The day after Senate Republicans handed President Donald Trump the biggest win of his political career, Alec Baldwin helped give viewers the impeachment trial they “wish had happened” on Saturday Night Live.
For starters, Kenan Thompson’s Judge Mathis replaced Chief Justice John Roberts and introduced “sneaky little” Mitch McConnell, who was there to remind the American people that “all men are innocent after proven guilty.” Joining Trump’s defense team was Kate McKinnon’s Lindsey Graham.
“Now, I may be a super-country person but I’ve studied this from top to bottom and I don’t see any other options,” Graham said. “I’m not going to get re-elected unless I kiss Mr. Trump’s grits and tickle his biscuits. That’s why I do declare Mr. Trump innocent or my name isn’t Lindsey Valerie Beauregard Matlock Graham!”
SNL’s alternative trial also featured testimony from Cecily Strong as John Bolton and Pete Davidson as Hunter Biden, who entered the courtroom on a hoverboard.
When the judge accused Biden of nepotism, he replied, “That’s right. I’ve been selling Biden steaks from my office at the top of Biden Tower and letting foreign leaders stay at Biden-a-Lago. Oh wait, no, that’s the president’s sons. Ya burnt!”
Finally, the president himself appeared in the form of Alec Baldwin, who entered using a walker, Harvey Weinstein-style. “Your honor, I’m a very sick old man. How could I withhold aid from the Ukraine?” he asked. “I can barely get around the house.”
“President Trump, are you trying to Weinstein me right now?” the judge asked.
“In which sense? Because Harvey and I overlap in a few areas,” Trump replied, before delivering his closing statement.
“Ladies and gentlemen of this government place, what I’ve learned from this trial is that clearly nothing I do or say has any consequence, so I’d like to come clean about everything,” Trump said. “The call with the Ukraine wasn’t perfect, it was illegal. And frankly, it was a butt-dial. Also, I watch CNN all the time and it’s awesome.”
Trump went on to admit that he cheats at golf, elections and marriage and that he’s not actually 239 pounds but 475. “And I don’t really need this walker either, although it does help me be lazier, which I like,” he said. “But this trial has been incredible because I now have a best friend. Mitch McConnell, get in here, Mitch. He’s a ride or die bitch. And we’re going to be linked forever, right, Mitch?”
For more, listen to recent episodes of The Last Laugh podcast.