When I was growing up, having a treehouse meant you were the coolest kid in the neighborhood. It was the ultimate chill-out zone, no adults allowed, and where you tried French kissing for the first time (or maybe that’s just me. His name was Andrew and I met him while watching Napoleon Dynamite. It was awesome).

So when I was asking around for recommendations for a trip to Bali I took last month with my boyfriend, I was super intrigued when a friend suggested I stay in a remote treehouse. This wasn’t some backyard treehouse your dad built for you next to his weird mid-life crisis shed. This would be the real deal: a quaint hut floating on the treetops, made entirely of bamboo, plopped in the middle of a rice field. No real address, just down a foot path until you find it. Romantic! Magical! Or so I expected.

Turns out, I’m old. And I’m not even that old. (I’m 27.) Roughing it is easy when you’re 12, made entirely of rubber. "The bugs will be fine,” you think. "I’m crunchy. I can get down and dirty. I use natural deodorant made from crystals.” If you’re thinking of staying in a treehouse in the middle of fairyland to live out your Swiss Family Robinson fantasies, I totally get it. But I’m here to give you the sweaty truth of trading your A/C and actual walls for mosquito nets and lizard roommates. As you know, fantasy doesn’t always align with reality…

Expectation: Climbing into a treehouse will make me feel like a kid again.

Reality: Nothing makes you more aware of how old and crotchety you are than trying to climb a bamboo ladder.

Courtesy Chelsea Frank

Expectation: I’m going to leave this concrete jungle, and spend some time communing with nature.

Reality: Nature is like a car alarm you can’t turn off.

Expectation: I’ll have a deeper appreciation for the earth and world around me.

Reality: There’s a millipede in the corner that’s terrorizing us.

Expectation: Having an outdoor shower is going to be so hot! It’ll be like that Sex and the City scene where Samantha sees that steamy Dante guy showering outside and has to eat copious amounts of guacamole so she won’t cheat on her guy. (I’m Dante in this scenario).

Courtesy Chelsea Frank

Reality: I turned the water on and 400 mosquitoes shot into my mouth. Can you get malaria if you eat them?

Expectation: We’ll try some interesting cuisine at the little cafe up the road.

Reality: I’m so sick my outdoor shower is now a bidet.

Expectation: So many majestic nature selfies!

Reality: I look like I should be holding a clipboard and trying to save the whales outside of a grocery store.

Expectation: The bugs won’t be so bad. I have a mosquito net.

Reality: The bugs are so aggressive I think I just saw a beetle with a pocket knife.

Courtesy Chelsea Frank

Expectation: Swiss Family Robinson has nothing on us!

Reality: Two more days of this and it’ll be like Lord of the Flies.

Expectation: My boyfriend and I will have some nice, romantic time to really connect.

Reality: We can’t stop arguing over who gets the one phone charger.

Expectation: It would be so dope to see a wild monkey!

Reality: If I wanted to make awkward eye contact with a creature while it’s masturbating, I’d just go to prison.

Expectation: If we need something to do, we can always take a walk and mingle with the locals!

Reality: Nobody wants to talk to us.

Expectation: We’re gonna have some crazy Discovery Channel sex.

Reality: Don’t touch me. I’m hot and you’ll wipe off my bug spray.

Expectation: I’m going to sleep so deeply without all those distractions!

Reality: I’m so bored, I started a fight with my boyfriend just so I’d have something to do.

Expectation: Yeah, it might be roughing it a bit, but it’s going to be beautiful.

Reality: Yeah, I might have contracted Zika and not gotten a wink of sleep, but this is insanely beautiful.

Expectation: Maybe I’ll stop bitching and just be grateful for my surroundings. When the hell am I ever gonna get to sleep in the middle of a Balinese rice field again?

Reality: Take a picture of me appreciating this moment.

I know, I know. I sound like one of those people who plays bridge and owns like, three timeshares. Next I’ll be eating Luna Bars and shopping at Ann Taylor Loft. Look, it certainly wasn’t all bad. I mean, yes, I got 10,000 spider bites and couldn’t sleep for fear of being eaten by a rat, but it was one of the most beautiful landscapes I’ve ever seen. And it was cool to be amongst so much exotic nature. So if given the opportunity, would I stay again? Absolutely not. I already got my picture.