On Tuesday evening, the news broke that porn star Stormy Daniels (birth name: Stephanie Clifford) had filed a lawsuit against President Donald J. Trump alleging that their so-called hush agreement was null and void because he never signed it.
If you recall, weeks before the 2016 U.S. presidential election, Trump’s longtime personal lawyer Michael Cohen paid Daniels $130,000 via a Delaware shell company to presumably silence her over an alleged affair she had with the president in 2006, months after Melania Trump gave birth to their son, Barron (Cohen has acknowledged making the payment). The payment was flagged as “suspicious” by the bank, who notified the Treasury Department of the transaction.
“These guys are so dumb. Of course it got flagged as suspicious!” said Seth Meyers. “The personal lawyer to a presidential candidate secretly wired $130,000 to someone named ‘Stormy Daniels’ a month before the election. That’s the equivalent of having a folder on your desktop labeled ‘Just Tax Stuff, No Porn.’”
The Late Night host chose to dedicate a big chunk of his “A Closer Look” segment Tuesday to the Daniels news.
“That’s right: the businessman-president didn’t even remember that when you make a deal, you have to sign it—which is surprising considering how much he loves showing off his signature,” cracked Meyers, throwing to a photo of Trump proudly displaying his EKG-like signature on a bill. “In fact, I’m surprised Trump didn’t hold a signing ceremony in his Oval Office for this.”
In Daniels’ lawsuit, she includes a copy of the alleged “hush agreement” between her and Trump, wherein she is identified as Peggy Peterson, while Trump is named David Dennison.
“In fairness, ‘David Dennison’ is actually the best fake name a president has ever had, because it’s the only fake name a president has ever had. Nobody else ever needed one!” exclaimed Meyers.
One of the craziest details in the suit, however, is how Trump may have sent explicit photos and/or texts to Daniels. According to the settlement agreement in the suit, “Prior to entering into this agreement, PP came into possession of certain ‘Confidential Information’ pertaining to DD, as more fully defined below, only some of which is in tangible form, which includes, but is not limited to information, certain still images and/or text messages which were authored by or relate to DD…”
“So we are looking at the very real possibility that Donald Trump sent Stormy Daniels a dick pic,” said Meyers. “Can you even imagine? Oh, you can, and that’s why you’re making those awful noises. It would look like a flaming-hot Cheeto sitting on a Brillo pad.”
As the audience groaned, Meyers jokingly shouted, “No! No! I think we should spend more time on this! Can you just imagine him locked in a bathroom backstage trying to find the right angle with his flip phone camera?”