HAIL XENU?

Samantha Bee Urges NRA Members to Try Scientology Instead of Guns

The ‘Full Frontal’ host is going to seriously piss off two shadowy, powerful groups with this one.

Samantha Bee returned from a month-long break on Wednesday with a very special PSA for the NRA.

In the wake of the school shooting in Parkland, Florida, the Full Frontal host called on members of the National Rifle Association to “break free” from the powerful organization once and for all... “And join Scientology instead!”

“Scientology can fill all the holes in your soul that the NRA currently does,” Bee told them. “It will bless you with fear, power fantasies, a creepily ageless leader—and merch!”

“Is Scientology safe?” she asked. “Oh, of course not, it’s bonkers! But it’s, like, safer for the rest of us. So, if it keeps you from feeling like you need to load up on AR-15s, then hail Xenu or whatever the fuck.”

“Who needs a rifle to defend themselves when, as an OT7, you can blow someone away with your brain?” Bee continued. “That’s the stopping power of Scientology.”

“Hey, buddy, I know you like to be part of something small and universally disrespected, so why not try Scientology?” she concluded. “Because if you volunteer to be Kirstie Alley’s boat slave, at least you’re only hurting yourself.”

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Matt WilsteinSenior Editor

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