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03.26.11

Star Jones or Anton Chekhov?

Can you tell the difference between dialogue from Satan's Sisters, Star Jones' new roman a clef about The View, and the classic Russian play Three Sisters? Take our quiz.

1. a. "So I'm behaving abominably; so don't talk to me. Don't bother me."
    b.
"That was so incredibly rude of me. I can't believe I did that."

2. a. "Dara, did you bring the wine?"
    b.
"It is clear people have been drinking a champagne toast. It is twelve noon."

3. a. "I love your eyes, the way you move; I dream about them. Marvelous wonderful woman!
    b.
"You look marvelous! How have you been, my dear?"

4. a. "I love you too much, and you are too important to me, to let you close yourself in the box."
    b.
"There's only one thing, one thing—you don't love me."

5. a. "The doctor said that's all you can have if you're ever going to lose weight."
    b.
"Well I'm certainly too big for you."

6. a. "Then I went to bed, but nothing happened."
    b.
"Too bad oral sex wasn't an Olympic event because Rain would have as many medals as Michael Phelps."

7. a. "They are such lovely young girls."
    b.
"You're really just shining. I don't think you've ever been prettier."

8. a. "As you might recall, I told you that I had no intention of getting married…"
    b. "Women marry because it is their duty to marry, not always for love."

9. a. "Before you know it, it'll be winter, everything will be covered with snow."
    b. "The little girl froze to death during a harsh winter because the family's heat had been shut off."

10. a. "He wrote about how delighted he was with the birds he saw from his prison window...that he'd paid no attention to when he was a minister. Now that he's out, of course, he doesn't notice the birds any more than he did before he went to jail."
      b. "I'd probably go to jail for a long time if I choked the shit out of that crazy bitch."

Answers on next page

ANSWERS:

1) a. Chekhov b. Jones
2) a. Jones b. Chekhov
3) a. Chekhov b. Jones
4) a. Jones b. Chekhov
5) a. Chekhov b. Jones
6) a. Chekhov b. Jones
7) a. Jones b. Chekhov
8) a. Jones. b. Chekhov
9) a. Chekhov b. Jones
10) a. Chekhov b. Jones

WHAT YOUR SCORE MEANS:

10/10: Is there an Uncle Vanya in the family?
8 or 9: Barbara Walters would be impressed.
6 or 7: Donald Trump would probably hire you.
4 or 5: You watch The Talk a lot.
3 and under: Are you Elisabeth Hasselbeck?

Michael Solomon is the former features director of The Daily Beast. His writing has appeared in Vanity Fair, Esquire, Elle, and O, and he has published several books, including the Malcolm Gladwell parody Blank: The Power of Not Actually Thinking at All.