Wild Child No More

Ke$ha’s New Reality Show Is a Bore. Where’s Our Crazy Ke$ha? (VIDEO)

Ke$ha has had sex with ghosts, drunk her own pee, and smoked glitter, but her new MTV reality show, ‘My Crazy Beautiful Life,’ is a snooze. A nostalgic Kevin Fallon looks back at her wilder times.

04.24.13 8:45 AM ET

“My message is to give the haters the finger and be yourself,” Ke$ha says in the premiere of her new MTV docu-series Ke$ha: My Crazy Beautiful Life. Damned if, until now, the glitter-soaked pop warbler hasn’t heeded her own advice. This is, after all, the woman who first hit it big with a musical ode to debauchery, who wears a fan’s molar on a necklace, who created her own line of condoms emblazoned with her likeness.

My Crazy Beautiful Life, whose first episode aired Tuesday night, tracks the Katy Perry–Lady Gaga love child as she prowls the globe on her first headlining tour. “Brace for some serious wackiness,” you probably thought. After all, when teasing the series earlier this year, Ke$ha revealed that she drank her own pee and smoked glitter during the filming process. That Ke$ha! She’s so crazy, what with her brushing her teeth with a bottle of Jack, glitter fetish, and pee-pee chugging! Surely, then, a so-called all-access documentary series airing on MTV would gleefully exploit the auto-tune maven’s penchant for crazy, unleashing a torrent of sparkly ridiculata to entertain viewers.

If only.

What My Crazy Beautiful Life really amounted to was a bizarrely earnest promo video, exalting Ke$ha for all the hard work, sacrifice, and apparent bravery that goes into drunkenly cooing songs about sweaty raves while dressed in bedazzled neon leather panties. Ke$ha, Mick Jagger’s tipsy spirit animal, is replaced by Ke$ha, introspective and vulnerable artist, who just wants you to get her.

But do we really want to? In the opening episode, Ke$ha emotionally obsesses over the love her life, Harold, who broke her heart and allegedly inspires all her songs (so thank him for lines like “I threw up in the closet and I don’t care”). She tearfully rails against Perez Hilton for being a bully. She weeps with a fan who calls her his inspiration. In fact, there’s a lot of crying. There is not, however, a lot of pee drinking. And for that, perhaps you will, as I did, feel oddly shortchanged—because we live in a world where one now feels slighted when television lacks proper amounts of urine swilling.

So on the chance you had better things to do at 11 p.m. on Tuesday night than watch a MTV documentary series on the misunderstood life of Ke$ha, here is a nostalgic look back at the singer’s crazy moments—a list we were hoping to add to copiously after the premiere of My Crazy Beautiful Life. As you lament the unveiling of this new, chastened persona, take a drunken stumble down memory lane with Ke$ha at her most wild and pray to the glitter gods that more moments are to come.

Ke$ha, Disney Princess

Find Snow White annoyingly naive? Think Cinderella’s incessant whining about chores is insufferable? Creeped out by Belle’s jarringly quick acceptance of bestiality? Well then, there’s finally a Disney Princess for you. Meet Princess Ke$ha, a crass royal who prefers gangly bats to dress her instead of chirping bluebirds, who’d rather the mirror on the wall “Suck it, bitch” than tell her who’s the fairest of them all. Because we all know that it’s surely not Princess Ke$ha.

Ke$ha, Drunk Presenter

Odd Couple but also kind of Perfect Couple Ke$ha and Wiz Khalifa presented together at the 2012 MTV Video Music Awards. Wiz proudly pimped his new project: a baby with model Amber Rose. Ke$ha swayed back and forth, head bobbing, slurred her words, and held on for dear life to Wiz for balance. The singer seemed so comically drunk that it was almost as if it wasn’t her onstage with the rapper but an SNL actress spoofing her in a skit.

Ke$ha, Holiday Ambassador

It was the night before the night before Christmas and Ke$ha wanted to wish the remaining dozen or so of her fans not passed out from excessive egg-nog consumption a happy holiday. Sweetly, she belts out a rather impressive rendition of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas.” Just as sweetly, a drunken homeless man wanders into the shot, pulls down his pants, and defecates behind her. And instantly, Ke$ha’s friends and family panic that they’ll get “coal” in their stockings.

Ke$ha, Ghost Fornicator

How did Ke$ha prepare for her second album, Warrior? She went on a spirit journey. Specifically, she had sex with spirits. Like ghosts. She had sex with ghosts. And how was her “sexy times with a ghost,” as she puts it? It was “fun, erotic, and spooky,” she says. Talk about embarrassing exes.

Ke$ha, Public Urinator

Her bladder’s ’bout to blow! (Get it? Heh.) The “Get Sleezy” singer took her own lyrics to heart when she stopped on the side of the road to pee and tweeted a photo of the whole ordeal. “Pee pee on the street. PoPo come n get me if u can find meeee. I blame traffic,” she tweeted. Of course, it’s hard to be truly shocked by the public urination. This is the same girl, after all, who was spotted peeing in a sink in the bathroom at a London pub because the line for the toilet was too long. “It’s an animal instinct as humans and as an animal,” she said in justification. Can’t be tamed.

Ke$ha, Teen Mom Inspiration

OK, so this clip is more an homage to Ke$ha’s craziness than it is proof of her insanity itself. Living her best Ke$ha life, Teen Mom Jenelle is on probation and fails her drug test. She decides that she would rather serve a jail sentence than remain on probation, which would require her to abstain from marijuana for a year, as she doesn’t think she’d be able to do that. Her lawyer tells her she could go to jail for 16 days and have the whole ordeal behind her, but she refuses because she could not, would not, will not miss the Ke$ha concert scheduled for that timeframe. “Like, no one understands how important this concert is to me,” she says. “It’s not just a concert. It’s Ke$ha. It’s the person. It’s not, ‘Oh, I wanna go to a random concert.’ It’s Ke$ha, she’s my idol.” Thus is born the TV clip that will generate millions of dollars in therapy fees for the Teen Mom’s poor child.

Ke$ha, Burping Queen

Never change, Ke$ha. Never change.