You Must Be This Old to Ride the DiCaprio
Sorry, ladies. If you were able to see his movie Titanic in theaters, you’re probably too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
While celebrities might not mate for life, they do mate for crucial publicity opportunities. Therefore, it stands to reason that the celebrity significant other selection process is more nuanced and complicated than it is for us mere mortals. Different stars favor different methods for choosing which lucky lad or lady will have the honor of posing on their less attractive sides. Some celebrities prefer to date equally well-known known stars, while others like to slum it with non-famous (but extremely beautiful) faces or miscellaneous Kennedys. Famous scientologists select partners based on their Thetan levels. Taylor Swift consults her rhyming dictionary (and her growing roster of BFF’s exes).
And Leonardo DiCaprio chooses his girlfriends from an elite pool of models and actresses, all under the age of 25.
That’s right, folks: No matter how much you wanted him in Titanic, if you were old enough to see it in theaters, the feeling is probably not mutual. Now, everybody knows that fuckability doesn’t have an age—and if it did, it definitely wouldn’t be 25. Twenty-five should be a great time; you’re young, beautiful, and you can finally rent a car without having to reckon with exorbitant added fees. Unfortunately, a number of gorgeous women will forever remember 25 as the age at which they were dumped by former teen heartthrob (and current 41-year-old) Leonardo DiCaprio.
Just this week, People confirmed that DiCaprio and his girlfriend, model Kelly Rohrbach, 25, have decided to call it quits. Of course, people break up over any number of things, and while it’s possible that Rohrbach just preferred The Big Short to The Wolf of Wall Street, the more believable explanation is that she hit DiCaprio’s personal lady expiration date.
This is, as noted by Slate, a pattern. From Erin Heatherton to Blake Lively, DiCaprio has been spotted with a whole slew of women, all of whom were under 25 at the time of their DiCaprio dalliances (Lively even dragged DiCaprio to Disneyland of all places… months after taking Ryan Gosling there).
Even more revealingly, DiCaprio has cunningly cut off several other relationships right at the 25 marker. In 2011, he and Bar Refaeli ended their on-again, off-again romance when DiCaprio reportedly chose to go partying at the Top of the Standard instead of accompanying the supermodel to the Met Gala. Or maybe that’s just what he WANTS us to think. After all, the breakup hit Refaeli at the ripe old age of—you guessed it—25. While two eerily reminiscent relationships might just be a coincidence, three seems like the cutoff for plausible deniability. DiCaprio crossed this line in 2005, when he pushed his long-term, 25-year-old girlfriend Gisele headfirst into singledom (don’t worry, guys, she landed on her feet).
Carrying around a “must be this young to ride” sign isn’t exactly a Romeo move from the former ringleader of “The Pussy Posse.” As fun as it seems to date exclusively within the 20- to 25-year-old supermodel bracket, it might be time for DiCaprio to start thinking about some more realistic—and less overtly ageist and gross?—options. After all, it’s been more than two decades since Growing Pains; there’s no reason why a nearly middle-aged man should maintain the sex life of the world’s luckiest college student.
Here’s a reality check, Leo: You’ve still never won an Oscar. You own a selfie stick. Multiple exes have cited your hard partying and playboy ways as the main reason for your breakup. You just spent the weekend living it up with Justin Bieber in St. Barts. You’ve got some things to work out with your facial hair. And, most importantly, you’re 41 years old. For all these reasons and more, maybe try making some “me” time for yourself this year, instead of just chasing girls who have never heard of a dial-up modem. We hear that in 2016, age-appropriate is the new 25.