, they chastised Kardashian for flaunting her wealth, and implied that she got what she deserved. While Kim seems to have bought that self-blaming bullshit to a certain extent, she still contains traces of the proudly extravagant Kim K we know and love. “Everyone gets so excited when they get things. Or, of course when you get engaged, you're going to show off your ring. If you get a new car—I don't care what kind it is—you get so proud and you get so happy and you show that off on social media. But it's just...it's not worth it. Like, I don't care about that stuff,” she explains. “I don't care to show off the way that I used to. Even though there's nothing wrong, truly—it's OK if you're proud of that and you work so hard and you get something—it's just not who I am anymore.” Through her light tears (no foundation was harmed in the making of this segment), Kardashian adds, “I’m so happy that my kids get this me and that this is who I'm raising my kids [as]. 'Cause I just don't care about that stuff anymore. I really don't.”
At Ellen’s behest, Kardashian walks the audience through her experience of the heist, which has already been mined for an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians. While in retrospect she acknowledges that the seven or eight-minute-long hold-up “could have been way worse,” at the time, she was “one hundred percent” sure that she was about to die. “I knew that was it for me,” she insists. “I said a prayer, like, I know I'm going to heaven. I hope my kids are OK, and my husband.” Meanwhile, Ellen acts mock-offended that the Parisian robbers, who demanded that the hotel concierge bring them to “the rapper’s wife,” didn’t know Kim freaking Kardashian.
Kardashian confusingly continues to claim culpability, saying, “I should have had a security guard outside my door 24/7 when I’m traveling, and I didn’t.” Now, of course, she has several, “just for me to be able to sleep at night.” Still, knowing what she knows now, it’s clear that Kardashian couldn’t have prepared for or warded off the well-planned attack. “They had been following me for two years,” she confesses, combing through interviews and “getting excited about this jewelry or this jewelry.”
While Kardashian claims that she may never feel comfortable wearing “real” jewelry again, a distinct lack of bling is a small price to pay for her safety and sanity. “I'm out, I'm home, I'm safe, I'm such a better person—it's OK,” she concludes. “Let’s move on."
Speaking of moving on—or not—Kardashian had some very carefully-chosen words for Caitlyn Jenner, her mother’s ex. The I Am Cait star is currently promoting her upcoming book, The Secrets of My Life, which contains some less-than-flattering tidbits about Kris Jenner. On a recent episode of KUWTK, Jenner complains that she’s portrayed as a “bitch” in the memoir, and takes issue with Caitlyn’s claims that she told Kris about her gender dysphoria at the beginning of their relationship.
Asked for her thoughts on the upcoming memoir, Kim responds, “My heart breaks for my mom, you know, because I feel like she’s been through so much and [Jenner is] promoting this book and she’s saying all these things…I don’t think it’s necessary and I just feel like it’s unfair, things aren’t truthful.” Ellen presses, asking if Kardashian is insinuating that Caitlyn is “not being honest.” “No,” she replies, “Not with certain things about my mom, or other things! I feel like it’s taken her a really long time to be honest with herself, so I don’t expect her to be honest about my mom now. It’s just so hurtful. I wish her all the success in the world, but not at our expense.”
There’s definitely a rift between Caitlyn and the Kardashians—in fact, as Kim points out, Jenner doesn’t even like to say “that word.” Still, Kardashian says that, “I’ll always love her,” adding, “That was my stepdad for so many years. She taught me about character and so much growing up, and I just feel like I don't respect the character that she's showing now…you know, it’s still Kendall and Kylie's dad, so I want to be respectful, but I just feel like there's no need for a book. You know, tell your story—but just don't bash other people.” Kardashian, who’s always known how to deliver a takedown, pauses for effect: “I just think, like, it's not tasteful.” It’s an expertly constructed burn, considering Jenner’s tendency to call the Kardashians’ own taste level into question. Poor Ellen is out of her league.