‘Fat Ass’ Chris Christie Fights ‘Communist’ on Sports Radio

Two years ago, he dreamed of moving into the White House. On Monday, he fended off sports callers and dead air for five-and-a-half lonely hours. Sad!

Photo Illustration by Sarah Rogers/The Daily Beast

You are what your record says you are, Bill Parcells said.

Just ask Chris Christie—he of the 15% post-Beachgate approval rating—who just two years ago was dreaming of the Oval Office. Monday, he was auditioning on-air for a job talking sports on WFAN. As outgoing Sports Pope Mike Francesa might say, “He’s not a winnah.”

I figured, though, that he’d at least be a good hate-listen of vileness and charisma. That was terribly wrong. The sad clown isn’t funny, just sad. This afternoon has been like some lost cut from Sam Beckett (the third baseman for the Rangers in 1975, I think?) with two guys making sounds to ward off the meaninglessness of life and the certainty of death, or at least dead air.

When Christie was caught taking in the sun on the beach that he’d closed to the public, he was wearing a Mets shirt, Mets shorts and a 2006 NLDS Mets hat, he told the sports-talk listening public.

Roberts questioned the integrity of wearing a shirt from a series the Mets lost.

“I’m a Mets fan. I love pain, I love disappointment,” Christie reflected. “You can’t just remember the good times if you’re a Mets fan.”

Anyways, the screeners did their best to limit the politics to John-in-Manhattan types declaring that “before I get to my point governor, I live in New York but I’m a yuge Chris Christie fan. The only thing wrong with you is that you’re a Cowboys fan.”

Twice in the first hour, though, the screeners got beat, and things got fun. First was “John in Montclair,” who “was originally going to talk about the Yankees,” he said, then told Christie “you’re doing a horrible job.”

“THAT’S GOOD,” the two-term governor interrupted. “Well you lost twice, John. That shows how much you matter. That’s oh-for-two.”

Then he disconnected John, while pretending to continue his conversation with him — a reminder that talk-radio was Twitter before Twitter.

A few minutes later, “Mike from Montclair,” a FAN regular, told Christie to “put your fat ass in a car” and off of the beach he’d closed to the public.

“I love getting calls from from Montclair."

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“You’re a bully, governor, and I don’t like bullies.”

“I’m not the guy who came on the air, swore on the air,” Christie fired back after Mike was cut off, literally yelling into the void.

“Get the heck out of here.You’re swearing on the air, Mike, and you’re a bum. You know what, Mike, what matters is what you do. That’s what matters.”

Later, Roberts reflected on whether “fat ass” was indeed a swear word (almost, but not quite), and Christie went on about how Montclair never liked him, and is swarming with communists.

And the pair went on, and on and on, about where Kirk Cousins should spend the rest of his career, and if the spending by Mets owner Fred Wilpon (a Christie donor, by the way) sufficiently reflected the desire to win. It does, Christie thinks.

“This is what radio is degraded to. If I'm a legend, this is what radio is degraded to,” Christie said just before the 5 p.m. ad break.

He’s got a point there.