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This is not a drill, this person really exists. Jezebel on Monday published an email from an (sadly anonymous) aspiring hedge-fund banker whose father has opened up his “low seven-figure trust fund” to start a hedge fund—and he’s looking for two employees and an intern from his own fraternity. So what will the jobs entail? A “lead analyst” who will “take care of the majority of actual analysis” since the founder will be busy “networking, raising money, and handshaking with actual bigwigs.” There’s also a “office manager/secretary” who will be in charge of “hiring hot secretaries for us to ogle (and possibly slam) during the workday.” How charming. And lastly, an intern who will be picked “primarily based on how hard you pledged and how I rate your slampieces pulling ability.”