Justin Bieber can’t drive a car without getting arrested, play a prank without taking it too far, or ride a private jet without hotboxing the entire plane. But we had no idea that the pathological bad boy can’t even walk in a straight line.
On January 23, the 19-year-old Bieber was arrested in Miami Beach while drag racing a Lamborghini. And while you can’t arrest a flashy pop star for being a tool, you can arrest a minor for driving under the influence, resisting arrest, and driving with an invalid license. Ultimately, Bieber’s blood-alcohol level tested below Florida’s legal limit, but, naturally, he tested positive for Marijuana and Xanax. No word yet on whether Biebs’ Xanax-popping is directly related to deportation anxiety.
Unsurprisingly, the city that brought you The Jersey Shore: Miami has some pretty fun rules regarding video footage pertaining to criminal cases. Under Floridian law, once evidence is turned over to the defense it becomes public record. In addition to this jailhouse clip, a Miami-Dade County judge is reportedly reviewing five other sensitive sections of footage, which include Bieber urinating into a cup. Depending on their decision, “Justin Bieber Urinating in a Cup” could be coming to a theater near you as soon as March 4.
But let’s not be ungrateful; while it’s not as racy as a drug test, this sobriety test video has its own subtle charms. The clip opens on a grim scene: we see a Miami cop standing attention, and a miserable civilian keeled over in a chair. If nothing else, this video should serve as a reminder to never get arrested in Miami Beach. In fact, maybe you should just skip Miami Beach altogether.
Bieber enters the frame wearing a somber black hoodie, bright orange shoes and his roomiest denim capris. At this point, the person in the chair starts to perk up, probably realizing that this skinny boy is not just an emo clown, but Justin Bieber himself. Now everyone in the room is riveted, watching Justin put one huge foot in front of the other. The officer orders Bieber to walk the tape line a number of times, which includes a few stumbles, confused pauses, and false starts. At one point the cop looks at the surveillance camera incredulously, as if he knows he’s destined for five minutes of TMZ fame. He later takes out his phone—like I always say, if you book Justin Bieber and don’t live tweet it, did it even happen?
After walking back and forth a bunch of times, Bieber approaches the officer, wagging his finger in what he clearly believes to be a menacing way. The cop swiftly rebukes Bieber, who then goes off to cross his arms and sulk petulantly in a corner. The seated civilian appears to offer Bieber a raised fist of solidarity; then Biebs and the officer exit the room. End scene.
Bieber’s Miami trial (not to be confused with his Canadian arraignment) is scheduled for March 17. Until then, we’ll be awaiting that urine test video with bated breath.