Meet Leonardo DiCaprio’s New Squeeze Roxy Horner

Listen up, you guys. Drop what you’re doing—that presidential debate recap or long-form article on the spread of the Zika virus can wait—’cause I’m about to hit you with some straight up news. As of “recently” Leonardo DiCaprio, your favorite professional Oscar nominee, has allegedly been “cozying up” to British model Roxy Horner. Take a second to gather your thoughts and put yourself together; this has been a shock for all of us. Diehard fans of transient celebrity couples will remember that DiCaprio and his ex, Sports Illustrated model Kelly Rohrbach, called it quits back in December. That means that Horner is the first celebrity DiCaprio’s been seen rubbing up against in over a month (not counting that super handsy bear from The Revenant… or Rihanna).

I know what you’re thinking: Let me learn everything about this girl, because this relationship clearly has legs. Luckily, Roxy Horner is freaking fascinating. In her 24 years on Earth, the charismatic blonde has managed to juggle a full-time modeling career and an active social media presence, with more than 51,000 followers on Instagram alone. An East London native, Horner enjoys drinking water, drinking green tea, and eating breakfast. Her “ideal date night” includes a “candle lit dinner by the sea at a sushi restaurant.” You hear that, DiCaprio? This girl likes fish!

Now I know what you’re thinking: Is our new personal hero/best gal pal prepared to take on the pressure that comes with dating in the spotlight? Luckily, Horner is no stranger to inter-celebrity fraternization. In 2011, she dated musician Taio Cruz, the man behind “Dynamite” and probably other songs as well. She was later linked to childhood friend and U.K. reality TV star Joey Essex.

While Horner and DiCaprio apparently met several years ago in Los Angeles, they reached peak levels of coziness this month at London’s Chiltern Firehouse, where they were spotted out together on two consecutive nights. In the wake of Chiltern-gate, the 24-year-old cryptically tweeted, “You can’t have a friend in the industry without people assuming it’s more than that… it’s a joke,” and then subsequently deleted her tweet. I guess Insta-Roxy has a lot of “industry” friends. Leave it to good ol’ Roxy to keep us guessing!

Roxy Horner and the 41-year-old kind-of-still-a-heartthrob are clearly perfect for each other on myriad levels and undoubtedly have what it takes to go the distance. Plus, this relationship has come at a perfect time for both of them. DiCaprio really needs a win right now—specifically an Oscar win for his “white guy grows beard and does serious acting” cinematic experience, The Revenant. This is DiCaprio’s fifth acting nomination; if he wins, it will be his very first Academy Award. While it might seem like luck is not on Leo’s side, it’s important to really emphasize that for this movie, DiCaprio grew a beard. Also, he fought a bear. Also, he ate some raw meat. Also, he really, really wants to win this time!

As for Horner, there’s never a better time to date Leonardo DiCaprio than when you’re 24 years old. In fact, that is the only possible time to date Leonardo DiCaprio, as he has repeatedly proven that he will dump any girl who commits the grave, unpardonable crime of turning 25. You can keep growing out your facial hair as long as you want, DiCaprio, but you’ll never be able to hide your deeply unflattering fear of mortality as manifested through your age-inappropriate sex life. Anyway, long live Roxynardo (or my preferred celebrity couple moniker, HornDiC)!