Primetime Lushes

Must Drink TV!

This week, Kathie Lee and Hoda beat out Gossip Girl, Cougar Town got sloshed, and Charlie Sheen’s alter ego seemed familiar. Kara Cutruzzula is keeping tabs on the boozehounds.

GOSSIP GIRL

Episode 6: "Easy J"
Total Drinks: 4
Biggest Lush: This remarkably well-behaved hour ends in a draw.
Signature Drinks: Whatever the Boom Boom Room is serving
Best Bon Mot: Chuck: "If you'll excuse me I'm going to go sit with them. From what I hear badminton players know how to handle a shuttlecock."
Drunkest Moment: Whatever happened behind closed doors after Nate's girlfriend started pouring whiskey for Serena's professor/love interest Colin

For a notoriously scandal-ridden show, Gossip Girl was relatively tame this week. Chuck Bass (Ed Westwick) drank whiskey at home (alone, of course) with a beautiful array of bottles behind him. A few of-age Upper East Siders sipped their way through a party at The Standard's Boom Boom Room, where Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump made appearances (with Champagne flute firmly in the hand of daughter Trump). We can only assume the New York Observer-hosted party got wilder as the night wore on.

KATHIE LEE & HODA

Episode: Winesday, October 27
Total Drinks: 4 ½
Biggest Lush: Regis' drunken former half
Signature Drinks: 3-liter Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio
Best Bon Mot:
Hoda: "These are three liters."
Kathie Lee: "What is that in American?"
Hoda: "It's a whole lotta pinot."
Man off-camera: "It's four bottles."

Drunkest Moment: Kathie Lee holds up her wine glass to Denise Richards a mere two days after her ex tore through the Plaza, saying, "I didn't even take a sip, because I thought you might need some." Denise replies, "It's a little early..."

The ladies showboating on the fourth hour of the Today show should get extra points for drinking well before noon on what they call "Winesdays." This week, after Hoda noted that their wine glasses were big enough to hold entire bottles, Kathie Lee promised they're cutting back. Thankfully, a few segments later, while cooking with the "Skinny Bitch," the hosts splashed Champagne in their drinks. And all was right in the world.

THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATLANTA

Episode 4: "Petty Boughetto"
Total Drinks: Six
Biggest Lush: The never tardy to the party Kim Zolciak
Signature Drinks: Red and white wine
Best Bon Mot:

NeNe to Kim: "I thought you was gonna bring some wine."
Kim: "You're on too much medicine."
NeNe: "I'm ready to drink. The bitch is back."

Drunkest Moment
:
Glasses of white wine were as plentiful as the dramatic hats at Phaedra's baby shower, but no one got sloppy drunk. These are proper ladies, OK?

Kim's the most, how shall we say, dynamic housewife, and perhaps we've found the reason. "I'm a lot like my dad," she said, while tipping back glasses of red and white with her parents. "We both like wine." Later, when she forgets to wear a hat to the shower, it's not a problem. "I'll just keep drinking." Newcomer housewife Cynthia fits right in drinking white wine, while Phaedra, seemingly 14 months pregnant, abstained. And poor NeNe had to stay off the hooch because of her plastic surgery. Her nurse said no alcoholic beverages for at least 24 hours. Surely she'll make up for it next week.

THE MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER

Episode 2: Featuring Dina, Albie, and Chris Manzo of The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Total Drinks: 10 ½, including those swilled by the nameless women giggling their way through the group "date"
Biggest Lush: Albie Manzo has Champagne, white wine, and a vodka drink
Signature Drinks: Mimosas, white wine, vodka
Best Bon Mot:
A prospective date tries to coerce Patti the matchmaker with a gift: "It's Champagne truffles…I heard they're your favorite."
Drunkest Moment: During an early afternoon meet ‘n' greet with the RHONJ sons Albie and Chris Manzo, most girls ask for wine. "Spitfire" Violeta prefers tequila. It's 11am.

Patti Stanger, a.k.a. the "Millionaire Matchmaker," would feel right at home at a convent. Her clients aren't allowed to have sex on the first date, and on this Very Important Crosspromotional Episode featuring Bravo's favorite Jersey family, Patti imposes a two-drink maximum. "Nobody gets drunk today," she says, mere hours after downing mimosas and snacking on bagels and lox with her mohawked assistant Destin.

