Democratic Debate: The Surrealist Scorecard

Non sequiturs and word salad aren’t a partisan issue. The Democratic debate deserves its own slate of grades that don’t add up.

Martin O’Malley

Style: B+

Looks exactly like a real candidate. But the verisimilitude granted by life-like facial modeling and an extensive vocabulary is marred by a software glitch where the model repeatedly croaks his campaign URL and begs for money. We suspect this is a virus and urge the developers to scan for malware delivered from hdr22@clintonemail.com.

Substance: C-

Started strong, with Donald Trump being an “anti-immigrant carnival barker,” and a woman’s son given the dignity of being “more than boots on the ground.” Faltered when he felt the need to remind news organizations that they should fact-check him. Ended with “weak tea” and a plea that “no dollar is too small,” which I think means he’s going after that kid who sent Huckabee his allowance. Gave himself a thumbs up at the end. Thinks he really nailed it.

Overall: The part of the movie just before you realize Old Yeller is going to die.

Bernie Sanders

Style: C

We could defeat Islamist terrorism single-handedly if we could weaponize his scowl. No wonder he’s over-sensitive on the gun issue, his forehead requires a three-day waiting period. Seems to think he can win based on ideas and decibel level. Hand gestures being studied for contributing to global climate change.

Substance: B-

Prep for the re-oriented first part of the debate appeared to consist of doing a search and replace of “rigged economy” to “ISIS.” Patented “sick berns” were directly primarily at O’Malley, who isn’t even on his lawn. Running against Wall Street, income inequality, systematic racism and—just fucking read his platform, he has no time for this.

Overall: The noise made by a plastic bag stuck on a tree, tattered but fluttering defiantly in the high wind.

Hillary Clinton

Style: A

Dressed for a funeral, prepped for a cage match. An icy smile and gritted teeth turned clipped and polished answers into impenetrable crystal balls. The occasional forced laugh just reminded people how willingly she will push the button should the need arise.

Substance: C+

Pressed to say “we are at war with radical Islam,” she chose not to explain the executive-level ban on the phrase that’s held since the Bush administration but instead seemed to treat it like a game show challenge. To be fair, “husband’s administration” might actually be harder for her to say than “radical Islam.” Asked about the FBI investigation into her emails, answered with, basically, “Trump.” Asked about Wall Street donations, brought up 9/11. For these answers we, game, recognize game.

Overall: The very expensive silver picture frame you got as a wedding present that you will never find the right photo for.