HE'S THE BOMB

The Real Threat to America’s Cities Isn’t Iran—It’s Our President

And not just because he keeps inviting Tehran to attack the West Coast.

Opinion

The American left sure thinks of themselves as so “open-minded,” but when the President of the United States comes up with an out-of-the-box idea like, you know, the suggestion that Iran “take out” Los Angeles and San Diego, they’re pretty quick to shut it down. What “Dumocrats” will never understand is that real patriots like me love President Trump without necessarily agreeing with everything he says. But we’re willing to hear him out.

At first blush, obliterating two major American cities doesn’t seem like a great idea. Nor does doubling down on the proposal in even fierier rhetoric, but like I said, you gotta give dear leader some wiggle room here. Setting aside the human cost for a moment, their combined economic output alone accounts for over $1.6 trillion dollars, or nearly 6 percent of American GDP. Add in the likely fallout—hopefully not nuclear!—that would occur from two major transportation hubs going offline and you’re looking at a catastrophe on an order of magnitude that would put any previous attack on the homeland as basically irrelevant. And hasn’t Trump’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame already come under enough fire?!

On the other hand, L.A.’s kind of a pain in the ass.

So I’m torn.

Sarcasm aside, I happen to agree that Trump didn’t mean what it sounded like he meant. When does he ever? In his inarticulate, fumbling manner, our addled-brained commander-in-chief was, I believe, arguing that American cities (even if it was just the liberal ones) could have been destroyed if he hadn’t gone to war with Iran, a claim as bizarre and incoherent as the one he’s accused of actually making. In other words, his inability to convey a thought about gas prices did him the favor of obscuring his lies about everything else.

Seven months into our two-week war with Iran, we appear to be stuck in a grinding and pointless military exercise. Rather than cowing the mullahs into submission, this week saw the world’s mightiest fighting force—yes, that’s us!—remove all of its long-range bombers from a base in the U.K. following reports of threats against the craft.

Sure, it’s embarrassing that the U.S. cannot protect its own assets on its own base in England. And yes, it appears to all the world as a hasty retreat in deference to an enemy we’ve been told we have defeated. In fact, I think we might have won the war again a week ago? I think that’s eight or nine times so far. When Trump said we’d be tired of all the winning, he wasn’t kidding!

But why be so quick to condemn the combined efforts of the vaunted Trump military brain trust? Sure, so far none of their stated objectives have been met. The reign of Secretary of Repurposed Nazi Imagery, Pete Hegseth, has proven to be as competent a warfighter as he is an axe-thrower.

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I will allow that the conflict has been a real drag on the global economy—whatever victory this administration was hoping for at the outset of this farcical fight is now reduced to getting the price of diesel back down. And the proxies we aimed to destroy are currently conducting their own war against Saudi Arabia. We may have bombed 120 schoolgirls. And at least 20 U.S. servicemen and servicewomen are now dead, although it’s hard to know the exact number because Hegseth’s Department of Defense refuses to say.

And FINE, I will concede that the only reason we’re even in this mess in the first place is because the egomaniacal babyman sitting behind the Resolute Desk is so receptive to flattery that he decided to take his nation to war after Israel’s Benjamin Netanyahu told him his cankles looked imposing. Bibi glazed his nuts to a mirrored shine.

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All of that may be true, but now that we’re pulling at least some of our assets from the conflict, I say we keep going! We already got the USS Abraham Lincoln outta there after close to a year at sea—all it took was a small number of suicide attempts from the men and women stationed aboard.

To which I say, great! (On the aircraft carrier’s return, that is, not the rampant self-harm.)

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Whatever its original intent, this stupid conflict has magnified Iran’s power rather than containing it. For months, they’ve managed to choke off the global economy for pennies on the dollar. Washington’s response? Bluster, lies, and Jared Kushner.

The more people and material we bring home, the better.

The more humiliating our retreat now, the less likely we are to launch such wars of choice in the future.

Let’s recall all the warships and warplanes and special forces and space forces and whatever else we’ve got floating around the Gulf. Let’s keep our eyes to the horizon, not for a missile flying from Tehran but for the battle groups steaming back into port following Don and Pete’s excellent Iranian misadventure. Let’s throw them a big parade, and then march them to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for a citizen’s arrest—it’s not a military coup if you ask nicely!

Wherever the troops return, it will likely mark the end of yet another Republican-led Middle East disaster. So be it. All I want is what families of both sides of this conflict want—to bring our people home.

In the meantime, though, I recommend the Apple Pan in Los Angeles. Terrific burgers. Get them before it’s too late.

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Michael Ian Black

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