In an insomniatic state, I find the most extreme of Real Housewives reunions to be a calming force. Better than melatonin, the cacophony of screams can lull the widest awake soul to a deep sleep.
The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City Season 6 reunion is perfect in that sense, and in no others.
Nothing has been solved, bonds are breaking at record speeds, and the most annoying habits of the season have been amplified to an excruciating degree. To top it off, allegations of a disturbing nature have roiled the stage: an 11th-hour antisemitism accusation so explosive it sidelines everything else, even Mary Cosby cult rumors.
In retrospect, the episode starts so calmly that 43 minutes later, you’ll be wistful of Angie K.’s 50th scroll. That’s right, the Greek goddess has trotted out yet another ancient artifact, this one seemingly proving that Lisa Barlow maybe uses burner accounts to say things like “I used to like Angie K.” and discover it’s Elektra’s birthday. It’s one of those things that’s almost definitely true, but simply becomes annoying when Whitney, Bronwyn, and Heather jump on it like screaming banshees.
“It’s exhausting,” Lisa says, just about summing up the entire episode. Even Andy finds himself at his wits’ end as everyone tries to get a word in, walking off the stage the way a 12-year-old who wants attention from their parents does. If only he returned ready to meet the moment.
Instead, we hop from subject to subject, simply scratching the surface before landing on the least salacious story of all. Perhaps the most egregious is the discussion of Mary Cosby’s church. The M in Mary M. Cosby may stand for “mediator,” but the A in Andy seems to stand for “a--kisser,” sorry to say. It’s not completely Andy’s fault, of course. It’s just odd to see everybody handle Mary with kid gloves, especially when the Season 2 pursuit against her proved to be some of the show’s most enticing footage.
Just as fast as the topic is introduced, it dissipates with a quick pivot to Lisa and Mary’s dynamic. Somehow, that accidentally ricochets to the only compelling Mary response of the whole episode. When Lisa says Mary “doesn’t move forward,” Mary retorts, “Are you serious? I don’t move forward? When you sat there with Whitney [in Season 2] and said my church was a cult. Did you forget that?”
Mary might not realize this, but to remain perturbed about actions four years later is, as they say, not moving forward. Does that mean she’ll finally flee the sidelines and engage in a nasty feud with Lisa, even if that could deter her new “Mother Mary” image? We can only hope.
Until then, the remainder of the episode dwells on the single plotline that swallowed the season whole: the plane ride from hell. There’s still no footage, no resolution, and no point to the conversation. Meredith obviously murdered Britani on that flight, the reanimated corpse of off-Broadway’s finest still trying to find its way back to humanity, but it simply does not matter. Heather is being annoying, and that is a crime far worse than murder in plain sight.
“I have never screeched at you!” Heather screeches at Meredith, surmising exactly the issue of this nauseating merry-go-round. It’s the duty of any good reality star to move on when a storyline stops serving its purpose, and unfortunately, Heather would rather sink with this ship than concede. A smart storyteller knows to show, not tell. Back up and let Meredith do her own bidding, and she might sink even faster.
Instead, everybody screams at the same time in an effort to be the most delusional, but only one can emerge victorious. Just as it seems we’ve covered every nook and cranny of that plane ride—though Andy doesn’t even grill Meredith about Crazy Rich Asians—Meredith decides to “backtrack” to the most convoluted story of all.
“I think what’s really important here, that’s going by the wayside, is discussing why I have such a fractured relationship with Britani. And it’s rooted in bigotry,” Meredith proclaims, before telling a story of an antisemitic nail tech who allegedly called Jewish people “pedophiles” and, after receiving backlash, begged Britani (and her boyfriend, Jared) to leave him positive Google reviews, which they obliged. Just when you think we’ve reached the ground of the gutter, a pothole to an even grimier dimension emerges.
Britani does admit to leaving the review, but her perspective is different: “Wrote a great review, next thing I know, somebody sends me posts, and I’m like, ‘Whoa, what’s happening?’”
As always, Britani’s best defense is that she’s just a bit daft.
Britani breaks down in tears as the episode comes to an end, offering a monologue that the right agent could parlay into a real Broadway moment, storming off-stage as Meredith further accuses her of antisemitism.
That just about encapsulates the toxicity that has soaked every square foot of this stage. In just 43 minutes, Angie accused Lisa of cyberbullying on a fake account; Lisa accused Brownyn’s husband of going to Dubai to buy erectile dysfunction meds (and Bronwyn accused Lisa of weaponizing that rumor); Britani accused Meredith’s husband of having two girlfriends; and Meredith rolled right up to top it all.
The stage is soiled, and The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City have clearly lost their ability to kiss and make up. Maybe they, too, are stuck in a dream state, so deluded in their every move that they’ve lost all ability to come back to Earth.
