Idiot Alchemist Donald Trump Says Sun and Bleach Will Save You
Never forget that the man spouting a stream of absurd bullshit is the president of the United F*cking States.
Abandoning the little things like science, medicine, chemistry, and pharmacology, Alchemist in Chief Donald Trump used his daily rant session to leap so far off the deep end that viewers would not have been shocked to see him in a wizard’s robe covered in mystic symbols.
“So supposing we hit the body with a tremendous—whether it’s ultraviolet or just a very powerful light,” Trump said. “And then I said supposing you brought the light inside the body, which you can do either through the skin or some other way and I think you said you’re going to test that too.”
But Mr. President, have you considered the role of the bilious humours in COVID-19? Perhaps the falling damps? What about comets? Would you recommend leeches or bloodletting after the mythical light therapy, or should we have a cunning woman from the village mix up some sort of poultice? Is mandrake root contraindicated in the treatment of coronavirus?
It got better, and by better I mean even more insane.
“I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute, one minute. And is there a way we can do something like that by injection inside or almost a cleaning? As you see it gets in the lungs, it does a tremendous number on the lungs, so it would be interesting to check that.”
Interesting. Injecting disinfectant. What could possibly go wrong?
Just as Trump’s huckster sales job of hydroxychloroquine led to his fans drinking a similarly labeled fish-tank cleaner with fatal results, somewhere in Trump’s America tonight, someone is thinking about an off-label use of a household disinfectant because they believe Donald Trismegistus is smarter than those heretic scientists. To them, Trump has given over the secrets of the philosophic mercury in the form of bleach or Lysol.
His tireless, shameless defenders will race to their Twitter feeds and the pages of the Trump-suck blogs like The Federalist to tirelessly, shamelessly defend him, and cite unseen some emerging study Trump pointed to to insist that sunlight and cleaning products will degrade this invisible enemy.
“Of course, he didn’t really mean to drink bleach. Take him seriously but not literally.”
Of course, this requires a suspension of disbelief about the nature and character of Trump and his audience. His sweeping powers over their thought processes, beliefs, and values are demonstrated time and again. He could declare the cure for COVID-19 was human sacrifice and Trump outlets like American Greatness would opine that true conservatism can draw lessons from the inspiring documentary Midsommar.
From Hell, Charles Manson is looking up and thinking, “Man, he gets it.” Donald Trump, like many cult leaders, understands the power his words will have over the minds and actions of his followers… but few cult leaders have a pet media infrastructure.
When he started praising hydroxychloroquine, of course his media lackeys defended it, praising Dr. T’s Miracle Elixir as a nearly magical remedy for the virus. Now that it’s been demonstrated in multiple studies to pose meaningful dangers to those who take it in combination with azithromycin, and to have little effect on the symptoms and no power to cure this new virus, you’ll note that the loud screeching on Fox News and the Trump media has become a swift and deafening silence. I for one am super-excited to read "A Defense of Trumpian Alchemy" on the pages of The Claremont Review.
Thursday was, even by Trump’s ridiculous standards, a rant for the ages. His now-tiresome pattern of saying and doing absurd things during these daily campaign events dressed up as briefings and making absurd promises he never intends to keep is one of the most corrosive elements of his handling of the coronavirus crisis. His lies and bad counsel have cost many thousands of lives and will cost thousands more before this is over.
Like all alchemists, Trump seeks to convert dross into gold, to toss a broth of his incompetence, denial, delay, deception, and failure into some supernatural alembic and extract political advantage.
Trump is a masterful con man, he's always trying to squeeze a little more juice out of his marks. When promises that the coronavirus will soon disappear failed, he switched to promising miracles from hydroxychloroquine. When his claptrap cures don’t emerge, then blame is always an option.
Be it China, the World Health Organization, the Bavarian Illuminati, or lizard shapeshifters, it’s never Trump’s responsibility. It’s never Trump’s fault. There will always be a miracle, just around the corner, and there will always be a villain to blame as the death count keeps mounting.
Because conspiracy theories have now met, mated, and had a baby, the merger of Trump cultist nationalist populism and anti-vax batshittery means that even if we develop a vaccine to prevent the further spread of this disease, a meaningful fraction of Americans will refuse to accept it, and won’t get their kids vaccinated.
The noted virologists Diamond and Silk, epidemiologist Bill Mitchell, and other members of the Trump support complex taking up the conspiracy theories involving the nefarious Bill Gates, tracking chips, and 5G towers sterilizing Red America may be edge cases, but the message always spreads.
A loud, dumb, and willfully pro-virus Army of Karens took to the streets last week, summoned by propaganda paid for by Trump donors. If you think these people will take a vaccine to stop the ravages of COVID-19, I have a condo in Trump Tower Pyongyang to sell you.
Red State governors won’t know what to do; Georgia Gov. Brian Kemp has been whipsawed by Trump for three days now after insanely reopening at Trump’s beckoning, only for Trump to reverse himself when Kemp was bashed for that decision.
A few Republicans are driven by science, leadership, and responsibility—Maryland’s Larry Hogan, Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker, and Ohio’s Mike DeWine—but Kemp and others like Florida’s Ron DeSantis are wondering if the Wizard will wake up on the wrong side of the bed and blast them into oblivion.
Never forget that the man spouting a stream of absurd bullshit like a medieval alchemist with mercury poisoning is the President of the United Fucking States.
The man who stood there today ranting about disinfectants and ultraviolet light cures also has control of America’s entire nuclear arsenal. Sleep tight!