THE A-LIST: NEW YORK

Episode 4: "A Hot Messy Pride"
Total Drinks: 11
Biggest Lush: 22-year-old Austin
Signature Drinks: Anything low-calorie
Best Bon Mot: N/A (The wit well is running low on this show)
Drunkest Moment: TJ and Austin screech it out at a party, but the best intoxicated moment—a fistfight between Austin and his fiancé Jake—happens off-screen…at Times Square. Oh, the horror!

Logo is deep into the househusbands genre with its newest show The Shitfaced List, although the gay protagonists (including semi-famous Reichen Lehmkuhl) were too busy talking about feelings and relationships this week to really wet their whistles. Wannabe Adonis Austin is the clear winner, drinking beer and sharing a bottle of white wine with his boo Jake, and staggering around Derek's self-proclaimed "sexy gay pride party" with some Stoli at the Soho House Library. And Derek goes on a date to a tequila bar and has a margarita. This sugary indulgence might explain why his date Roberto is never seen again.

BOARDWALK EMPIRE

Episode 6: "Family Limitation"
Total Drinks: 11
Biggest Lush: Prohibition flaunter Nucky (Steve Buscemi) and Jersey City Mayor Frank Hague
Signature Drinks: Something stiff and dark
Best Bon Mot: Nucky complains about a singing, half-naked prostitute: "Lotta noise from a little box."
Mayor: "Which one we talking about?"
Drunkest Moment: Charles Sheridan: "Let's have a drink. Let bygones be bygones." Two minutes later, he's shot in the face.

Atlantic City's powered by booze and as it turns out Chicago is, too. For a drama set during the Prohibition, the whiskey and wine sure fly fast and loose on the boardwalk. As on Mad Men, drinking plays a starring role. It's both conciliatory (as when Jimmy offers Al Capone a drink as peace offering) and debauched (see: two prostitutes straddling Mayor Hague and pouring alcohol into his mouth). Most importantly, it's a tool for power. As Nucky says, "Everything you see here, it's mine. Buy a drink, place a bet, ride the fucking Ferris Wheel. If you steal from my men, you steal from me."

COUGAR TOWN

Episode 6: "You Don't Know How It Feels" featuring special guest Ken Jenkins as Chick, Jules' Drunken & Emotionally Distant Dad
Total Drinks: 20, plus an unopened case of beer
Biggest Lush: Laurie (Busy Philipps), who spends half the episode as a designated driver, yet still manages to tip back the most
Signature Drinks: Unlimited supply of red wine and beer
Best Bon Mot: After Jules (Courteney Cox) says, "You know the best part about being a grown-up…" Grayson (Josh Hopkins) responds, while waving a bottle of red wine: "This?"
Drunkest Moment: Chick wants to leave the house but he "needs me a desi." Laurie obliges.

Cougar Town's been accused of being more sloshed out than Mad Men and this Halloween episode saw Courteney Cox & co. hitting the bottle hard. Jules, Grayson, and Laurie open the episode drinking huge goblets of red wine when it was clearly daylight outside. They use booze as bribes—Ellie rewards Bobby with a case of beer for getting her kid into a good school. They day drink. They drink at a holiday party. And finally, they close the night lifting glasses of white. The only one who escapes unscathed is Travis…because he's 18.

TWO AND A HALF MEN

Episode 6: "Twanging Your Magic Clanger"
Total Drinks: 5
Biggest Lush: You really have to ask?
Signature Drinks: Anything he's not allergic to
Best Bon Mot: None. (Too irresponsible to reward bad behavior.)
Drunkest Moment: He couldn't have been sober when looking up the porn site run by his date's 20-year-old daughter.

Charlie drinks beer on the couch. Charlie tries to date a 47-year-old woman. Charlie feels she is too old for him (certainly she's no Capri Anderson) so he pours himself some Woodford Reserve bourbon. (Neat, naturally.) Charlie drinks more red wine and more beer. Charlie Sheen made $1.8 million for filming this episode.