NSFW

The 'Golden Girls' Gone Wild: Bea Arthur and Co. Get the XXX Treatment

Your favorite gals get the porn homage they so rightfully deserve.

“Condoms, Rose, condoms! Condoms, condoms, condoms.”

Long before the high fashion sexcapades of Sex in the City’s four leading ladies, Sophia, Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose were making old-fashioned sexy. The Golden Girls didn’t have an enviable shoe collection or designer friends, but they did have plenty of conversations about getting it on. Each woman on the popular ‘80s sitcom alluded to her array of sexual experiences without kowtowing to the popular definition of “sexy.” The Girls served as a wake-up call for some, revealing that age doesn’t mean death to libido.

Three decades later, the Golden Girls are more relevant than ever, and their 30th anniversary has garnered a number of tributes. This fact was not lost on porn producers, who seized the opportunity to make another relevant parody. Instead of putting ridiculous grey wigs on 29-year olds, Hustler’s This Ain’t The Golden Girls XXX surprisingly casts older women. Not that the world looks to porn for progressive messages—though this is the work of First Amendment crusader Larry Flynt—but this particular casting decision says it’s okay to be up there in years and still go down on your partner, as the parody’s impressive theme song indicates in its hilariously dirty lyrics.

Older women can still be attractive (and sexually active). With comedic timing and sassy dialogue, the Golden Girls brought up awkward conversations about sex long before it was socially acceptable. And it was all in the delivery.

Cast as the oldest gal in the group, 53-year-old Karen Summer plays up the XXX-rated version of Sophia, the brazen no-holds-barred eighty-something famous for her blunt wit. After a 20-year-haitus, the comeback-minded adult actress was thrilled to be in a story-driven film, and surprised by how much this parody echoed her earlier days. “It was like the old days of porn. We had scripts, and wardrobe, a full crew and a couple of days shooting,” says Summer. “Sophia was the most fun. I’m goofy by nature and I really liked her one-line zingers.”

“Karen Summer is awesome as Sophia. She nailed it, really hit it out of the ball park,” says co-star Nina Hartley, who plays Rose. As a longtime fan of the show, Hartley enjoyed casting Rose in a more sexual light while trying to channel the innocence of her character. “Without making Rose syrupy or stupid, I tried to be as funny and happy as the character on the show,” says Hartley. Though she admits the original Rose may not find this as funny as the rest of us do. “I know Betty White hates the idea of the adult angle on the Golden Girls.”

For all of the sexual innuendos and implied cavorting, The Golden Girls never showed much in the way of actual sex. The closest the girls ever came to baring all may have been the time they spent Valentine’s Day at the nude resort. Dorothy, Rose, and Blanche showed up for dinner completely nude, though their bodies remained artfully guarded from sight by various set pieces.

Left wondering if she was a last-minute replacement, Darla Crane was tapped to play the XXX version of Dorothy two days before the shoot. “I'm not exactly known for having a Bea Arthur-esque voice. I’m also 15 to 20 years younger than Bea was when the show was in its heyday,” says Crane. “That ugly little gray wig was definitely the most distracting thing during my sex scene. I made an effort to keep my voice in a lower register and tried to maintain a general ‘Dorothy’ demeanor but it was still a sex scene—so there’s only so much acting I could do.”

While the popular notion is that “old is unsexy,” it’s unfair to the aging women who are still just as frisky at 60 as they were at 30. Being a card-carrying member of the AARP doesn’t mean sex has to be any less enjoyable. According to a new study published in the Annals of Family Medicine, women in their 60s and 70s experience almost as much sexual satisfaction as those half their age—which may explain why the fastest-growing demographic in online dating is ages 60 and older.

Now is the perfect time for this parody. Older women are in right now—and getting it in, too.