MISSING THE MARKTrump’s ‘Massive’ Brag Immediately Gets Brutal Reality CheckThe president was instantly fact-checked.Isabel van Brugen
CONQUEST DELUSIONTrump, 80, Makes Unhinged Claim That He Seized Greenland“I got Greenland,” the president told supporters. “I hope you’re happy about that.”Reagin von Lehe
POT LUCKGardening Work Leads to Astonishing Ancient DiscoveryThe record haul was uncovered entirely by accident.Ewan Palmer
DEVIL ON THE SHOULDERKatie Miller’s Role in Trump’s Invasion Fantasy ExposedThe MAGA podcaster played a strange part in the fiasco. Harry Thompson
SECOND SCARE STRIKESSoccer Star Collapses in Pre-World Cup MatchThe midfielder has previously suffered a cardiac arrest on the field.Wiktoria Gucia
NOT A SHARP COOKIEMAGA Greenland Goon Makes Insane Claim After Nightmare VisitJeff Landry says Greenlanders want more U.S. involvement. They do not. Will Neal
FOOL’S ERRANDTrump’s Greenland Goon Embarks on Tour of HumiliationThe president’s special envoy, Jeff Landry, “is making a fool out of himself,” an insider said.Isabel van Brugen
UNDER THEIR NOSEArcheologists Race to Recover Warship Sunk in 1801 BattleThe discovery site is slated to be transformed into a housing district.Tamilore Oshikanlu
OpinionNO THANK YOUThere’s Only One Thing U.S. Allies Should Thank Trump forPresident Donald Trump and his MAGA acolytes are angry at the lack of gratitude for a war nobody wanted.David Gardner
REMEMBER GREENLAND?Trump Threats Drove Ally to Plot Bombing Its Own RunwaysThe president is now wholly preoccupied with attacking another, decidedly less friendly country. Will Neal
ALL AT SEATrump’s Own Officials Debunk His Bizarre New Greenland FlexAmerican officials told the media to ignore Trump’s latest diplomatic ramblings.Ewan Palmer