“At times like this, we look to our leaders for guidance,” Saturday Night Live’s Anderson Cooper said on the first episode since the school shooting in Parkland, Florida. “Instead, we'll hear from Donald Trump.”
After taking three straight weeks off for the Winter Olympics, SNL roared back onto the air this week with a cold open that found Alec Baldwin’s Trump addressing America’s gun violence epidemic in yet another meeting with lawmakers. And it came just one day after the real Donald Trump railed against Baldwin’s “dying mediocre career” yet again on Twitter.
“Believe me, no one loves the Second Amendment and due process more than me,” Baldwin’s president said. “But maybe we just take everyone’s guns away. OK? Nobody is allowed to have a gun. Not even whites.”
“The youth of America deserve to feel safe and secure in their schools, because folks, I can only run into so many schools and save everybody,” Trump said later, echoing yet another real thing he actually said this week. “If I could, I’d run into all of them, even without a weapon. I’d burst through the doors and I’d be running so fast, the guy with the gun wouldn’t even know what hit him.”
That line of thinking led Baldwin’s Trump to remark that he is practically running the White House all by himself these days, especially after the sudden departure of Hope Hicks. “She’s like a daughter to me, so smart, so hot,” he said. “She resigned. You know, I hate seeing her go, but I love watching her walk away.”
“I mean, Jared Kushner’s basically the hottest chick left in the place,” he added. “And he’s probably going to jail soon, so he’s out.”
The one member of his cabinet he does think needs to go is his Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “I call him Mr. Magoo, everyone loves it. People around here in the White House say stop, I’m laughing so hard, I can’t take it anymore, I resign.”
With that, Kate McKinnon’s Sessions appeared to ensure the president he’s not going anywhere. “I’m like skunk stink on a bird dog, sir, I linger,” Sessions said. “And I just had dinner with all your ‘friends’ at the Department of Justice and wow—your name popped up more than a weasel in a pumpkin patch.”