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      HOMEPAGE
      U.S. Newsvertical orientation badge

      BYU to Undergrads: Self-Love Is A Battlefield

      Jerks

      The Mormon university is urging its students to narc on chronic masturbators, whose fight against self-pleasure is like rescuing a fallen soldier during war.

      Scott Bixby

      Scott Bixby

      Updated Apr. 14, 2017 4:49PM EDT / Published Feb. 03, 2014 6:30PM EST 

      “The temptations of the Great War are many. The battles are real, and the strategies are clever. The enemy is cruel, ruthless, and relentless. We must not underestimate the danger. We must be vigilant… and valiant.”

      In other words, don’t masturbate.

      Advertisement

      Confused? So are undergraduates at Brigham Young University’s satellite campus in Idaho. A motivational video released by the school’s Housing and Student Living office urges students to report friends, roommates, or themselves if they suspect that they are masturbating too much. Hoping to combat the “social stigma against those who speak up in the face of evil,” the video urges BYU students to not leave the wounded on the masturbatory battlefield.

      The video’s protagonist, a “lonely, confused young man” whose roommates ignore his onanistic impulses until he becomes addicted to pornography and quits attending church, is shown injured on a World War I-style battlefield. His friends, after hesitating for fear of being a “tattle-tale,” rescue him in the midst of heavy crossfire and celebrate his return with a round of (non-pocket) pool. The reformed porn addict shares a knowing look with his roommate, who is always there to lend a helping hand.

      We need a tissue.

      Scott Bixby

      Scott Bixby

      @ScottBix

      Got a tip? Send it to The Daily Beast here.

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