BREAKING From Trump’s ‘Doctors’: Most Remarkable Physical Specimen of All Time!
At 7 feet tall, 200 lbs. and 0% body fat, Donald John Trump is the healthiest president—indeed, head of state of any kind—ever. Oh, and he has huge hands.
A Memo On The President’s Health
By Drs. David Dennison, John Barron, and John Miller
This letter is to certify Donald Trump’s continued robust good health, genius-plus level intellect, and physical perfection. As America’s healthiest President (and many people are saying) the healthiest human being in the world, Mr. Trump is a golden Adonis, a specimen of masculinity so perfect that in the annals of medical science we have been unable to find anyone who can rival him.
At 7 feet tall, Mr. Trump is our tallest President, and at just 200 lbs, with body fat of 0%, he is undoubtedly the fittest President, or indeed sovereign or head or state of any kind, in world history. While Mr. Trump is 70 years old, we assess his physical condition to be that of a 25-year-old elite athlete. His dedication to triathlons, daily weight training, and heavy cardio leaves his cadre of former Navy SEAL physical trainers shaking and exhausted, awed by his sheer endurance and power. As one told us during the preparation of this report, “Mr. Trump could easily complete BUDS/S tomorrow, then do the SFAS course simultaneously with the USAF Pararescue program, and then pass SERE with flying colors.”
Mr. Trump has definitely, positively never, ever, ever had gonorrhea, herpes, syphilis, chlamydia, the French, Spanish, or English pox, crabs, genital lice, crotch-crickets, Bulgarian junk-rot, the Weeping Cobra, the Gift that Keeps On Giving, Studio 54 Stall Surprise, or Bangkok Fire-Dick. Mr. Trump’s noted fidelity to his wives should put to rest all of these scurrilous rumors. In fact, our laboratory research shows that contact with Mr. Trump’s magnificent body kills all forms of STDs, and also cures scrofula, vertigo, blindness, sleep apnea, and the Jimmy Leg.
Mr. Trump’s daily routine is a model of health, not only for a President but for any American. Each day, Mr. Trump makes America great for eight hours, performs 10 hours of cardio, including strenuous golf-cart riding, hand cardio (Tweeting), and reporter haranguing. He then makes vigorous love to Mrs. Trump for five hours, sleeps one hour and repeats the process.
Mr. Trump’s mental acuity transcends even the most aggressive projections for the far future of Singularity-level Artificial Intelligences. His ability to consume volumes of complex intelligence materials in minutes leaves his staff in constant awe. Mr. Trump often demands his briefers present the original intel source material to him untranslated, since his ability to speak 124 languages is unrivaled.
When testing Mr. Trump’s mental fitness, we discovered he had not only memorized the Code of Federal Regulations but could extemporaneously recite it in the form of a medieval French chanson de geste.
Mr. Trump’s astounding power to understand and rectify complex, multivariate regulatory problems would be a bright display of his status as the most intelligent President ever. Even knowing he was one of the most brilliant men in recorded history, his work on advanced string theory, quantum chromodynamics, and fusion containment is beyond our understanding as mere medical men. Far from deserving just the Nobel Peace Prize, it is our humble opinion that Mr. Trump deserves Nobel Prizes in Literature, Economics, Chemistry, Physics, Medicine, and Making America Great Again.
His eyesight is so keen he can spot the panty line on an adult film actress from a half-mile. Mr. Trump’s night vision is so acute he can read the text of a non-disclosure agreement printed in 4-point type in near-total darkness. The National Reconnaissance Office has asked the President to allow them to make a model of his eyes to develop the next generation of surveillance satellite optics.
Mr. Trump’s hearing is so acute that he can discern the faintest dog whistles and can detect any aspersions, insults, or questions regarding his character from miles away. In moments where Mr. Trump is seemingly unable to hear questions, his son-in-law Jared is happy to whisper in his ear, especially regarding his White House rivals.
Mr. Trump’s genes display qualities heretofore unknown to science. They are, to use a term of scientific art, bigly superior. Careful analysis reveals that Mr. Trump’s genetic sequences contain not only DNA and RNA, but also TNA, or Trump Nucleic Acids. TNA binds to gold leaf, golf greens, trophy wives, and self-regard. Although it is out of the purview of this report, we believe the only solution to the plague of Antifa Super-Soldiers threatening America is a clone army based on Mr. Trump’s gloriously perfect and unique genetic makeup.
His hands are so very large that other President’s hands are like those of tiny, tiny dolls by comparison. Believe us. We measured them with extraordinary scientific rigor. Our super-doctory scientific tests reveal that Mr. Trump’s hands are also very, very strong. The President can crush a titanium ingot like a marshmallow. He can palm bowling balls, and throw them over a mile without breaking a sweat. He has often carried weights heavier than any other President, ever.
Mr. Trump’s hair is thick, fast-growing, and retains its natural golden hue from his youth. His skin is that of a teenage farmgirl; smooth, taut, perfectly free of any wrinkles, moles, blemishes, wens, cystic formations, or signs of a lifetime of fast-food addiction, rough living, whoring, or long nights spent in the humid darkness of a low-rent Atlantic City casino.
Even for a man of Mr. Trump’s astounding health, constitution, physical perfection, and genetic gifts, life is not without challenges.
Mr. Trump’s body emits a thick musk of pure testosterone, causing men near him to become aggressive, and women to strip off their clothes and beg him to grab them by their reproductive organs. This powerful scent is a constant challenge to the Secret Service, as battalions of scantily-clad women wearing little but MAGA hats and thong panties throw themselves at the President, forming human pyramids to scale security fences and showing up in attorney Michael Cohen’s office demanding $130,000 payments.
Mr. Trump’s manhood is, as you will be unsurprised to learn, is the largest of any President, and in fact, larger than any mammalian penis outside that of the majestic blue whale. His genitals require a system of complex straps, buckles, pulleys, trusses, and velcro attachment points to contain them within his custom-fitted trousers.
As his very real physicians (who many people say are the best medical experts from the best schools ever, and totally not the pen names of an insecure man consumed by his petty vanities and insecurities) we certify the preceding to be really, really true.
Dr. David Dennison
Dr. John Barron
Dr. John Miller