In his returning commencement address at Harvard University, Conan O’Brien mocked President Trump for his yearlong crusade against his alma mater.
“Of course, perhaps the biggest issue facing this institution is that the federal government of the United States is suing our university,” O’Brien, 63, said to a chorus of boos after receiving his honorary Doctor of Arts from Harvard on Thursday.
“Many people think I’ve come today to defend Harvard. Well, sorry, those people are wrong,” he sarcastically continued. “Not only am I not against these lawsuits, I’m here to announce that I’m joining them. I, too, am suing Harvard.”
In March of last year, Trump, 79, threatened to pull $9 billion in federal funding from the institution over what he perceived as “antisemitic discrimination” on the school’s campus. The university has refused to comply with any of Trump’s demands.
O’Brien, who earned his undergraduate degree from the Ivy League institution in 1985, rebuked Trump’s crusade against Harvard by feigning to join in on the fight, rattling off 40 years’ worth of personal transgressions.
The Mark Twain Prize-winning comedian listed off his equally frivolous lawsuits, which included having to listen to the university’s oldest a capella group, the Krokodiloes, do an “8-minute rendition of ‘Splish Splash I Was Taking a Bath.’”
“My God, each one took a solo, and it was awful,” he noted.
“I’m suing Harvard for the cast-iron bunkbed that greeted me upon my arrival at Holworthy 16, my freshman year,” he added. “A bed that has been since confiscated by the Hague as an instrument of divine cruelty.”
He then recalled having only 10 minutes to complete a 25-minute walk (as shown on Google Maps) between back-to-back early-morning classes.
“For God’s sake, I was a child!” he exclaimed.
“I’m suing Harvard for my less-than-spectacular undergraduate sex life,” he said. “For me, having a three-way meant adding a second mirror to my dorm.”
“And finally, I’m suing Harvard because, and this is absolutely true, in the spring of my sophomore year, while trying to grab a quick lunch at Adams House, I was served a meal called Cap’n Ben’s fish spaghetti,” he added. “To this day, I have no idea who Cap’n Ben is or why someone would combine government-issued cod with spaghetti.”
“Harvard, I’ll see your a-- in court,” he concluded, adding, “I’m confident that my claims will have more merit than those filed by the president of the United States.”
In September, a District Court judge reinstated more than $2 billion in pulled funding, citing Trump’s lawsuit as “retaliation, unconstitutional conditions, and unconstitutional coercion.”
Harvard president Alan Garber, who presented O’Brien with his honorary degree, wrote in a letter to the school’s community, “No government—regardless of which party is in power—should dictate what private universities can teach, whom they can admit and hire, and which areas of study and inquiry they can pursue.”
O’Brien, who said that “screaming” comedians writing jokes about Trump often “put down your best weapon, which is being funny,” next targeted Trump’s war on immigrant students.
“As you are aware, the current administration feels Harvard admits too many foreign students, and who knows, they may have a point,” he started. “After all, what has any foreigner ever added to our American culture, with the possible exception of music, literature, art, cuisine, fashion, architecture, dance, scientific breakthroughs, and the core of our moral codes and ethical beliefs.”
“Seriously, if foreigners hadn’t ‘gummed up the works’ right now, we’d all be listening to delightful Calvinist reggae, eating savory Church of England ziti, and dancing the forbidden and sexually charged Lutheran lambada,” he concluded.
