“I know why you’re happy this week: we have an impeachment inquiry,” exclaimed Bill Maher at the top of this week’s Real Time monologue. “Wait a second, liberals: this is an ‘inquiry.’ We may not get a puppy, we’re just here to look. And look: I’ve been hurt too many times. The Republicans are definitely the party of rednecks, but Democrats are the party of blue balls.”
The HBO host dedicated the majority of his opening bit this week to the ongoing Trump-Ukraine whistleblower scandal, wherein the president was called out by a member of the CIA for trying to conduct a quid pro quo with the president of Ukraine in exchange for investigating the son of his political rival: Joe Biden’s son, Hunter Biden.
“Look, there is a real chance we will know once and for all if Trump did the things he openly admits to doing,” joked Maher. “Well, he did admit it this week. You know, we saw a transcript of the call that’s at the center of this big controversy with the Ukrainian president where he asked a favor of the Ukrainian president, and this raises some serious questions, like: Is there a foreign country that he hasn’t asked to interfere in our elections?”
“This one could be different. People around the president are scared, because they look like they’re complicit,” Maher continued. “I mean, in the whistleblower’s complaint, it says that maybe twelve or more White House staffers listened in on the call, and then some of them helped hide the transcripts of the call in a more private server. Remember that term? Trump’s got treason on his computer like most men have porn.”
The comic then proceeded to upbraid the most powerful man in the world over his middling (and highly unconvincing) explanations and excuses for the call/transcript in question.
“Every day he says over and over that the phone call was a ‘perfect’ call,” says Maher. “My question is: If it was such a perfect call, why are you behaving like a bed-wetter trying to hurry up and wash the sheets? These people, they are so comically inept at covering up the crimes they are committing. The White House—this is true—wrote two pages of talking points about this, as innocent people do, and sent it out to the Republicans in Congress, but also accidentally sent it to the Democrats. This is the political equivalent of sending a dick pic to your mom.”
“And of course, who do they pick as the centerpiece of this? Rudy Giuliani,” added Maher, “who is not a federal employee—he’s an Uber driver, he’s an independent contractor. He’s at the center of all this, pushing the Biden conspiracy, meeting with the Ukrainians, which explains Rudy’s new nickname: America’s Traitor.”