Samantha Bee is back, just in time for International Women’s Day. And she wasn’t ready to forget that unexpectedly “presidential” speech Trump made last week.
“Last week, America’s one-man white supremacist employment program managed to talk about his dystopian agenda using an indoor voice without mentioning his Electoral College win or deporting anyone from Congress. Hooray!” Bee said at the top of her show. “For this astonishing feat, the pundits rained golden compliments down on him in the warmest shower he’s ever had outside of Moscow.”
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Question mark, exclamation point, rage emoji!” she asked CNN’s Van Jones and others. “If pundits set the bar for President Trump any lower, even Jeff Sessions won’t be able to walk under it without bumping his head.”
“Look, I know it’s extraordinary that he learned to read something, finally. I didn’t think he could do it, either!” Bee said, referring to her pre-election conspiracy theory. “But you don’t have to gush like he’s a toddler who just made a boom-boom on big boy potty.”
“Sadly, ‘presidential’ Trump didn’t have long to enjoy his victory over his own tongue,” Bee added, moving on to Trump’s outrageous wiretapping charges against President Obama. “That’s new. A white guy shoots himself in the dick, tries to pin it on a black guy. When has that ever happened? To be fair, there’s a good chance Trump fell asleep watching news, rolled over on the remote, and woke up during The Wire. Mr. President, that’s not Barack Obama.”
“Apparently, the president’s intel on wiretapping was prepared by Steve Bannon’s news-Pepe of record reporting on a doolally radio host named Mark Levin, whose voices told him Obama is behind a silent coup against Trump,” Bee explained. “Solid. Just one of those classic coups where a president uses the might of the government to spy on an opponent and then doesn’t release any of the information he found, lets the other guy win and then isn’t president anymore. Classic coup, exactly what that word means.”
With America’s pundits “so eager to declare Donald Trump presidential,” Bee said, “in one way, he is. Namely, when he spouts nonsense, it has immediate global consequences and makes us less safe, because he’s the fucking president!”
“And if there’s no one on his staff brave enough to tell their boss that there’s only one ‘p’ in ‘tap,’ there certainly isn't anyone brave enough to tell him that Obama isn’t running a coup.”
Thankfully, this #DayWithoutAWoman still had Samantha Bee and her talented staff in it.