Like many millennials, I grew up with Lindsay Lohan.
In The Parent Trap, she taught us how to pull off a successful twin switch; in Freaky Friday, a successful mom swap. Through Mean Girls, she showed a world of teenagers struggling through girl world that they were not alone—and that if a popular girl ever complimented you on your skirt, that definitely meant she was talking a whole load of smack about it behind your back (this is a very true fact). With Herbie: Fully Loaded, LiLo encouraged us all to embrace failure; not every semi-animated comedy about a talking a car can be a runaway success. Unfortunately, like most of the people we grew up with, Lindsay Lohan has gone batshit insane. Lohan is everyone’s least favorite childhood friend: we cringe every time we hear about her latest antics, but just can’t seem to find the strength to hide her from our collective Facebook timeline.
The slow burn of La Lohan’s televised career car crash attracted some half-hearted onlookers this week, when the unpredictable star dressed up on Charles Manson's birthday… as Sharon Tate. Let’s take a second to unpack the layers of bad decisions that culminated in this casserole of crazy. First of all, Charles Manson’s birthday is simply not a costume kind of holiday—or a holiday at all. Halloween is a great time for dressing up. If once a year isn’t enough, Purim is a great date for playing pretend for the Kabbalah practitioner. If Lindsay Lohan wants to rock a Queen Esther outfit come Pesach, then more power to her. But celebrating the birthday of an infamous cult leader/murderer is a no-go.
And, if memorializing Manson’s birth wasn’t bad enough, Lohan turned the poor taste up to eleven by dressing up as the killer’s victim, murdered actress Sharon Tate—the wife of filmmaker Roman Polanski, who was eight-and-a-half months pregnant when the Manson Family butchered her. The costume, which consisted of a set of ‘60s-inspired floral separates and thigh high boots, was immortalized in a Lohan Instagram captioned, “I LOVE SHARON TATE.” As if we needed any more proof that Lindsay Lohan’s publicist is on permanent sabbatical.
Naturally, this Shia LaBeouf-style shameless spectacle is only the most recent in a string of attention-grabbing stunts.
Back in August, Lohan attended the wedding of Justin Etzin and Lana Zakocela. It was a classic story of Seychelles ambassador of tourism meets lingerie model, and the fairytale nuptials were set to go off without a hitch. And they would have gotten away with it too, if guest Lindsay Lohan had been a little less psychotic. According to a “wedding insider” (dream job), Lohan left the reception early and was “running around naked saying she was drugged.”
During the actual wedding ceremony, Lohan, dressed in white, was spotted “checking her phone” and “painting her nails.” I can count on one hand the number of potential wedding guests who have earned the right to give themselves a manicure during the ceremony—Beyoncé, Cookie Lyon, and Queen Elizabeth. And while certain allowances can be made for mid-nuptials spa services, there is simply no excuse for wearing white to another woman’s wedding. Oh, and did I mention that it was a “floor-length ivory gown,” subtly paired with a “bridal-style headpiece?!”
Prior to the alleged drugging, Lohan made herself at home at the wedding reception, speaking in a British accent while manning the DJ booth, playing Brandy’s “The Boy is Mine” multiple times (to be fair, that’s a pretty solid call). If you read this description of Lindsay’s wild antics and instantly thought “this woman is presidential material,” you are not alone. Lindsay Lohan also believes she has POTUS potential. In October she made a formal bid for the political position, explaining on social media, “In #2020 I may run for president…Through ups and downs #YESWECAN lets do this @kanyewest #truespirits thank your for inspiring us to be better people @barackobama #kanyewest2020 #lindsaylohanat35 #lindsaylohan2020 with #34yearsofEXPERIENCE #unitingWORLDnations.”
The 34-year-old aspiring politician, who cites the aforementioned Yeezus as a main influence for entering the race, went on to outline her running platform: to “take care of all the children suffering in the world...#queenELIZABETH showed me how by having me in her country.”
Lohan rounded out this recent spate of poor decisions by wearing a fake engagement ring on a night out in London. According to “a source close to the actress” (horrible job), “She did it as a joke for her friends and wanted to see what people would do or say.”
The child star, whose rap sheet includes a DUI, alleged necklace theft, and misdemeanor cocaine use, also cancelled a Toronto appearance last minute because her criminal past barred her from crossing the border—either that, or she refused to do the gig because she wasn't flown first class. Safe to say, America’s favorite reformed redhead isn’t exactly sticking to the straight and narrow—now, who wants to break the news to Oprah?