“Twenty-four hours later, we still don’t know the winner of the presidential election,” Stephen Colbert explained at the top of The Late Show Wednesday night.
He then elaborated, adding, “As you can see, I am still on the election set because the election is still going on—as we knew it would. We planned to keep this setup for days, because COVID. It’s going to take a while to count all the votes. And it’s all coming down to a few states where they’re still counting votes.”
Yes, it will all come down to North Carolina, Georgia, Nevada, and Pennsylvania—because, as Colbert gleefully announced on his program, “Joe Biden has won Wisconsin! Woo! The cheeseheads are now blue cheeseheads… That’s really gotta sting, because Trump has continued to make such a big deal out of winning Wisconsin back in 2016.”
Colbert then threw to a montage of Trump describing the “beautiful” night he won Wisconsin in 2016 by a grand total of 22,748 votes. “Remember when they say, ‘Donald Trump has won the state of Wisconsin.’ Was that a great evening or what?’” he proclaimed, over and over again.
“Trump put a lot of effort into the state. Back in October, he appeared at a rally in Green Bay with quarterback Brett Favre,” said Colbert. “Sadly, it wasn’t the first time Favre had let the fans down by being caught on camera with his dick-tator out. You can Google it… but I wouldn’t.”
(Yes, Favre was once caught sending unsolicited—and unflattering—dick pics to a New York Jets’ sideline reporter some years back.)
Then came a Biden win in Michigan. With Biden gaining on Trump in Pennsylvania, Trump took to Twitter in the early hours of Wednesday morning and proclaimed that he had in fact won not only the election, but a number of the undecided swing states—including Pennsylvania.
“There it is. A power grab by a terrified strongman in the dead of night. Classic,” said Colbert. “If there’s anything 2 a.m. is known for, it’s desperate moves by sad little men who are afraid to go home like a loser.”