‘South Park’s’ Trump Throws Debate: ‘I Am a Sick, Angry Little Man’

Before Alec Baldwin and Kate McKinnon get their chance to parody the first presidential debate on Saturday Night Live’s season premiere this week, South Park beat them to it.

The third episode of the show’s 20th season found Donald Trump stand-in Mr. Garrison going up against Hillary Clinton for a debate moderated by NBC News’s Lester Holt. In South Park’s premiere two weeks ago, Garrison admitted his fears that if elected, he would look like a “jackass” because he does not have an actual platform or a plan. His scheme to throw the election by sitting out the national anthem backfired, so now he had to take things a step further.

But unfortunately, the “giant douche” is up against a “turd sandwich” whose campaign gives her the advice to respond to whatever Trump says with, “My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted.”

But when Mr. Garrison comes clean in the debate, delivering the following speech, that approach lets her down.

“I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” he says, speaking from the heart. “I had no idea I would get this far, but the fact of the matter is, I should not be president, OK? I will fuck this country up beyond repair. I am a sick, angry little man. Please, if you care at all about the future of our country, vote for her. She’s the one who at least has some experience. She’s not as bad as you think, I promise. And unlike me, she’s actually capable of running this country.”

“My opponent is a liar and he cannot be trusted,” Clinton says in response.

“I am giving you this, lady. What the fuck are you doing?” Garrison asks.

After the debate, Randy Marsh, who previously expressed his allegiance for the “turd sandwich,” can’t believe that even more people now say they are voting for the “giant douche” (so far, the real-life polls have not swung that way, but it’s still early). “You’re telling me that after that debate, you still want to vote for that guy?” he asks some Garrison supporters. “More than ever,” they respond. At least he doesn’t sound like a “politician,” they reason.

Meanwhile, at his post-debate rally, Mr. Garrison gets cheers when he tells the crowd, “America, please listen to me, I have no idea how to be president. I am a complete jackass and I have made a giant mistake here.” Even when he admits that he once “scissored with another woman when I had a sex change,” his supporters are undeterred. “I’m not the guy you want going to Russia to negotiate with Putin!” he shouts at them “I’ll probably end up getting drunk and trying to suck his dick!”

Later in the episode, Mr. Garrison starts telling his fans how much “contempt” he has for them, adding, “If you vote me in as president, I’ll seriously throw up and have lost all faith in humanity.”

Watching from his couch at home, Randy finds himself saying, “Shit, I’m starting to really like this guy.”